I want to die !!!

I have tried so hard to get better. I have tried to get help. Everything keeps going wrong. I knew it would all end this way. Dont know why I bothered trying to be something I never will be. I cannot stand this pain anymore. I am sorry I am such a worthless excuse of a person. I am sorry I cannot do anything right. I am sorry I was such a horrible person. The only reason I had left to try is gone. I cannot do this anymore.

 

=(, what was your reason that you felt that you had left to keep on living life for?

 

A person

 

If that person is another but yourself, then you can find many other people out there in the world that will like you and will be close with you if you take the time and make the effort with them in a positive and bonding way. Friendship and relationships are about connecting and sharing the beauty of life with each other as you currently both live in it. If it is a girlfriend or lover that you lost, that is a more difficult situation, if the lover did not die while you were together, just remember that you guys were not together for a reason, if they did pass, then realize that it is completely out of your control that every life form will pass away at their own individual time. If it is yourself, then please explain why you feel that you have lost site in yourself.

 

I tend to think of kittens smiling, the sun, an innocent animal being victimized that needs my help and only I'm there to help them, and I always know that by a gut feeling, that I keep on living for these things, I feel that I can't loose the sun, I can't push away the kittens smiling, and I can't let that innocent animal die when they need my help and they want to live in this world. I keep on living because life is a circle of connectivity with all sorts of enjoyments and experiences, even some that I have no idea that exist or will exist, the bad moments are always just temporary and just for the moment being until the right thing is done to correct it. I appreciate how cells evolve to make animals, we are just a bunch of little cells, and everything is so abstract and amazing to me in this world. Just try to open your mind and look past the evil man made things like boring streets that go on the same thing over and over, and boring cities, and remember where we came from, remember what is supposed to be only for us to see, the beauty of nature.

 

It was a friend who I thought believed in me. I dont have anyone else. I have spent my life being hurt and abused. They took everything I was and threw it away. My mind is not right anymore. I tried to get help and it all went wrong. Not my fault. I am never going to be ok again. I am not someone anyone wants to know. I am a bad person who deserves to die. The world would be better off without me.

 

I read some of your posts to get a better understand of you and your situation. From what I understand, you are in a deep financial situation, have chronic pain, and because of your financial situation, you currently cannot treat your chronic pain, which is negatively effecting your life. If I were you, I would remember the nature that which we all evolved from, the things that we all share, a brain, eyes, etc., gaze upon my neighbors and smile at the beauty of their features at which we appreciate, create those bonds with my community that are sharing my struggles, I would make sure that I was clean looking, and I would apply at as many jobs as I could, and I would enjoy the job and view myself as being a contributor to all that I find beautiful and enjoy in this world, once I had enough currency, then I would get a cheap apartment, and as time went on with my job and apartment, I would get insurance and my pain meds back (speaking as what I would do if I were you, since I assumed that in one of your previous threads that this is your situation).

 

I have no friends, or family anymore, only 1 close family friend do I have now. My family is all abusers and drug addicts. My dad would tell me that he doesn't care about anything that I care about almost daily when I was growing up, and I never let him kill my love. I have been abusive to my only friend as a result of my personal flaws and genes. I love life, and I am working on loving myself again. I am a bully, I admit it, but I will never bring myself down because of it, it's just who I am and it makes sense to retaliate in this world, I don't see how it's that big of a negative thing since everything has to kill in order to eat and survive, that's how we evolved. I have done things so bad to this friend that I have now, that I don't even know how he hasn't punched me in the face to the point of knocking me out, but he is still my friend because we accepted our mistakes and worked past them to a brighter and more enjoyable future for us ahead.

There will always be a friend for you in the future, in a world were there are many humans, in a world were we are in the billions, you CAN find one! If you really can't find any motivation to find one, you should go by a beautiful beach, or by an animal shelter, a park, a festival county fair event thing, a movie theater to laugh with our kind, etc. There's so many nice places on this planet that you can find to connect with our kind together and enjoy this experience.

 

It is not chronic pain that makes me want to die. Being violated by my spouse and no were to turn. No family no friends. Shelters do not take suicidal women. I tried many times. I cannot take care of myself anymore. I am not a person anymore. I want to die. I have been living with this pain for so long. I cannot do this anymore

 

I am happy for you that you have a friend. I do not have anyone. Not a single dam person who cares if I wake up tomorrow.

 

You will always be a person, no one can take that away from you, if you are still living and breathing on this earth, then you are still a person =), you may just need to find yourself inside or re-connect to the love of life. I think the reason that shelters do not take in suicidal people is because of the tragedy that the ones that end their life cause to the positivity of the community. They probably want to take you in, but do not want to lose you, and due to past behavior of them feeling bad and letting some suicidal people in, they probably got betrayed by them ending their life and upsetting the sensitive positive people of the community. Life is an experience, I can't just simply type things in and have you read it and make life beautiful for you again, you have to live the experience after you think of what to do, because that is how life works. Just because 1 man is evil, does not mean that everyone else is. Everyone is just a dice-roll of genes, your ex lover is no exception, he may have just gotten a bad roll, that does not mean everyone else does too, Benjamin Franklin certainly did not.

 

You do not understand. No one dose

 

I would care, as well as most people on this forum would care. It pains me to see an innocent person wanting to purposely take their life permanently away from this beautiful world. You seem like a nice and sweet person that met the wrong guy and stuck around him for too long, that's all, I'm sure that you're not a bad person, all you need is a personal relationship, women do really well with those, so many men, will do so many things just to have a women like you in their life, you must have no idea. So many women are evil, foul, speak of people being ugly all the time and celebrities to avoid life, but you do not seem that way, and most men are around repulsive women that are mean unlike yourself.

 

No one understands anyone on this forum with no posts, it takes them posting things to let us all understand who they are, just like you have done, and are doing now, with each post, is an increased understanding of another user. All it takes, is what you decide to post. =) In short, we understand what you post and what we can imagine and relate to.

 

That makes perfect sense to me. Because my spouse raped me, leaving me suicidal, I am to much of a risk to there precious image, of helping women who are abused. Thank you for clarifying that for me.

 

Now you know why I am going to die.

 

I have been posting on this site since January.

 

Dosent matter anymore. No one believes anything I say. I died a long time ago. I am going to finish the f'ing job now

 

Thank you for the insight.

 

I've been thrown around all my life cause no one likes me and cause of me being suicidal and nasty to people, so I know what it's like being all around and no one helping you. You should go to a counselor for sexual abuse since this is the reason that you are suicidal. I was raped before too, and I'm a guy, but I got over it because I was in a situation where I was experimenting with that guy for a while to figure out my sexuality, and he wouldn't have raped me if I wasn't attractive, so I don't feel bad or traumatized about it because I perceive it as me being attractive so I feel good, and me realizing that some people like him are to be avoided. You maybe should just start lying to shelters and tell them that you are better now. You should percieve it as you getting to love yourself again.