I want to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IAUDHNYGFISYUGD, Nov 11, 2014.

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  1. IAUDHNYGFISYUGD

    IAUDHNYGFISYUGD New Member

    Sigh.

    You've all probably read the title a thousand times before and you've probably heard stories similar to mine a thousand time.
    I don't expect any of you to answer me. I don't expect anything from you. I just need to get this out.

    All my life I've been scared. I was born in the middle of a war but moved when I was less than a year old.
    I obviously don't remember anything. I now live in a country I honestly don't like. All my memories...
    My whole childhood... All in this country that I for some reason don't like. In this country my whole family
    was treated badly (Socially). My mother had cancer back then because of cigarettes but she survived
    thanks to years of treatment in this country. The only reason why we were allowed to be in that country
    was because of my mother. We were put on a camp for immigrants. I was bullied in that camp.
    Our food was poor and we lived in small row "apartments". The bullying left me scared and caused
    violent behaviour later on in my life. When I started in the kindergarden I was always quiet. I let other
    people do whatever they wanted with me. I never took decisions. I was like a tool. I felt helpless.
    It all changed when I for the first time went to school. First, second, third, fourth and fifth grade were horrible.
    I was a thief. I was beating up people. I was lying. I didn't change until I got some friends who changed me forever.
    I was very happy for those friends and I still am to this day. I wasn't learning in school until 7th grade.
    My teacher was very frightening and I was very afraid of her and my parents. I remember little to nothing from 1st - 6th grade.
    The fear for my teacher may have caused this although I see what she did was right back then.
    In fact, she wasn't being rude, racist or anything else at all. I was just frightened and I had no idea why.
    Time has slowly passed by and I started slowly to care less and less. Now I'm in highschool, first year, and I feel miserable.
    I've lost most, if not all, my friends. Those who call themselves my friends are fake. They're liars.
    Mentally I feel dead inside. I want to cry every single day. Suicidal thoughts pass by day after day.

    What am I supposed to do? How about we sum it up quickly.

    - No friends.
    - Parents are giving me a hard time.
    - Mentally scared.
    - Been bullied.
    - Suicidal thoughts every day.
    - Never happy.
    - Not good at anything.
    - Not caring about anything.
    - Probably no future as it looks right now.

    What can I do? My parents are not helping. My mother is smoking cigarettes even though she was close to death
    because of cancer, my father doesn't care about what I accomplish, they both get angry very easily, they call
    me names, they call me fat, stupid, etc. and they never let me do anything. What am I supposed to believe?
    I get food on my table every day, I can take a bath whenever I want, I have a PC, Xbox 360, PS3, PS2, PS1, PSP and so much more.
    How can I not be happy? How? I don't know. They never actually directly tell me that they care.
    They never do anything they promise me. I have yet to have a proper discussion with any of them without
    getting yelled at because they don't like what I'm saying. My mother is even lying in order to get her will and
    she always says that she's a grown up, so she can do this and that, but I'm a teenager, so I can't do this and that.
    I'm always getting yelled at because I sit a lot on the PC, yet she is also always on her PC. She asks me to be more
    with the family, yet they don't put any effort into to it. Every time I want to show something I've accomplished, they
    watch for 10 seconds and then start doing whatever they want. Whenever I'm in the living room they're either
    watching TV, doing something on their iPad or doing something on their PC. I can't talk about feelings with any of them.
    I've been bottling my problems and feelings up in myself all my life. I don't know how to cope with feelings because
    I never got to talk about them. I can't meet new people. I simply don't care for anyone at all. Sometimes I get so
    angry at everything that I want to kill myself with a sharp big piece of wood, but then I think about my life so far.
    So many people have worse conditions than me, yet I'm here complaining. What is wrong with me? These things
    are thoughts that I've had before but do not have now. I've lost interest in everything. If I have to be honest, I feel quite sadistic.
    I can't stop thinking about killing myself in my parent's house, so they can feel the pain they've given me.
    How am I supposed to explain this? I can't explain my whole story, you can fit a whole life story on a single thread.

    Why haven't any accident occured to me yet? I want to die, but I fail to do it myself. I'm not strong enough.
    Where are the accidents when you need them? Why hasn't a car hit me yet? Why haven't I drowned yet?

    Sigh.

    Goodbye.
     
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    High School might be a scary time at first, but give it few more years by then when you're a senior- looking back won't believe how scared you were over nothing. I felt scared my first year in high school, by my senior year I couldn't believe how fast the years flew by. Friends change as well, its always a given that friends will be changing as older you get.

    And it sucks that you have a set of parent the way you describe. What about seeing a school counselor and vent your feelings? Or ask your parents to start seeing a Therapist (since they give you everything you want) as losing interest in everything is a sign of depression and a counselor/therapist can set the ball rolling for you. Constant feelings of suicide is bad as well if you feel your'e over the edge call a suicide hotline it has saved me quite few times- they're nonjudgemental and do have good advice.

    Having a parent with cancer is VERY stressful and I applaud your courage to come on this site and say it. It's hard to see someone poison themselves over and over knowing it's going to kill them its not easy to live with.
     
  3. milo001

    milo001 Active Member

    Hi, it's good for you to let out your feelings eventhough we can't really help you but just let it all out can make you feel better. Why don't you try again to talk with your parents about how you feel?
     
  4. IAUDHNYGFISYUGD

    IAUDHNYGFISYUGD New Member

    I feel better now. I probably should go see a counselor about the fact that I don't care for anything anymore.

    I've tried talking to my parents before, but I've never told them the whole story about how I feel because they ridicule me when I say bits of the truth.

    Besides, I keep getting this feeling of sorrow when I'm thinking about telling them because I remember everything they've done to me.

    Thank you guys for the replies.
     
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