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I want to die now: TRIGGER WARNING

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BipolarOne, Jun 7, 2014.

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  1. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    I cannot think about anything else today, and I can't get myself up to do anything useful. I just lay here thinking about <Mod Edit: *Music* Method >all at one and ending my life. I went to a partial hospital program yesterday, but could not share anything. I just could not express my pain. No one cared.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2014
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi - and I do understand your feelings and your thoughts. I understand what it's like to be unable to express them and then the awful realisation that no one could really care. I've been there and know what it's like. But I want to encourage you that recovery from this state of being is possible - if it wasn't I would not be here to be writing this. We do care on SF, and there are invitations here to find caring, please PM me if you'd like and I'll offer the assistance of a listening ear and insights I've learned over the years - the ones based on life principles that are relevant to all of us as human beings on our journey. To try and communicate these in a small box without having got to know you better is a big ask - but it can be done in small boxes with better knowledge, I hope you will accept this invitation :) Blessings and strength, urP
  3. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    I was feeling exactly like this myself on Wednesday, to the extent that I had to contact my local mental health hospital to ask if I could see someone from the Crisis Team. I was told I needed to be referred to them by my GP, so I then had to ring the GP surgery and they told me to come in later that morning. I didn't' feel as if I could even get into the shower to get ready but I forced myself and saw the GP. She was shocked at how bad I felt and made the referral to the Crisis Team and I had to go in that day and speak to a member of the Crisis Team, who took details of my life history from me. I was given a prescription for sedative tablets (Lorazepam) (only 7) to take away the terrible feelings anxiety that I was having. The next day a psychiatric nurse from the Crisis Team visited me at home and as a result of taking one of the sedative tablets in the morning I felt a bit better as it stopped the anxious feelings. She told me I was on too low a dose of anti-depressants, so I was told to double the dose. Today I still feel worried about the future but I do not feel suicidal and feel that there is hope. I have found that anti-depressant medication - Venlafaxine plus the Lorazepam helped me a lot as sometimes it isn't possible to get rid of feelings of despair and anxiety through willpower alone. Are you taking any medication?
  4. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    Hi Nessa,

    Thank you for your kind note and for sharing your feelings. I am glad that the boost in your anti-depressant seems to be working.

    I do take medication: Wellbutrin, Risperdal for Bipolar Depression; Lorazepam as a PRN for anxiety; and dextroamphetamine for energy when really depressed.

    My depression was pretty deep this weekend. From Friday afternoon, through Sat. & Sun., and most of today, all I did was sleep. It's been a long time since I was that down.

    Friday, I spent my first day at a partial hospital program, and it didn't go too well. Tomorrow is day 2 at the program - a day of back to back group therapy sessions. I am hoping for a much better experience.

    Immediately after partial, I am going to a TMS Center for a consultation. (Trans-cranial Magnetic Stimulation) Today the sent me a patient packet to fill out: 13 pages! I am far too depressed to do that much work.

    Thank you for being here for me. It really helps to know that others understand. Viv.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    bipolar 1, it really sucks when people just dn't get it.

    when you reach out to a mental health team or what ever, and they just won't listen

    it's so invalidating.

    hope it will pass and you're able to feel better. i too, have my inbox open if you want to talk
  6. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    Hi Viv

    Risperdal/Risperidone is an anti-psychotic - these drugs are pretty awful in my opinion - I was put on them myself in the past and did not feel they were good for me at all. They also made me extremely tired - far more tired than I get with an anti-depressant.

    Are you on all these medications on the advice of your Dr or Psychiatrist?

    Are you in the UK?

    It's good that you are attending the hospital program - keep an open mind about it as just interacting with other people is good for you, however it goes, as the brain needs social interaction and it takes the mind off yourself as well

    Medication and distraction is the main way I cope with my bad feelings

    I try and have a plan for each day and even if I can't stick to it I try and do something I enjoy

    I usually put the radio on in the morning when I wake up so I am focused outwards, away from my own thoughts

    Try and fill the patient packet a bit at a time then have a rest in between

    Feel free to pm me if you want to talk
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