My fiancee is sick of me and is trying to find a way out of the relationship so she can have sex with other people and, I assume, eventually settle down with someone who's better for her. I won't break up with her because I'm still so in love with her, but eventually she'll end it. I stayed alive this long for her. Without her I have no reason to live; nothing else makes me feel anything but boredom, numbness, loneliness, emptiness, whatever. I'm 31 years old, too old to start over with someone else, and no one else would want me anyway. There's too much wrong with me. I just want her to love me again. But I know that's not in my control. I want to end it all but every time I start to succeed, I freak out and abort the attempt. I immediately regret it as soon as I do, so I don't think it's that I really want to live, it's just instinct. I really want to find a buddy to end it with. I feel like that would help me be able to succeed. I posted on Craigslist for my area but the post never showed up; I think they delete such messages. I know I can't ask for that here and I won't. I know how I want to do it. (A way that can't hurt anyone else, and that has a high success rate; I know discussing methods is against the rules so I won't be specific.) But I can't seem to do it right. How much of a failure do you have to be to not be able to die?