I want to die. Someone care enough about me to say something!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Psych77, Aug 30, 2013.

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  1. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    My ex-wife hates me. Everything I do for the kids is wrong. Most Thursday nights I prepare a dinner ahead of time for Friday for the family. Last night I was really tired, so I bought some instant food at the grocery store, apologized to ex but said I was really tired. Then I went to my bedroom, watched a half-hour of TV (I swear, no more than that) and went to sleep.

    This morning there was a note waiting for me before I went to work, "Too tired to make a decent meal for your family, but not too tired to watch 2 hours of TV?" Also, my kids told me on the phone that the baby had a dirty diaper, but I was on the way to pick up my son from a lesson, and thought I would finish that and then go home to change the baby. By that time, ex was home, and the note this morning also told me how bad that decision was.

    We do not talk, and only live in the same house so I can be with the kids and because we can't afford to live separately. She thinks I'm a terrible parent, was a terrible husband, and thinks I passively aggressively make "mistakes" in order to punish her.

    If I explain what my real intentions are, she always has an argument as to why that can't be true. Now, I can't help but wonder, every day, am I really that terrible and mean a person? Incompetent and thoughtless? Hateful and evil? It seems that whatever I do is the wrong choice, and she always has valid arguments to back up why what I did was terrible.

    I feel so much shame, guilt, confusion, I hate myself, and I wish I could die! I can't, because I know if I ended my life, that would just hurt my kids more, and they love me for some reason. There is no way to get out of the trap of causing harm no matter what I do! I often find myself wishing that I had miscarried before my mother even knew she was pregnant - then I wouldn't have caused anybody any pain.

    I feel guilty just for using up air every day that I'm alive, and maybe the only thing that keeps me alive is that I would cause more harm if I were to end my life.

    Is there anything good about the fact that I exist? Is anybody out there?
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm listening, and I care. :hug:

    I don't think you're a terrible person. There's nothing wrong with buying instant food once in a while, especially when you're really tired. And you're only human, one person... you couldn't be at home to change the diaper AND picking up your son at the same time. My guess is that if you'd done it the other way around, she'd have found reason to complain about that too.

    It really sounds like your ex is just saying whatever she can to hurt you, make you feel bad about yourself. That doesn't mean you're the person she says you are; there doesn't have to be an ounce of truth to the things she's saying. Your kids love you, and there's a reason for that!

    Here if you need anything or feel like talking, you can drop me a PM anytime.
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I'd suggest that your ex-wife is the manipulatively selfish and conceited one. If things aren't done "her way" its wrong. Tunnel vision against the fact that people are different and do different things.

    Communication is flawed - from both perspectives - perhaps a bit of 2-piece counselling? Even though you are ex's, it's not out of the question. She doesn't want to listen to reason, and makes excuses to "be innocent" where she's far from it.

    Do you have any relatives that could look after the kids so you could have a conversation (with a reputable 3rd person as witness, someone impartial is most advised). It would be worth trying - because the no talking approach isn't good for the kids. And she's the one leaving notes for you... so that's her issue to deal with.

    Her opinions are just that - they may not be truthful because she's bending it to suit herself. You are more valuable than that - and the kids know it for them to love you still. That "diaper changing" incident sounds like it would have been wrong either way - because you'd have been "wrong" for not picking up the son from lesson, but that's again, her issue.

    You are not an incompetent and thoughtless person. If you could move to a place on your own, there'd be the risk of her not letting you see the kids :/ So I'd be tempted to start with figuring out what you'd need to do regarding that. It's a toxic environment for you, for her, and for the kids too, for you both to still be living together.

    Don't let her - control your life. It's not hers to live.
  4. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Oh, my God, Wild Cherry, thank you so very much. Reading what you wrote, I just wanted to cry - but I'm at work right now. I wish that e-hug could be real...I need it so badly! But just to know that someone else is listening makes such a difference! And having someone say something to support me. I don't feel quite so alone now. And I think I can make it through the day. But I think I am going to be spending a lot of time here. I have had SI on and off since I was 7 years old (I got bullied a lot), but I never had a safe place to talk about it. Someplace where people would listen, and not tell me I shouldn't think that way, and not give me simple solutions that don't work for me. Thank you again.
  5. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the input, Fighting.

    In all fairness, I have been the cause of a lot of the problems between us. I used to scream at ex while we were fighting, get so close up in her face that she would feel threatened, and sometimes get so angry and frustrated I would slam my head against a wall (if I didn't do that, I was afraid I would hurt her). She discussed it with her therapist, and they concluded that my behavior was abusive, and I went to a 40 week batterer's intervention group.

    Less than halfway into it, ex told me that she didn't want to try at our marriage anymore (this is about a year ago), and that she wouldn't be going to marriage counseling anymore - she said that continuing to work on our marriage was torture for her. She was the one who said that she did not want to talk anymore, except to coordinate our joint parenting and household affairs. So, I don't think she would go in for the counseling. However, the kind of mediation you suggest might be helpful. I will have to think about how that could work - and what subjects I could bring up.

    I have been working on setting boundaries. A few weeks ago, ex called me at work. She was angry, stating that I had not rinsed out a poopy diaper well enough, and accusing me of passive-aggressively doing it to punish her for "whatever you are angry at me about." She frequently tells me what my thoughts/feelings/motives are. I wrote her an e-mail that morning, telling her that I feel violated by having her intrude on such a personal part of me, and that the next time she contacted me to tell me what she thought I was thinking or feeling, I would end the conversation immediately. She replied telling me why she thought her conclusions were the only possible reality, but I have stuck with that - it has only happened once, but I hung up immediately. When she respects my boundaries, I listen.

    Because I love my kids, I have to be there for them. I know our relationship (or sunken ship, better describes it) is not good for them, but there is no evidence that divorce makes anything better for kids - and plenty of evidence that it makes things worse. I know it is a toxic environment, but I do not let it poison my interactions with my kids, and I know ex does not, either.

    Right now, I just need to learn how to protect myself from the poison in the toxic atmosphere. I have to take care of myself, for them.

    Thanks for being there. So much!
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2013
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's awful when you've got someone telling you every move you make is wrong... makes you feel completely alone and isolated.

    You can talk about SI here... it's okay, it's safe here. :hug: Sometimes there really aren't any simple solutions, and what a person needs most is just to talk things out, to know someone's listening and taking them seriously.

    Hoping you find the strength to make it through the day!!
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Rinsing out a poopy diaper? :confused: I'm in the uk - we generally dispose of them lol.

    But if you can work together a plan so you're both comfortable with (therefore possibly some compromises for both of you) - there's something to minimise the toxicity that's developed. Ask her if she would be up for having an argument free discussion. For the sake of the pair of you, as well as the kids.

    On top of that - I applaud your honesty. Not that many people would put out something that you have here about your part in why the marriage fell apart.
  8. akaangela

    akaangela Member

    I know what being in a relationship that is toxic is all about. Trust me if you fight in front of the kids then everyone is better off you are not in the same house. Oh it might not appear better now but the kids learn by your behavior more than your words. My ex learned from his father it was ok to humiliate and abuse a wife. In front of everyone else he was a perfect husband, when we got home..... then it came out.
    It would be hard being by yourself but you are worth much more than your ex is giving you. Good for you for setting boundaries. That is important. You sound like a responsible and caring person. You are trying and that is what counts. We are all human and all have our limits. As for you getting instant dinner for the family. That is a bunch of BS. If she was so concerned about a home cooked meal she could have done it. I have found often people that accuse others of passive aggressive behavior are the ones doing it. Try self affirming statements. I have been told they help. Also list what you do in a day. Write it down. Then you can actually SEE how much good you do. Picking up your son it a good thing. Last time i checked we can't be in two places at once so you couldn't have zapped yourself to change the baby so don't let that bother you (I know easier said than done). You are among friend that really understand here. We support each other. You are special. You are a valuable person. Don't ever forget it. :hug:
  9. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we like you here.
  10. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Fighting - Remember back in the day when there were cloth diapers? We still use them. Old fashioned, I guess.

    As for my honesty - 1). If I just told what she was doing, I would probably get advice that didn't fit what was going on, 2). I don't want to make ex out to be a complete b***h, because she is not - we are both suffering here, and 3). I somehow think that if I denied my own responsibility for what is going on, it would come back to bite me in the @$$. Every time I complain to ex about what she does, she always brings up what I have done in comparison, and then I feel like I have no room to complain. And I feel that much more ashamed of myself. So, I kind of protect myself by being honest about my own faults at the start. Of course, in a fight, I get defensive, and then denial and all kinds of nasty stuff comes out. But I don't fight so much anymore.

    Angela - thanks for the advice. Anymore, we very seldom fight. We mostly don't talk, but if ex makes a snide comment or gives a nasty look, I either don't respond or try to get busy doing something that needs to be done - clean the kitchen or tend to the kids, whatever. It used to be bad, but mostly it's just a cold war. The kids know that Mom and Dad don't get along well now, and that this is not the way a marriage is supposed to be. We have made it clear to them (both of us) that both Mom and Dad love them, and that none of this has anything to do with them. No, the jabs are pretty covert. It's just that I have no friends (I have Asperger's, so it is really difficult for me to interact with other people), so the only adult in my life is ex, and she is, to say the least, not very affirming. I am trying to be more open and willing to interact with the people at work, and hopefully the practice with social skills will help me to eventually make some real friends. It's an uphill battle - I live in New England, and people are not very open, especially when the kind of relationship I need is one where we can really talk. People around here are very private, so if I start any friendships, I will need to be patient before we can really share our hearts. Affirmations and listing what I do - I think those are great ideas, so I will get started today.

    Angela and Jxdama - the welcomes are soooooooo gratefully accepted! I wish those internet hugs could give me some real physical contact :hug:! It feels to me like all of us need to get into a big huddle and squeeze :grouphug:!

    Thanks, everybody! I will definitely be here frequently.
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Cloth diapers? Ohhh, that made me cringe, Lol!!

    I'm glad you and your ex don't fight in front of the kids. One thing that stands out to me and says a lot about who you are is that you were willing to take steps to get help, you actually went to that intervention group. That's a huge step and something to be proud of. You have nothing to be ashamed of... you took steps to fix your mistakes and to do better.
  12. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Oh, my gosh, Cherry, you are so nice! I don't expect to hear that kind of positive comment from anyone - usually when my therapist says it, I kind of automatically write it off: "Yeah, but she doesn't know ex's side of the story; She's paid to be affirming; She heard my story and so she's naturally taking sides with me."

    Somehow, it's easier for me to accept when it comes from you. Maybe because we're in the s**t together!

    I don't understand why you are so kind to be there for me, but THANK YOU! :hugtackles: :Cry:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2013
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Yeah, I can understand what you mean about hearing nice things from your therapist. I would hope they're sincere, but your mind would always wander to the place where you assume she's saying those things because you're paying her by the hour... stuff like that. And it might not be true, but at least for me, that's where my mind would automatically go.

    We all make mistakes... we've all got faults. Lol I know I've been made aware of several of mine. :smile: I just hope you'll try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some credit... you took a step that had to be one of the hardest to take. I was involved with a guy who did similar things to what you described, only he took it a step further and physically shoved me into a corner. But he refused to seek help and claimed there was nothing wrong. When he wouldn't accept help is when I walked away from the relationship. So I have a HUGE amount of respect for you, for your willingness to go to that intervention. Your ex has no grounds to throw your faults n your face, because you were willing to put forth the effort to change.

    Always here if you feel like talking. :hug:
  14. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    Black, thanks for your words. Yeah, when I'm at my worst, my kids are what keep me alive. Sometimes, if I'm really suicidal, I even feel some resentment for my kids, because they are what keeps me from ending all the pain. But I really love them.

    I do care about ex, but sometimes that means that when it seems like I am making her miserable, I feel like I could make everything better for her if I weren't here anymore. Like she would be free to go on with her life and not worry about me getting in the way.

    Then, I think of the fact that she would have no way to support the kids. But even more than that, I think about how much harm it would do to the kids to know that their father ended his own life. So I think, "I'm going to make sure those kids know their father loved them enough to keep going, no matter how hard."

    I can't believe I feel loved here :tears_of_joy: :baby:

    I can't thank you - ALL OF YOU - enough.
  15. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    of course i care, i am sure we all do. hope youare okay.
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