i want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iawaitmydeath, Aug 1, 2007.

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  1. iawaitmydeath

    iawaitmydeath New Member

    Im 21 i have Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy, im in a wheelchair, im very physicly weak, i go threw a lot of pain all day every day some days are worse than others.

    Im trying to justify a reason to live.

    For about 5 years i have known that i will have to end my life prematurely because i dont want to live an extreamly disabled person, i guess this is because i used to be your every day little boy that ran around did all the things kids did, but slower. i eventually ended up in a chair and now im so weak i can bearly lift my arms for a few seconds, my legs are extreamly weak, my back its pretty bad and my neck is probably on the way out next...

    I dont think i can have kids because i will probably pass on the MD to them and theres no way in hell i want to be responsible for another person having to go threw what im going through, especially my own child.

    I cant get a girlfriend, never really had one either, theres more to it but theres no reason to discuss it.

    I have nothing to look forward to in the future, no job, no wife and kids, no hobbies that i really enjoy, computer games is about it, i love cars and motor sport but i want to do the sport rather than spectate, but i cant, ok theres quadbikes and such that people in my condition can do, but when you have the blood from a father that used to be a racing driver and such it just doesnt quite do the job.i used to race karts and such but had to give it up as i was slowing down not as good as i used to be, (because of my condition).

    so what is there for me, my friends are amazing they take me places all the time, but hey im 21 now, so are they in a few years they wont be here, they will be going better places, and i dont blame them.

    i smoke canabis, i find i can get away from the world a bit, chill out, loose a little pain, it helps a bit. i smoke it pretty much every day.

    i know suicide is selfish, as it leaves pain to family and friends, i know it would fuck my mum and dad up a lot, and my older sister. i think my sister would understand the reasons for my death, when i come to end it..

    but i dont have the balls to do it, i go through so much pain every day im scared to have anymore, im scared that i will fail it, and im scared to do it, but i want to end it... i just cant

    i dont know what to do..

  2. justsomeguy

    justsomeguy Active Member

    I really don't know what to say. I'm a physically healthy 27 year old with no ambition left whatsoever. The only pain I have on a daily basis is emotional. I wish I could turn my body over to someone like you, someone that could actually do something.

    In all honesty I think people like you are why I'm still alive. My uncle's been in a wheelchair since he was 21 (I'm 27 and he's in his 50's) and to watch that fucking guy carry on with his life just loving the fact that he's alive gives me hope.

    I really hope you find a way to make things in your life work because it's the strength in people like you that gets me out of bed in the morning, and I'm damn certain I'm not the only one that feels the same.

    I beg of you, please find the strength to go on. The regular whiny fucks like me desperately need some inspiration.
  3. justsomeguy

    justsomeguy Active Member

    Iawaitmydeath, I really don't know how to say this, but I think it's worth saying....I was bawling my eyes out when I wrote my last response. Although, I've calmed down a bit I believe everything I wrote from the deepest cavern of my heart.
  4. iawaitmydeath

    iawaitmydeath New Member

    That does mean something to me, and im glad it helps, but i dont want to be that person, i dont care that im in a chair, i just want the pain to go, and my physical strength back, but there is no cure for MD. Suicide is my only answer i can think of
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...in some ways, I can understand what you are going through...was hit by a SUV (hit and run, but not me) and now i can barely walk several blocks...was a dancer, volleyball player, etc...in constant pain as well...but as long as there is life in these bones, i am fighting...is there anything you can do to maintain your strength? swimming, physiotherapy or gym, etc.? just a suggestions from someone who has seen 67 providers in 3 yrs...big hugs, Jackie
  6. justsomeguy

    justsomeguy Active Member

    Look, I hate myself for putting undue pressure on people that are less able to do the things I dream about.

    I think I spoke too hastily. I wasn't thinking about your life as much as I was thinking about my own.

    I fully understand your sentiments about not wanting to be "that" person. I mean, for fuck's sake, who the hell am I to ask you to be stronger than everyone else when it's clear you're in a fragile state? When I say fragile, I hope that's not offense, because I believe you're stronger in mind than everyone that's talking to you.

    Personally, from man to man I would really like to apologise. I won't pretend that I know what you're going through and I don't think you're the type of person that will pretend to know what I'm going through. I guess, the only thing to suggest is a truce.

    Let us both admit that we've both been unfair and we shall be free.
  7. roro

    roro Well-Known Member

    i have chronic late stage lyme disease and the nerve pain is unbearable and my muscles twitch so bad my whole body jerks. if i dont get better i will be facing a wheelchair someday. actually i cant walk too far anymore because of the heart damage but i am too stubborn to use a wheel chair or get a handicapp sticker, so i just dont go out much.

    one word of advice i can give you, and I have no rigth to say this because i dont practice what i preach, but if you are in pain it will make you suicidal just to try to make pain stop. go to a good pain management center, pain clinic, or pain doctor/specialist and get the pain under control with medications. when i take my pain meds i feel so much better mentally. i get stubborn sometimes and suffer. but its definitely better to take it.

    nerve pain is the hardest to treat and with a neuro-muscular disease, thats probably what you have. it make take some trial and error, but if your current pain meds are not working, try a new doctor for pain.

    you say you will never get a girlfriend, but you dont know that. there are many lonely women out there in situations like yours. dont lose hope for your life. there is a purpose you are here, you just havent found it yet.
  8. roro

    roro Well-Known Member

    i wish i could have your body!

    uh....that didn't come out right :laugh: i am not trying to be weird or anything

    but seriously, I wish i could have a healthy body for just a few weeks. i woudl love to go on vacation and go scuba diving. and hiking in the woods!!!! that used to give me such peace of mind. i have not been outside all summer :(
    i was in line in the sun/heat for 10 minutes getting some food today, and i thought i was going to pass out. i ended up with a fever.
  9. iawaitmydeath

    iawaitmydeath New Member

    i think i will make an apointment with my docter to fix some pain killers, and ill take it from there.

    I think you got the wrong end of the stick justsomeguy, i dont wish to compare our lives it saddens me that your have these issues and you dont know how to resolve it, i think im in a simular situation, but in a physical way rather then an emotional way, hope that didnt come out wrong...

    in the uk "you" turn an adult at 16 in the medical world, so physio and hyrdo, just dissapears really... i cant do much exercise, with my condition i can only slow it down i cant gain muscle, but my hole life is about pro longing more problems, how can i do that when im physicaly tired every day, which is turning to emotionaly tiredness.

    i think im just looking for a peace of mind, i know suicide is not the answer, but im looking for that "get out of jail" free card, for some reason i feel that im aloud to go the "easy way out"

    what do you think?
  10. roro

    roro Well-Known Member

    I understand what you mean by being "allowed the right" to end your life. its the "right to die" issue, physician assisted suicide, etc.

    I sometimes entertain the thought. but when i look at it from the outside, I know its not right. even where PAS is legal, its only legal for people who are in excrutiating pain, terminal and have less than 6 months to live anyway. sorry, but we dont fall into that category.

    when it comes to people like us, we may be in a lot of pain at the moment, but we are not terminal. and some people think that no matter how much pain you are in, there are pain killers that will lessen it to the point that you can function.

    in my situation, i was suicidal last week with the pain, and all i had to do was add 5-10 more mg of vicodin to my pain meds, and I am much better now. i struggle with that I am still trying to work, and the more pain meds I add, the less my brain works properly, and i am making mistakes at work. it sucks, because i love my job, and I worry that some day I might have to go on disability because my pain medicine needs exceed what my brain can function with. but then, everyone makes mistakes, I dont know if I make any more mistakes than anyone else, or I am just more sensitive to it.

    so wait and see what can be done to manage your pain, make sure you are going to a specialist who specializes in pain medicine for the pain. your specialist for your disease may not be also a pain specialist too, if not you might need a different doctor for the pain. I go to a pain clinic, where they have a physiatrist who manages my medication, and group therapy once a month with a psychologist who deals with just chronic pain patients. we all have different causes of our pain, but go through the same emotional issues, family issues, and it helps a lot to talk to others going through the same as me. makes me know I am not alone. they also have an anestesiologist for people who get shots or nerve blocks, and occupatinal therapist for people to help them function better, and physical therapist. so see if there is somewhere like that near you, a pain center or pain clinic. it might help.

    I am sorry, it sucks that you have to go through this at such a young age :hug:
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