I've been keeping it all in for a while and haven't told anyone. I get these thoughs about wanting to just do myself from time to time. I keep reading this saying, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". In my case, I think its a permanent solution to a permanent problem. I have brain damage, and life is just awkward for me. I do ok in school, but I'm socially lobotomized. People think I'm cold and robotic, when really I think I'm an ok person. I give an awkward vibe to everyone. I mean, I'm socially smart enough to pick up on the fact that Imake people feel awkward, but I'm damaged enough to not be able to avoid it. Its a living hell. Plus, I have to admit, my memmory is a lot worst than it used to be. Its from an accident. I'm medically brain damaged. We lie to ourselves that we live in a compassionate, caring society. In reality, I think its all superficial. If you're a malfunctioning component in the larger machinery that comprises society, then you're a jam in the system. I don't fit. All the prozac in the world couldn't make me feel better, because it won't fix my problem. The depression isn't from a chemical balance. Its circumstantial. My friend offed himself about a month ago, because I guess he was struggling with clinical depression. He was sort of an awkward misfit himself. While I said that it was a horrible tragedy and all that, it seems like the cure for my ills too. Death seems like true liberation, and life seems like a curse. My whole life seems like some sort of practical joke. I was built up with a bright, optimistic child hood, only to have it all smashed into tiny pieces. I think God is laughing at me hysterically right now. He's like a giant kid with a magnifying glass, and I'm one of the ants he happened to focus in on. I sound whiney, I know. However, brain damage is just horrible. Its the torn fabric that composes my shattered reality. I want to die. I feel like I should have died at the accident. Its like I'm already half dead anyway.