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I want to die

#1
I am the luckiest person in this world. And I fucked it all up.
I have the most supported, understanding and tolerance Mother in the world. She would do anything, give up anything she has, even her life, for me.
I have 2 best friends, who no matter what a shitty friend am I, still love me and support me. I don't know what's good I have done to deserve them.
But still, I let them down, over and over again.
It's never because life treated me bad. It's all because of me. It's all because of the choices I have made. I'm designed to fuck things up and let the people I love down. It's just who I am. I'm wired that way.
I can't live with myself anymore, I can't let someone love me, because eventually I'll let them down. I am a fucking fraud.
So I want to end things. I don't want to hear their solutions when I mess up, they should have told me that I was a stupid son of a bitch. I don't want to see them sacrifice their lives for my stupid choices.
This might sounds selfish, but it is for them. They will see that I am a burden that they need to throw away. They'll see it eventually. If not, this is the last time I'll let them down. Because if I continue to live, it's a guarantee that I will disappoint them again. At least thist time, I won't have to see it.

So please, tell me what is the best way to end my life.
 

Riley Z.

π–‡π–Šπ–ˆπ–”π–’π–Žπ–“π–Œ π–‹π–—π–Šπ–Š
#5
Hey friend,
I can totally relate to this feeling of letting down your friends. To be scared that you're just a burden to them. I also know that, no matter how hard people try and convince me, I know what it's like to be deep in the belief that they genuinely don't like me.

You seem like you're a good person deep down, but you're hurting.I know what it's like to make choices to try and push away them because you're worried they'll hate you, but in the process you perpetuate the idea that you're a bad person. I genuinely, completely understand this. But from someone who was on the other end of this situation, I know that it's hard for us as humans to "put up" with friends if we truly hated them. Everyone makes big, sometimes even huge, mistakes.

Would you like to talk about how you "messed up"?
 
#6
I just can't my friend..
I just can't wake up another day and continue knowing that I'll mess up again..
Trust me, I hear you. I am 62.. was successful, etc., suffered trauma and then messed up big time. If I could, I would be gone tomorrow....I stick around for my family but I dread every damn day that I wake up...and I have it all also...I have family, friends, money, etc. I feel your pain more than you know. I fear burning in hell and I cannot devastate my family so I stay....for now. Wish I could say something encouraging but all I want you to know is that you are not alone......
 
#7
Hey friend,
I can totally relate to this feeling of letting down your friends. To be scared that you're just a burden to them. I also know that, no matter how hard people try and convince me, I know what it's like to be deep in the belief that they genuinely don't like me.

You seem like you're a good person deep down, but you're hurting.I know what it's like to make choices to try and push away them because you're worried they'll hate you, but in the process you perpetuate the idea that you're a bad person. I genuinely, completely understand this. But from someone who was on the other end of this situation, I know that it's hard for us as humans to "put up" with friends if we truly hated them. Everyone makes big, sometimes even huge, mistakes.

Would you like to talk about how you "messed up"?
Thanks for your response.

I am 24. And I have a huge debt. Its all because of my bad financial choices.
I didn't come up in a complete family but since my mom always wants me to have the best education, ive always been in the best school, with the rich kids. I hang out with the wrong crowd since then. I tried to show my friends that i am one of them, eventhough that im not.
Since then ive living a luxury life that was founded on my mom's 7 days a week 365 days a year work.
Back to now, i created a huge debt which made me dependent on my mom eventhough she's almost 60. And just this morning, i lost her money again by losing my purse. And you know what she said when i told her? "What about your documents? Mann it's gonna be a hassle for you to get those docs back". Not once that she mentioned about how much ive let her down.
 
#8
Trust me, I hear you. I am 62.. was successful, etc., suffered trauma and then messed up big time. If I could, I would be gone tomorrow....I stick around for my family but I dread every damn day that I wake up...and I have it all also...I have family, friends, money, etc. I feel your pain more than you know. I fear burning in hell and I cannot devastate my family so I stay....for now. Wish I could say something encouraging but all I want you to know is that you are not alone......
I am sincerely sorry for your suffering
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#9
nobody will tell you how to end your life on this site. we are a pro-life site so it's against policy to do so. you are not a fraud, you are hurting right now and there is a difference.

i can promise you that if you commit suicide it will destroy your family and friends and they will never recover. they will always blame themselves for not seeing and stopping it.

just because you have some issues doesn't mean that you are failing. keep trying to make things better in your life. you will find that as you age you will make fewer and fewer mistakes. but for the rest of your life you will make some mistakes at least i do lol. i think if you look good at your life you'll realize that you are ok. i hope you feel better soon...mike...*hug*console*sadhug*shake
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
I can't live with myself anymore, I can't let someone love me, because eventually I'll let them down
Your mother has never stopped loving you even though you say you have let her down many times, and she won't stop loving you if you kill yourself either. You will leave her in agonizing pain, and at 61, I dont think she would be very able to bear it.
If not, this is the last time I'll let them down. Because if I continue to live, it's a guarantee that I will disappoint them again.
At least thist time, I won't have to see it.
So as long as you can't see what you killing yourself would do to those who love you, that's ok?
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#11
your mom is letting you make your own mistakes, she's a good mom. and she was right about losing your purse, replacing your documents is a lot harder than replacing the money. and if the financial mistakes bother you that much talk to your mom. tell her how you screwed up and ask her how to fix it. none of this is worth losing your life over...mike...*hug*console*shake
 
#12
At 24, you have plenty of time to make right anything that you think you have done wrong. As for your debts, maybe you can work a few jobs to help your mom pay them. As a mother myself, I would be beyond devastated if one of my children took their own lives. In the same breath, I know that my children would be devastated if I took mine so I fight the battle every day. Your mom is obviously very loving and forgiving. I bet if you sit down with her and tell her your concerns of how you feel you have disappointed or hurt her, she will understand. You sound like you 2 have a great relationship and could work all of this out. And one final thing, it’s ’only money’...it can be replaced. I am not trivializing your problems, just telling you that I have money and would give it all back to have peace of mind. Your problems are fixable and once they are fixed, you will think more clearly and make less mistakes. You are so young.....please have faith that things will be ok.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#16
I wish I could go back to 24, it is true you have decades(hopefully) to correct things in your life, and I wish you the best in doing so.
 

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