i want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by qwert, Dec 2, 2007.

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  1. qwert

    qwert Member

    i want to die. i know dying is running instead of trying to solve my problems, but i don't want to solve it, i just want to escape. run away without looking back.
    i know my problems are my fault/ i should've tryed harder.
    i've never been stupid. got good grades in the lower classes, then got to a special class for smart kids. got a good SAT. got to a good university for a first degree in a good field.
    first semester was great, good greades. and then...
    i procrastinate. got a assignment to do and submit. i procrastinate: i will do it soon, there is a lot of time. and then the distractions... even without tv or without my leptop, i can daydream or just stare at the wall. so i convince myself i will do it after i check a website or tommorow or after i watch a movie. i convince myself i will finish it, but then it's too late or i deside not to do the assignment 'cause it's just 5% of the grade. i can still get a good grade. in the end i realise i haven't done most of the assignments and i need to get a very high grade on the exam just to pass the course.
    or i just don't listen to the lectures' i zone out, thing about other things. and then i lose track, i doen't know the material, and i don't understand the next material.
    when i meet new people i make them think i'm smart. intentionaly or not. i brag about good grades. but wouldn't you? and then i can't tell them i'm not or that i'm failing. so i lie. to my parents ,to my friends, i lie 'cause i can't tell them i failed. i don't know how to tell them. i don't know how to ask for help. and don't say "just ask". i can't. i recieved notification that i'm expelled. i can appeal in two weeks. i procractinate. i'm afraid to go to the secretary. i'm afraid of a no. i'm afraid of the quastion "way haven't you come sooner".
    i am very shy. if you go out with a group and one of the people doesn't say a word all night and you ask him why i he so quiet, that's me. so i'm allso afraid to talk to athority.
    i can't tell my parents i'm expelled. they think i'm doing so well. i can't tell them that i'm so stupid. i can't tell the about what i've done or actualy what i haven't done. my father has a third degree and my mom has a second. i have to get a degree. me failing is unthinkable.
    i keep thinking about killing my self. leaving this all behind a going somethere else. i'm afraid of failing and having to explain why, and to face with my parents finding out and their reaction.
    i don't seem to find how.
    <Mod Edit: no details please>. ding even feel bad, i was just a realy bad taste.
    i took <Mod Edit: no details please>. throw up a couple of times the next day and felt nausea for a few days. that was a week ago.
    think about jumping but <Mod Edit: no details please>what if i will still be consciousness, and in pain.
    i want to die but afraid to survive.
    this probably sounds silly to you. you probably have real problems. real reasons to think about suicide. you think i'm just silly.
    so many people with abusive parents, drunken parents, economic problems, or legal roblems, or love problems. sometimes i wish i had a messed up family so i could have a reason. i have a good family, they don't drink, don't abuse me, and we don't have money problems. but that just it. there is nothing. i'm 22, no friends (just people i stidy with but they are not really my friends), i've never fallen i love. i don't know what love means. i can't say i love my family. i don't know what it means. love is the fuzzy feeling people in tv get. it's spossed to be something really great.
    i hate
    i hate everything
    but espessialy myself, 'cause i know my problems are my fault.
    i want to die but i even procrastinate that. tommorow. next week.
    i hate being alone and fell bad in company.
    i want to date untill the date comes and i want to end it
    what i realy wan't is to do nothing. just watch tv forever without any one interupting me
    i hate my parents. the good thing in the university is being far from them

    i never told that to anybody, probably doing this just because it's anonimus.
    i allways pretend everything is ok, can't tell them it's not, don't know how.
    don't know why i'm telling you all this
    probably will get carebear replies:"life is worth living",something about ups and downs...
    i don't know what i am expecting to hoping for
    except not waking up
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2007
  2. lil-sis-one-of-two

    lil-sis-one-of-two Well-Known Member

    Hi

    Welcome to SF.

    If you want to talk I am here.

    Ebbie
    Xxx
     
  3. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi there...

    I've edited out specific details out of your post, as we don't allow methods here..

    It's good that you made the first step in reaching out, even if at the moment you may not want to live - emotions can change..

    Take care of yourself..

    Joe
     
  4. jonstark

    jonstark Well-Known Member

    Hi, qwert!

    I'm in university right now, and I am beginning to think university and high school are a complete waste of time. I think one can learn a lot on one's own. The incessant assignments and final grades based on 2 tests and the teachers of varying competence are too much.
    Maybe leaving university is the best thing that ever happened to you. Now you have freedom in your life. If you really want to go back to university, you could first work a bit or travel a bit, and then go back.
    Or you could just get a job and forget university.

    Besides, it is not you that are doing this. You seem to have depression. Depression makes doing anything impossible.
    I identify with you in a lot of ways. I'm also 22 and have never had a girlfriend. I don't know if I believe in love. I also have super-educated parents that could never possibly handle the idea of me failing school. And I also don't feel like doing anything most of the time.
    About the parents. My parents practically consider people that don't go through university subhuman. I don't want to even think what you are if you fail high-school. I've reached the conclusion my parents are damn fools, despite their education. But the pressure on me and my brother remains. A couple of days ago I heard him say that it's university or death. He meant it figuratively. But the metaphore is accurate. I wonder if you are in a similar situation.

    It's not procrastination that's causing you to fail your courses, it's depression. And it's not your fault that you hit depression. The fault lies with your environment. It's NOT your fault! Depression lifts after a while. Try to hold on!
    I hope you feel better soon! :hug:
     
  5. qwert

    qwert Member

    but how?
    how do i tell my parents that i lied about my grades, about everything?
    how do i tell them that i am expelled?
     
  6. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Can't. You keep saying you can't but you CAN. Fear makes us believe we can't do things but there are times when we need to push that fear aside and just do things and this is one of them times. You are struggling a lot and you need to speak out. I understand it's hard but it's really important you let people know how you are feeling.

    You're under a lot of pressure right now by yourself AND other people, you seem to think you need to be this intelligent person otherwise people will turn the other way and not want to know you but you need to be yourself otherwise it'll probably end up coming down like a sack of potatoes.

    First and foremost, if your courses are suffering I think it's important you speak to your professors and let them know what's going on. Explain to them that you ARE struggling with the course content, perhaps they could spare some of their time to help you out or give you more material to help you understand more. They are there to help, please use them. Don't feel stupid or ashamed or ANYTHING of the sort. They will probably be glad that you are speaking up. No one wants you to fail.

    As for your parents, they most likely have high expectations of you because they want the best for you, and for you to have the best life possible. It's sunk into our heads that the only way to acheive this is to have some sort of degree but at the end of the day, it is your life and you are not identical to your parents. Your parents should understand this and hopefully if you tell them you are struggling they will help support you.

    If you feel unable to talk to your professors and parents, perhaps you could send an e-mail or write letters.

    I understand it may be a scary thought for you, but please do something about this. You're under strain, and you feel trapped, and you feel the only way out is to kill yourself but it ISN'T. You do have a lot of potential, break this fear, speak out, and don't throw this potential away.

    Take care of yourself. :hug:
     
  7. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    well, I do not think this is your fault, we get in this stereo typical I have to do this or do that idea, and it can become very hard to deal with and confining. But one thing is you probaly have some sort of inbalance in your brain chemistry, and you are not able to function normally, maybe if you can get some medication that will help, also maybe vitamins and herbs, might help grape seed extract is good to help mood elevating.
     
  8. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    you say you do not love your parents, but inside you must love your parents or you would not care if they knew if you have bad grades, and I know you think well, people think you are stupid but you are not, this is your life, and you have every right to be upset its your world... and if its not going right then why would you not be upset, and to one type of person things may not bother them and another person that has the same situation it might be a lot different, you are who you are you cannot change that, you can only work with what you have we all have certain things, and right now you probaly think its gone to far to fix, but your parents might be able to help things if you talk to them, you could go and appeal the situation, and get a doctors not stating that you are deppressed, and need to deal with that and need some time off, and see if they can help you with that.
     
  9. qwert

    qwert Member

    i just told ,my parents i'm expeled.
    i have to leave the dorms till sunday.
    they are coming to peek me up.
    my mom (who i told on the phone) ask why didn't i tell her sooner becouse mybe some thing could be done. asked what i was doing all this time. asked why i failed. asked if i want to study something else.i said din't want to study at all.she was preaty chocked, asked me what i want to do with my life. what will i do without a dgree. i trully don't know. i have no dreams or plans or even things i want to do.
    then my father called. he said i should have told them instead of lieing. that i have no closer people and i am wrong for never telling them anything.
    soon they will peek me up and i will go home. i am afraid of all they'll say to me there. and my grandparentes.
    i don't know what i want to do now!!!!!!!


    i want to drop dead
     
  10. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

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