I want to die, and I think I have reason to want that

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nate Sharp, Dec 11, 2008.

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  1. Nate Sharp

    Nate Sharp New Member

    I've been keeping it all in for a while and haven't told anyone. I get these thoughs about wanting to just do myself from time to time. I keep reading this saying, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". In my case, I think its a permanent solution to a permanent problem. I have brain damage, and life is just awkward for me. I do ok in school, but I'm socially lobotomized. People think I'm cold and robotic, when really I think I'm an ok person. I give an awkward vibe to everyone. I mean, I'm socially smart enough to pick up on the fact that Imake people feel awkward, but I'm damaged enough to not be able to avoid it. Its a living hell. Plus, I have to admit, my memmory is a lot worst than it used to be. Its from an accident. I'm medically brain damaged. We lie to ourselves that we live in a compassionate, caring society. In reality, I think its all superficial. If you're a malfunctioning component in the larger machinery that comprises society, then you're a jam in the system. I don't fit. All the prozac in the world couldn't make me feel better, because it won't fix my problem. The depression isn't from a chemical balance. Its circumstantial. My friend offed himself about a month ago, because I guess he was struggling with clinical depression. He was sort of an awkward misfit himself. While I said that it was a horrible tragedy and all that, it seems like the cure for my ills too. Death seems like true liberation, and life seems like a curse. My whole life seems like some sort of practical joke. I was built up with a bright, optimistic child hood, only to have it all smashed into tiny pieces. I think God is laughing at me hysterically right now. He's like a giant kid with a magnifying glass, and I'm one of the ants he happened to focus in on. I sound whiney, I know. However, brain damage is just horrible. Its the torn fabric that composes my shattered reality. I want to die. I feel like I should have died at the accident. Its like I'm already half dead anyway.
     
  2. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    Hi Nate, Welcome to SF, Im sorry about how you are feeling right now, i know im only words on a white background to you, but.. i do care.. i hope you can find the support you need, whilst, making friends here.. Im always around if you need a friend. I dont know what else to say right now but i can offer you a hug... :hug:

    xxx
     
  3. Nate Sharp

    Nate Sharp New Member

    Thanks Lexi
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Nate,
    My brother tried hanging himself when he was young and has some dead brain cells from lack of blood to his brain. Other than him being an alcoholic he functions O.K. in public. He has a bit of a temper but doesn't harm anyone including himself. He works and makes $19.00 an hour working for the school board.
    So you see it is possible to live fairly normal even with some damage. You have been strong since you left the forum, can you tell us what has triggered these spells? Good luck and stay strong!!~Joseph~
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Nate.

    Sounds like it's difficult for you sometimes - I'm sorry to hear that.

    I think it's a positive sign that you observe that you may be awkward with people. If you know about it, you can work on it. Do you see a p-doc/mental health worker who could help you with this? An occupational rehab person might help, too.

    Our own quirks and difficulties can seem bigger and worse to us than they do to others - especially if we are depressed. You seem to be a nice person who would be a good friend. You sound sensitive and caring. Maybe you could find other people who are sensitive and caring to spend time with - I think they'd likely to be kinder and accepting of others. Volunteering with non-profit and charity groups is a good place to meet such people.

    You'll also find lots of caring and supportive people here on SF. All the best! :hug:
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Nate Sharp,

    Welcome to SF :welcome:

    I'm glad you found us :)

    You certainly aren't alone, you will find many people here that can relate to how you are feeling. You mentioned prozac...maybe you should try a different type of anti depressant? They all work differently and you'll almost always find one that helps. You should see your doctor about it. Have you tried counseling? Please don't give up hope hun, life can get better.

    I'm here if you ever need to talk :hug:
     
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There are so many wonderful opportunities to learn social pragmatics...this is something that can be done as a part of rehabiliation...often times, a TBI brings issues in short term memory, social pragmatics and conversational managment...any of your entitilements should have a provision for cognitive retraining, which those aforementioned areas are a part of...best of luck, J
     
  8. freefalling

    freefalling Active Member

    Hi Nate,
    You are going through a pretty tough time and I truly do feel for you but,honestly,do you believe suicide is the answer.When you survived your accident your family felt like all their prayers were answered and the relief that they would of felt words could not give justice too.I myself survived a motorbike accident that my family did not think I would and they have told me what a relief it was when I got off the ventilator and started showing signs of recovery.I was lucky for I had no long lasting injuries and I am living what most would presume to b a normal life.
    Like most ppl here I have wanted to kill myself at one time or another but EVERY TIME it was because I wanted to die for me and not because of how people saw me.Don't let other people's ignorance on your medical condition be some form of justification for you to end your life.We all meet very stupid people everyday with narrow minded views on religion,sexuality and in your case a medical condition.These ppl aren't worth thinking about and the best thing you can do is continue on living for the day and enjoy the fact that you survived your horrific accident and jus simply take each day as it comes.I hope you don't do anything rash for your family nearly lost you once and I'm sure they don't want to go through it all again.take care.
     
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