I want to die but I don't want to take my own life...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Starkissed, May 1, 2009.

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  1. Starkissed

    Starkissed Member

    I'm in so much emotional pain right now it's not funny. No one really asks if I'm ok and when they do ask, they don't really push for details. It's really hard for me to open up about this, even on a website to a bunch of strangers.

    I'm in this situation where I work but I don't have any money and I'm sure that a lot of people are in the same situation. This will seem petty but I work nights, I usually get home around 9:15 pm and I don't get to eat dinner at work. So, when I come home I'm starving and I've asked my family to put aside a plate but they never do. Today my dad came home and brought lunch for everyone but me. When I asked why my mom simply said "I didn't know you were home." I'm always home during the day. I don't have more than 3 friends I really get to talk to and they have lives during the day. Where else would I be? She knows this. My sister is pushing me out of her life. She confides in her best friend and I have to beg to get things out of her.

    I'm a telemarketer at work and it's hard for me to get sales. I'm the youngest person in my department by about 7 or 8 years. So my other coworkers bond and do things and don't invite me. I'm kind of in my own little corner struggling to do my job. This might all seem petty to some but to me it's very painful and it's killing me.

    I'm trying to back to school but I owe the school like $850. I filed for financial aid and I got it but now I have to pay the school back (because I did go in 2006 but I dropped out). I don't make much money and the money I do make has to go to the payments on my car. My cell phone has been shut off and since I'm trying to earn so much money, there is no possibility of turning my cell phone back on.

    I want to die so badly. I really do. I've been suffering with depression since I was 12. I've been suffering from suicidal tendencies since I was 16. I'm 21 now....I'm not much better. I can't get help because of the fact that I don't have health insurance yet. I have a Livejournal that I post all of my "angsty", suicidal thoughts on but I can guarantee that nobody reads it. Mostly because almost nobody knows it exists.

    I think I'm going to end my petty complaints here. This thread may be removed because now that a portion of what I'm going through is visible, it seems lame that I'm even posting it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2009
  2. Ben121

    Ben121 Active Member

    Its not lame to post how you feel. You do it cos you need to let out whats in your head.

    I think your family could be a little moor thoughtful and make sure they put you a little dinner out for when you get back since you have been working. But you know families do stuff like that all the time. It doesn't mean they love you any less. ppl just get side track with there own problems.

    I don't know your set up but it seems like going back to school might be a good idea. Might be moor of a possibility of making moor friends back there.

    I would say a telemarketer is a job where your getting constant rejection from ppl all the time. That can't do a lot for your confidence.

    Maybe I would think about having a sit down with your mum or dad at some point when the time is appropriate and try and explain that by having you a little something to eat when you get in would mean the world to you. They may not think it bothers you. ppl around me would look at me has someone that can look after him self and not take things to hart. When sometimes the little things do mean the world.

    When your young its normal to struggle for money. It don't make anything easier. Just makes what is already a hard time in your life even moor troublesome. You wont be there forever. Sometimes you just gotta take a day at a time. Sometimes you just have to take an hour or even minute to minute at a time.

    Try and not take life to seriously.
     
  3. Numpty

    Numpty Member

    This is your life.

    Are you happy with it? Upset with it? You seem to have a pretty crappy dead end job, no cell phone, and parents who hate you. You say you know you are being petty; then stop being petty.

    I understand that you feel upset. But what do you want from life? You want things handed to you on a golden platter? Sorry, it doesnt work like that. I am not trying to be antagonistic, but try. Really try to think, "What is it that I want?". Your parents dont make you lunch? Make it yourself, you sound old enough. You can obviously drive, work, and post things on the internet, making a god damned sandwich ain't hard.

    Try watching Fightclub, the movie. Or read the book version as there is much more philosophy contained within. That will teach you to look at yourself in a reflective basis and try and construct what it is you want from life, and yourself.

    I hope I helped.
     
  4. Starkissed

    Starkissed Member

    It doesn't do anything to my confidence. They're not angry at me, they're angry at the fact that I'm calling them. The only reason why I actually care about whether or not I get sales, is because I do get some commission and that would help me out a lot.

    School actually is my number one goal. I'm just struggling trying to get there. I would meet a lot of new people and I think that's what I need.

    I have talked to my mom and dad about it more than once and they never save me anything. It's not even about that, it's about being thought of and it seems like I'm not.


    Numpty, my parents do not hate me. I never said that. No, I'm not expecting my life to be handed to me on a golden platter and I'm sorry that you think of me that way. But thanks, I'm now going to go back inside myself and not share anymore. I just wanted to say that.
     
  5. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Gosh Ashlee, this is so not lame. In fact, I'd be shocked if you did not feel hurt. I don't understandryour parents, mine were like that, too, they were cold, ignored me, treated me like a boarder instead of a daughter. They often didn't care if there was no food for me and I was struggling just to get food. My bother and I never talked, ironically, we're super close now and my parents feel guilty about "pieces" of what they did, they haven't been honest with themselves, though, about how fucked up they've been.

    Honestly, I wish your complaints were petty, but they aren't. With that said, you definitely have so much to offer, even just through your friendship with little old me. Please don't shut all of us out, because I know that I'll miss out.

    I was lucky because my best friend was dealing with the same so we comforted each other.
     
  6. Starkissed

    Starkissed Member

    Thanks Belladonna. I'm typing this in spite of myself. I don't want to talk about it but I'm afraid that I will severely hurt myself if I don't. Right now, I want to hurt myself in the worst possible way.

    I don't like to talk about things I'm going through to anyone except for my mom, because she's the same way and she dealt with this a lot when she was my age. Tonight she told me she didn't want to hear it anymore; she's sick of it.

    I try to reach out to those around me but they don't hear it. They don't ask if I'm okay and if they do they walk away when I say I'm not. Literally. They walk away.

    If I were to kill myself, they would wonder what brought me to do such a thing. I hurt so much on the inside it's nearly unbearable and I think of a different way to seriously hurt myself every day.

    That's all I can bring myself to say right now...
     
  7. Ben121

    Ben121 Active Member

    Hi there again, I know what you mean about the pain that's there. Am suffering with that and being in some pain in a physical way has well just now.

    I think ppl walk away cos they don't know what to say. And it can scar some ppl when you confess feelings of wanting to end it. I think a lot of the time ppl think if they don't say anything then at lest they did not make it worse. Of course you and me know that you don't have to say anything you just have to stick around and listen to your friend to make it better. But I Guss you have to had been in the place your in right now to understand that one. Not every one has.

    Have you seen your doctor about the way your feeling?
    I know its an embarrassing thing to have to talk about to someone in person. Ive hide my feelings from ppl so am not really one to say you should tell your doctor but I do think to be honest with ppl like that is a good idea. HE/She may be able to help.
     
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