I want to die but I don't want to die.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by clairedelune, Jul 12, 2014.

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  1. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Why is life always so hard for me? I can feel like nobody is there who can always listen to me? Nobody understands me at all. You can say that there is really something wrong with me because I easily get mad at people for the wrong reasons. And then I do and say mean things. I was just trying to help myself because they did me wrong too. But, in the end, I'm the one who's guilty and then I'm left all alone with no one to turn to. No one.

    So, I want to kill myself and at the same time, I don't want to. I don't want my family to get embarrassed for having a suicidal child. I don't want people to think that I am suffering. I'm ashamed of it. I will feel weaker than I already am. I just want to disappear, in the meantime. To find out, if there is still anyone left who cares for me. Everyone hates me. Everyone doesn't even care if I leave. What am I going to do now?
  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I read you above. Reading a text someone wrote is different than hearing them in person. I will try to answer a little bit.

    1. Life is hard, period. No one is getting off this planet alive in the end, and no one has an easy life, even if blessed with having fun times. I hope you can have some fun times, before you go.

    2. No one can understand you because they don't live inside your head. Only you live there. That seems the way it is; we have to live inside our own heads, alone. in a very big and scary universe. We have talking or writing to communicate with other people. Talking is very imperfect since we can "send" only certain information about our thought and feelings by using words or body language. It's the best we're going to have, though.

    3. I don't think anything is wrong with you. If you are mad at someone, it's probably for a reason. I can't give advice about how to repair a relationship if it's been damaged. I do know that it doesn't matter who is "guilty". The main thing is both parties must want the relation to continue, else it will stop, at least for time being. But ended relationships are normal in life--they don't mean you did anything wrong.

    4. There are some people who don't hate you. For instance, here. I can't attend to you to the point of keeping current on what you are doing, but I care some.

    5. I hope you can tell someone that you are suffering. Although it's hard to decide who to trust with this confidence, it's not wrong to reveal suffering, to a friend.

    Suicide involves more than embarrassment. It means the final end for the one doing it, and a permanent and probably crushing loss for the one who was related or a friend. Even when the relationship in life wasn't very good, the loss is still pretty bad.

    Best wishes to you. You always deserve the best in life.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Claire, I understand that life is tough but please stop over-thinking about suicide. We all go tough times but there is a purpose in living.

    I honestly can say that nobody hates you. I do not hate you. You reached out for someone to listen and we are here for you. You are not alone in your anguish. You need to speak to someone or just continue to post here. Alot of people care about YOU. We might be strangers but we do care and not like you being on your own. You are not suffering on your own.

    Please go for a walk and get away from your current environment. A change of scene will help you. Please do not suffer alone.

    I hope these words help you and take care.
  4. Riseagainst

    Riseagainst New Member

    Hi Clairedelune, great name! What a beautiful piece of music!

    I'm so sorry to hear how you're suffering, I've been where you are. But even if it's only on this forum, there is ALWAYS someone here for you.

    I know what you mean about wanting to die but thinking about the effects on your family, whenever I think about suicide, I think about my brother finding my body and it stops any of those feelings in their tracks. I love my brother dearly, and I could never hurt him at all, never mind THAT much!

    So what that means is, you now have to accept that actually, you're strong. If you can put aside your suffering in thought of the suffering of other people around you that you care about, then you are shouldering quite a burden! It takes strength to realise that other people DO acknowledge you, even if it's not immediately noticeable for you. It takes strength to carry on when you feel so alone so that other people won't have to face the consequence of your actions. After all, it's not like you'd feel guilty after-ward, you'd be dead! No worries! But you're by-passing that escape to save them. Which is strong.

    So actually, well done you. You're clearly a thoughtful and caring person. And definitely, not a weak one!
  5. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    We all here on here care about you Claire

  6. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's true. And we all understand what you're going through.

    That's how my suicidiality has always expressed itself too. Wanting to die but not wanting to die. Wanting to not exist without having to kill myself basically.
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