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I want to die, again.

#1
Hi guys.
i hope you feel better than me.
i don't know where to start.

I have so much to say. Even today i wanted to end my life. Nothing is right, nothing has ever been in fact. the only time everything was okay was when i was still away from this shitty teenage world, where i was innocent, and i spent afternoons playing with my toys. Since then, nothing has gone well. My conditions is getting worse, and i tell everyone around me it's getting better, when all i want is to leave this fucking world, start a better life again if reincarnation exists, or get people rid of me. This depressed girl, this sad girl, who simply does not breathe the joy of living.

Two days ago, my mom was taken on board; i have lost friends, today was the 18th birthday of the person who hurt me the most in my life, i need those friends i lost.
In fact no, i did not lose them, they literally abandoned me.

yes, it was those who said "we do not play with your heart" or even "I would always be there for you", but if now they knew that it is they who play with my heart, that it is them who are gone. If they knew about such a bad patch that I am living in this place that I can not show in this post, at the risk of annoying you with my dark clouds above my head.

In 2 days I will resume school, boarding school. I'm going to have to put on a fake smile again, and have to cry over my bloody scars in the dark, alone, in my room, with my sad music in my ears. As I'm used to actually ...
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#2
Hi guys.
i hope you feel better than me.
i don't know where to start.

I have so much to say. Even today i wanted to end my life. Nothing is right, nothing has ever been in fact. the only time everything was okay was when i was still away from this shitty teenage world, where i was innocent, and i spent afternoons playing with my toys. Since then, nothing has gone well. My conditions is getting worse, and i tell everyone around me it's getting better, when all i want is to leave this fucking world, start a better life again if reincarnation exists, or get people rid of me. This depressed girl, this sad girl, who simply does not breathe the joy of living.

Two days ago, my mom was taken on board; i have lost friends, today was the 18th birthday of the person who hurt me the most in my life, i need those friends i lost.
In fact no, i did not lose them, they literally abandoned me.

yes, it was those who said "we do not play with your heart" or even "I would always be there for you", but if now they knew that it is they who play with my heart, that it is them who are gone. If they knew about such a bad patch that I am living in this place that I can not show in this post, at the risk of annoying you with my dark clouds above my head.

In 2 days I will resume school, boarding school. I'm going to have to put on a fake smile again, and have to cry over my bloody scars in the dark, alone, in my room, with my sad music in my ears. As I'm used to actually ...
Sorry that you are not feeling well. Have you met a psychiatrist and be therapist? Please do.
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#3
I could be wrong, but from reading your post, you seem like you're relatively young still. I was suicidal when I was about 18-19...had my method all prepped and planned out and everything. That was right before I came to this forum for the first time. Not going to say that SF is what "saved" me because that would be a lie, but I am, however, glad that I decided to stick around. And I say that despite the fact that I've experienced so much more pain and agony from age 19 to now (31). You know why? Because at the very least, it convinced me that I was fucking resilient, much more so than I had initially ever thought. I didn't realize how much I truly wanted to live, and how much crap I was able to tolerate, until I kept deciding to live, despite it having been easy to make the opposite choice so many a time.

I realized that there is so much out there that I haven't had the chance to experience yet, and still wanted to experience. And even if that meant having to go through pain and anguish in the process, I knew I would still make it through and come out the other end...because I already had, multiple times, which means I could do it again, and again, and again. I wasn't scared to die initially; I was scared to live, to feel pain. But the pain always stops eventually. It never lasts forever. It is literally impossible for it to.

Life is such that pain will always come and go. But the only reason we know pain to be unpleasant is because we experience pleasure, happiness, and contentment also; we know what it feels like. And pain is just our brain's way of telling us, "Hey, this situation is undesirable. Fix it, if possible." Life is worth living. The only people who would argue against that are people who haven't yet had the chance to experience why it's worth living.
 
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#4
Two days ago, my mom was taken on board
I don't understand this part
In 2 days I will resume school, boarding school
Unless there's something keeping you there, going to a different school might be much better
My conditions is getting worse,
You might want to look at the link in my signature
I'm going to have to put on a fake smile again, and have to cry over my bloody scars in the dark, alone, in my room, with my sad music in my ears. As I'm used to actually ...
I know it's impossible, but I wish I could take away all the pain

Hugs Burtoniska
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
i have one... but i dont have many consultations
You are clearly severely depressed and I think it's vital you get more support than you're getting right now. If you haven't already, I think you should tell your psychiatrist how bad things have become instead of trying to cope with this by yourself. Have you looked into what counselling or therapy might be available to you? Is there are counsellor or guidance teacher at your school?
 

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