I want to die.

I feel like i'm going to end up committing suicide one of these days. I know a lot of people say that, but I really mean it. There's no help for me. No nurse or psychiatrist can help me because i'm not sure they even know what's wrong. I feel depressed, yet they treat me for psychosis. All they want to talk about is psychosis even though I want help for my feelings of depression. I always seem to have a headache that never goes away despite taking painkillers, I have nobody to talk to, I sleep from 5am - 3pm and generally feel like a zombie. I can't even read much either (something I loved doing) because of the pain in my head. I can't concentrate on tv because I have so many thoughts racing through my head. I pathetically tried to hang myself from a basketball post in my garden and even failed that. Just like I failed the overdose I took in december. I've contemplated throwing myself infront of a speeding train but I couldn't go through with it because of the impact it'd have on the driver. I've thought about jumping but I couldn't find an appropriate place to do so. I've now decided that i'll jump from beachyhead. That should be easy, one small step and there'd be no turning back. I wouldn't be able to call out for help when I jump. My survival instinct won't be able to do anything. I imagine that i'd die fairly quickly anyway so it seems ideal.

 

:hug:

I feel the same way, it is just a matter of time and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I was just sitting here thinking how I really need to die but it takes so much conviction to carry it through and I would feel bad for my mother. My life is just so empty and I'm such a loser. Hopefully one of these days soon I'll have peace.

I wish I knew what to say to you to take away your pain. It makes me sad to hear you talking about ending your life, but I'm afraid I'm not much help cos I feel the same way but please don't hurt yourself.

PM me if ever you want to talk

Best wishes

 

I remember reading your posts when I first joined, a year ago. I recall that we were both struggling mightily. I'm sure you have had ups and downs since then, so although you're feeling so bleak right now, it won't be like this forever. Please give yourself a chance to heal. I really do wish you the best.

 

dyou know what.. they dont know whats "wrong" with you..they dont know whats wrong with anyone. psychology is based on models and speculations..noone knows what its like to be you and thats why the world is so hard. it makes me laugh when psychologists try to generalise peoples emotions. i just wished everyone cared about everyone else more.

 

I feel the same way. I sleep a great deal and I can't focus on anything. They're treating me for god knows what everything, but depression.

I'm somehow hanging in by a thread.

 

The consultant psychiatrist I see admitted that it's educated guess work on his behalf when prescribing medication because the nature of mental illness is unique to each individual. I've made one simple request: Significantly reduce my depressive misery. Instead, I'm patronized with psychological propaganda and urged (told) to co-operate with CBT for panic disorder, the reasoning being that I'll feel naturally better if I conquer the anxiety. When I put this conundrum to the psychiatrist, he responded with this statement:
"Well, I'm wondering how much of your personality is naturally.... erm... sort of depressed, if you like; you know, some people are just more serious and prone to a low mood."
I meekly replied with:
'Hmm, maybe'
If it wasn't such an effort to speak concisely, I'd verbally reprimand him for his presumptuousness. Instead, I just switched off for the rest of the session knowing that my suicidal/violent thoughts were not being taken seriously. It's bloody humiliating. I've got two choices 1) Commit suicide 2) Accept abject misery, regard it as a normal healthy mindset, and function around it.
The train method is a toughie if you're not naturally inclined for a violent death. I sat on a tube platform twice in two days, after deciding the tube driver would get over it. I learned that part of this method (for me) was rooted in my ego to die horrifically in front of others, so I rejected it. I also learned that I'd prefer a cozy type death, like wrists and OD. All I wanted was some happiness before I go.... like the dieing soldier who is given a fat dose of morphine before he kicks the bucket. We're talking compassion... I partly blame the mental health establishment for so many people turning to alcohol and drugs. It's probably a deep rooted spiritual problem anyway, so I'm giving my local Catholic Church a serious try. Psychs just treat the exteriors to try and get you functioning in the societal machine that broke you in the first place... and of course they have their little financial incentives from the Government for every 'ill' person they succeed in prodding back to slavery, oops, work.