I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BOLIAO, Sep 29, 2007.

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  1. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    I'm hopeless. I can't find any solutions to my problem. I cant see a way out. I've let everyone that i love down. I can't cope or adapt to work environments and I have changed too many jobs and I can't cope with my current job. I'm too depressed to carry on with my job and I'm too depressed to look for another job and I am not confident to be able to cope in another job, knowing myself, I wont be able last long in any job and my horrific employment record speaks for itself. I thought of coming out to do something of my own but I can't find anything I am able to do due to my lack of skill and also money. Frequently changing more than 10 jobs in different industries in my 12 years of working experience has destroyed me. I did not change jobs because I wanted to but I can't cope after a while working in each company and will feel overwhelmed & depressed so I have to resign. Then being jobless, I fall even deeper into depression. I dont just have suicidal thoughts. I am suicidal. I am only hanging on because of my parents. they did not do anything wrong and are innocent and they tried so hard to help me. My parents do not deserve all but i cannot stand my life. My dad is in his late 60s and my mum is also in her 60s. How could I let them live with my suicide? It will haunt them forever for the rest of their lives but how? I want to end my life. I see no point in living when i can't even keep a job and earn money to survive. I can't even earn a living and I don't want to live off my parents. i'm already 35 years old and I keep facing problems at work and keep getting overwhelmed and panic. Lately, I have visions of hanging myself and feel loke doing it. but I wont do it in my house cos it would haunt my parents. But even if I do it in a hotel room, my parents will be haunted for the rest of theirl lives. I thought of leaping of a building but with me splatterred all over the pavement, how could i let my parents face this? I love them very much but I want to die. Caught in between ending my misery and my parents. I don't even feel like living or doing anything to cure myself. They ask me to exercise, take a break, go for a holiday etc. But my problem can't just disappear because it's there and it keeps running on my mind. yesterday night i went for a wedding dinner. While people at my table was enjoying themselves , I put up a smily face and chatted with them but al the time in my mind was I feel like hanging myself. This morning I woke up, I din even want to get out of bed. I just wanted to die. I wonder how long can I last. I need to get my will done just incase I suddenly go ahead with my suicide. But how will my parents ever get over me? If I die, their lives will also be destroyed but I really want to die. I've seen a psychiatrist and he has given me medication but what use is the medication when it can't solve my problem? I've had many work triggered major depressions where i was suicidal in the past and this time its even worse as I really really really see no way out. I dont like working. I feel like i'm in prison. How i wish I can be self-employed and not subject myself to the mercy of others but I can't figure out what to do. I've asked many of my friends but no-one can come out with soemthing I can do myself. i've searched the internet about possible business startups but non seemed viable. With my present condition, Im not even stable and can't even think properly. As I've gone through several jobless depressions, i know that my depression doesnt disappear when i resign and I would just want to lie in bed and die. But I can't cope with my current job anymore. I get anxiety attacks and is always on the verge of a nervous breakdown and all that is in my mind is to quit. I really really really cannot stand my job and office enviroment. Crazy deadlines, overloaded with work and totally overwhelmed.
     
  2. TheGlamorous

    TheGlamorous Active Member

    -hug-

    I saw nobody replied to this thread (probably because you don't have any paragraphs which make it harder to read). But I felt compelled.

    May I ask is it just the jobs that are the cause of depression? Or is there something else?

    In my case, I leave jobs BECAUSE I get depressed, not the other way around. When I get out of my depression I always feel bad for leaving said work place.
     
  3. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    I understand exactly where youre coming from, i cant tell if its the depression making me hate work or if its the work making me depressed. previous jobs have been hellish but this one is different, im accepted, i have freedom, i get paid for nothing yet i HATE it so much, im sick of working, the only thing keeping me from quitting is the need for income. it would make me so happy to stay home, perhaps raise a family instead, i would be no more alone at home than i am now.
    ive also tried to find numerous solutions to this problem and i cant think of anything and no one can help which makes it even more frustrating, i cant even think of what i would enjoy doing or anything im good at coz im not. its not as if im lazy and dont want to work, i just have bad concentration and i can never stick to anything so opening my own business would probably flop coz ill get bored or sidetracked and not follow thru.
     
  4. npain42long

    npain42long Active Member

    look, first get out of bed. i wanted to stay in bed this morning and not go in to work. not that i hate my job i just felt the depression was stronger than my need to poke my head out from underneath the covers and go to work. however, since i must eat and my family depends on me working, i got up. boy was that hard to do for me today.....depression to me is like a huge concrete block over my energy level. it keeps me wanting to stay in bed and ignore the need to eat, sleep, stay awake, communicate with my family, you name it. so my advice is get up. one step at a time. do you drink coffee? let's share a cup together, i raise my cup to your getting up. raise your up for me. together we can do this. i have had to learn one step at a time. sucks the big one i know. me, i am a leap taker. not a step taker. i do everything big not small so having to adjust my way of thinking to accomadate my depression is the shits.......next, take a shower. hey we can take one together. i hope you like colder water, i hate hot water. then we can decide on a wardrobe together today. i have to wear royal blue. but i at least get to choose what color socks (my one rebellion). i chooses pink ( my favorite color). how about you. what you gonna wear today? see what i mean. it makes it easier to imagine someone who is in the same boat being there with you walking through the day with you. and if you do not mind i need someone to hold my hand at times throughout the day. okay by you? pm me and let me know how your day was. i will follow up tonight. thanks again for helping me get up and face the day.
     
  5. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    that was nice

    yes the heaviness that the depression brings is unbearable, i unfortunately dont make it early enough to have a coffee, i literally crawl out of bed at the very lastest minute and usually end up late.
    sometimes feel i could use a hand to get me thru the day, i guess thats why im on SF the whole time, that and its the only site thats not blocked :dry:


    btw, my fave is pink too :tongue:
     
  6. ihope2die

    ihope2die Active Member

    agree with the whole job thing, although im only 17, i hate going to work, for the same reason, im just too depressed and i just want to lay in bed forever or just be around my house. i quit my last job for this reason and did crap the rest of the summer. idk, just try n do ur best.
     
  7. TheGlamorous

    TheGlamorous Active Member

    That's my plan for this summer (here in NZ summer is november-february). Just do absolutely nothing!!!:eek:hmy:
     
  8. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    hi people,

    thanks for all your support and encouragement. Just an update, I gave notice of my resignation today cos I cannot cope anymore mentally. Constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown and every little work task is overwhelming for me so much so that it frightens me. I can't work anymore and I dont know what to do with my life. Isn't it weird that there is someone like me in this world who cannot cope with work environments and find working so unbearable until I get anxiety attacks and depression and become suicidal? Whats the point of living when I can't work. I still got to work on for another 2 weeks before i leave. Wonder how can i cope with it when I'm suicidal everyday. While crossing the road today, I want to step in front of a bus which was travelling fast. Sigh.
     
  9. TheGlamorous

    TheGlamorous Active Member

    I know how it can feel sometimes.

    Are you okay with money and that after you leave work?

    I'm sorry to hear that it's come to this, by the way. But it's not like you could do much to make you feel better. Sometimes things do happen for a reason.

    Jumping in front of a bus is probably not the best idea by the way... as much as it hurts now, and if you really are adamant about dying it is best not to do so in a way that makes somebody else feel responsible.

    Especially considering bus drivers get paid crap all :laugh:

    What are you doing now/in 2 weeks?
     
  10. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    yesterday was my last day at my company. i came home. ate a light dinner and immediately went to bed. i layed in bed for more than 20 hours and din want to get out. I can't find any reason at all to pull myself out of bed. no job, can't work, no interest in anyting, no interest in living, nothing at all.
     
  11. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I am in a similar position, except I live with friends who don't know about my problems. I have to get up and at least act normal so they don't badger me.
     
  12. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    A Miracle actually happenned to me.

    First pls let me update all of you what happenned after I left my job 3 weeks ago. I went extremely suicidal. it was so extreme until I was recommended to be warded for observation by the psychiatrist. I wanted to die cos there was no way out. In fact, it's not only I wanted to die, the URGES to KILL myself was so strong until I felt I couldn't hold on for even a week anymore. I prayed and prayed to God for help cos I'm in an impossible situation which I see no way out. I've been through many depressions and I thought there is really no way out for me this time. In fact, only a miracle could stop me from killing myself. Then just last week, a sequence of events suddenly happenned and suddenly snapped me out of my suicidal depression. I just can't believed that this it could happen and I really really am thankful to God cos I know it's him. Well, I'm still jobless and I'm not fearful anymore. Everything happens for a reason. Thank God!
     
  13. PeeOnYou

    PeeOnYou Member

    I've been there at least 3 times. To the point of where my mother took me to a doctor to get me on anti-depressants. They never worked, but just the fact that they were supposed to gave me enough will to go find another job. Of course I'd last a couple months and walk-out. I've been doing the same since I was 16. I'm now 24 and living with the only family member who will put up with me, my older sister, but I can see even her patience is worn thin and she no longer cares. I do have a job right now, but it won't last, I already almost punched a guy in the face for telling me I was an idiot on my first day. I'm in college again, but failing my classes.

    I understand where you are, and I don't have any solution either.
     
  14. PeeOnYou

    PeeOnYou Member

    No that doesn't help you idiot. Do you pour salt on open wounds for pleasure or because you're just oblivious?
     
  15. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Have deleted the post, PeeOnYou
     
  16. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    just an update, I don't have any strong suicidal urges anymore. I want to live but I still see no way out of my job dilemna and am very lost. I get very scary dreams every night and when I wake up, I'm totally negative. It has been more than a month since I left my job. With my current state of mind, only me and God knows, that I can't work. But it is job failure and unemployment thats killing me and it's keeps spirallling downwards. There are times when I feel like I've gone mad. I feel different and in the public, I get 'confused'. My subconcious mind is so screwed and knowing myself n my own personality, only God can help me. I can't even help myself. I'm so fucking sad inside but I can't tell anyone cos they get over worried so I put up a show.
     
  17. Robert_Todd

    Robert_Todd Member

    If you want to be self employed....

    I have no formal qualifications other than my school Certificate and I've managed to carve a business out of computer repair work.

    I charge $60.00 per hour, with a $30.00 callout and noone has ever questioned my qualifications. My biggest customer at the moment is a Medical Centre.

    I have operated a Computer business before (That I started) which went bankrupt because I grew it & employed staff, shopfronts etc.

    You obviously know of computers, and seem quite able to communicate. You should spend $50.00 and put an ad in your local paper to fix computers. If you can't fix it, don't charge anything! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You will however get easy jobs, and earn some money. You would be surprised how much experience plays in computer repair - you basically learn on the job.

    Start by getting your Windows disks together & any other disks you may feel useful. Grab a screwdriver, receipt book, and a bag & that's all you need. If it doesn't work out, stop advertising & go back to plan B.

    HOWEVER.. I should tell you that the reason I'm at this site is because I got used to the idea of working with my family. After the first business collapse, my wife swore she would never work with me again. I just can't go back to working apart from her, so I'm taking the long way out the back door.

    It's good money though, and I make between $80.00 and $2,000.00 per week! (My average is about $300.00).

    Hope this gives you an idea!

    Oh yeah... why do you have to work? Remember when you were young, and the world was up in arms about computers? Stealing away jobs from the everyday working man? Well computers are 100 times faster, but where's the automation & relaxed working hours?

    We're all slaving away so we can have more more more... Good on you for being a revolutionary & wanting less!
     
  18. Robert_Todd

    Robert_Todd Member

    I was thinking... The whole world's so afraid of becoming depressed & suicidal, they're throwing themselves into consumerism to find the meaning of life.
     
  19. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    Thanks for ur encouragement Robert. I want to be able to get out of this shit but i can't seem to control my mind and my extreme fears and it keeps fueling itself until i got no energy to do anything which further makes me feel even worse and so on. I really just don't know what to do. Although I'm not suicidal, I'm in a state of confusion and panic and numb and lost.

     
  20. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    For the past few days, i wanted to get out of my jobless situation which is driving me to the point of insanity. After my past work experiences, I'm so fearful of work and negative working environments so much so that I'm feel like going crazy but staying at home n lying in bed is killing me as my thoughts continue to go round and round. So I decided to force myself to face my fears and called up a unit trust agent to see if I can take up selling unit trusts part time. Immediately after the appoinment was set, I started having heart palpitations and had extreme anxiety.This lasted an entire day and throughout the day, crazy thoughts keep running through my head and I am so scared of whats happenning to me. There is really something really wrong with my mind. I'm screwed. How I wish this is just a dream but what I'm facing is a real life situation and I can't just turn it off like a TV. Oh God, please help me.
     
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