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I want to commit suicide...but I also don’t?

#1
I think about committing a lot. I've written letters to my family a couple of years ago just in case it happens one day. I suffer from bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Some days I feel completely fine. Then other days, like this one, I fantasize and search for painless ways to do it. I am close with my family and sometimes they are the only reason I'm still here, especially my little brother. I tell my mom about my feelings and sometimes she won't even reply. It hurts because we are so close. I see a psychiatrist but I'm scared, to be honest with her about my thoughts. I'm scared one day my mind will finally make a decision. One day I won't care how my family feels. One day that I will show my mom I was serious. I stay in my room a lot so I know could take something and die before they find me and try to stop it. Honestly while typing this it feels a little good to say my thoughts that I've been holding in since I was 12 (I'm 23). I know most of my mental troubles started to arise around the time my stepfather came into my life. When he and my mom got into arguments he was very verbally abusive. He called me a 'hoe' once (I'm still a virgin btw). Somedays our family is good and some days we aren't. I have told my mom about how I feel about him. She listens but doesn't do anything to solve the issue. She talks with him then acts like everything is fine afterward. I truly started holding in my feelings because when I tried to express myself as a child he would tell me to "stop wearing my feeling on my shelves" and that is what I did. Now, look where holding everything it has got me. I recently told him how his words affected my life. He did not take it seriously. My mom fussed at him for maybe 30 mins then went back to watching a movie with him even though she encourages me to tell him how I feel. Crazy, right? I just need to know I'm not alone. That at least one person can relate to how I feel. However, I still feel about even making this post because I feel like I'm complaining. I know there are people out there that truly deserve to be helped. I feel like I'm taking up the resources that they need. I feel like I'm being selfish......honestly I just don't know what to feel at this point.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#2
I relate, kinda afraid to share my perspective on it. It doesn't sound selfish and I recommend not sharing your feelings w the stepf anymore. Sorry I don't have much to say. Your feelings matter and I don't think you are complaining, this is valid.
 

JDot

1 Peter 5:7
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Hey. I understand what you mean about your family being the reason you're still here. My family is also the reason I'm still here. It sounds like your stepfather is a dark force in your life. I'm sorry you deal with that. There are people who deserve to be helped and you're one of those people. Please don't think you don't deserve to be helped. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. Were here for you, and were glad to have you here.
 
#4
I relate, kinda afraid to share my perspective on it. It doesn't sound selfish and I recommend not sharing your feelings w the stepf anymore. Sorry I don't have much to say. Your feelings matter and I don't think you are complaining, this is valid.
Thank you so much even replying. I was so nervous to write this out. I’m definitely taking the advice of not sharing my feelings with him. I’m currently looking for a therapist. I ish you the best also!
 
#5
Hey. I understand what you mean about your family being the reason you're still here. My family is also the reason I'm still here. It sounds like your stepfather is a dark force in your life. I'm sorry you deal with that. There are people who deserve to be helped and you're one of those people. Please don't think you don't deserve to be helped. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. Were here for you, and were glad to have you here.
Thank you for validating my feelings. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that. I’m replying with tears down my face lol. I’m happy your still here also. You deserve the best!
 

Rasmus

Well-Known Member
#6
I can relate, a couple of days ago I almost did it.
It's ok to complain, and yes, you deserve all the help of the world. It would be a shame if your life is lost.
You said you are scared of talking with your psychiatrist, why? If you don't mind me asking.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#7
Thank you so much even replying. I was so nervous to write this out. I’m definitely taking the advice of not sharing my feelings with him. I’m currently looking for a therapist. I ish you the best also!
Thank you kindly. I am also nervous every time I write..so you made it easier for me with your courage. (Look for a compassionate one who truly validates this very story..update us if so feel like it..good luck in he meantime)
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#8
I can relate, a couple of days ago I almost did it.
It's ok to complain, and yes, you deserve all the help of the world. It would be a shame if your life is lost.
You said you are scared of talking with your psychiatrist, why? If you don't mind me asking.
I also agree it's okay to complain even though I didn't take it that way. Gotta fight for respect sometimes and vent when it's not there
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#9
I can relate, a couple of days ago I almost did it.
It's ok to complain, and yes, you deserve all the help of the world. It would be a shame if your life is lost.
You said you are scared of talking with your psychiatrist, why? If you don't mind me asking.
I'm glad you didn't. Look at these words you wrote, flip them back at you if you can. Because it would also be a shame.
 
#10
I can relate, a couple of days ago I almost did it.
It's ok to complain, and yes, you deserve all the help of the world. It would be a shame if your life is lost.
You said you are scared of talking with your psychiatrist, why? If you don't mind me asking.
I don't mind at all :) I'm afraid of her committing me. So it makes me very hesitant to say how I feel.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#11
I go back and forth myself. It's hard. I get to a place where I write it down too, like the letters you wrote to your family. Only I write them to myself. I have a special, secret place on my computer for certain things, and they go there. The feelings get so big, I don't know what to do. Then one day I'll feel more at peace with being here.

But I don't stay for my family. I don't really have one anymore. I have a husband who cares for me a great deal, but I also love another man who broke my heart. So I only stay because I can't seem to figure out how to go.

I'm glad you've found a venue to talk about it. It helps. My best to you. Take care.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#13
I go back and forth myself. It's hard. I get to a place where I write it down too, like the letters you wrote to your family. Only I write them to myself. I have a special, secret place on my computer for certain things, and they go there. The feelings get so big, I don't know what to do. Then one day I'll feel more at peace with being here.

But I don't stay for my family. I don't really have one anymore. I have a husband who cares for me a great deal, but I also love another man who broke my heart. So I only stay because I can't seem to figure out how to go.

I'm glad you've found a venue to talk about it. It helps. My best to you. Take care.
Relate to some of this. :/ Feel for ya
 

Atari

Well-Known Member
#14
I also find myself faced with this dilemma, sometimes.

17 years ago, I was in a situation that nearly caused me to take my own life.

Back then, I was in my Senior year of High School and on one particular day, someone said something that made me angry and as a result it made me react in a violent manner towards that person, which in effect, got me suspended from School for a couple of days.

The day I got home from school after having been suspended, I sought to take my own life, but when I made the attempt, I stopped myself before I could.
 

Catch_22

Well-Known Member
#15
I also find myself faced with this dilemma, sometimes.

17 years ago, I was in a situation that nearly caused me to take my own life.

Back then, I was in my Senior year of High School and on one particular day, someone said something that made me angry and as a result it made me react in a violent manner towards that person, which in effect, got me suspended from School for a couple of days.

The day I got home from school after having been suspended, I sought to take my own life, but when I made the attempt, I stopped myself before I could.
Thank you for sharing.
 

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