I want to die!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by challangerchris, Mar 13, 2009.

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  1. I've proper had enough, I can't go on like this.

    No freinds, my ex took the kids away from me, 12 yrs of cannabis use, social anxiety, paranoia, no self-esteem/confidence, very shy, brain just doesnt work, crisis team told me im normal, fed up of waiting for councilling, scared of having any kind of fun, shaking, head feels like it want to explode, no motivation, tired all the time, im angry cos i cant find no answers on what to use to OD.


  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.

    Sorry you are so low at the moment. You're not pathetic though, you are here & posting. That takes a lot of courage :hug:.

    Please hang in there, your counselling appt will come through. Who else is supporting you right now? Please keep talking if it helps.

    Take care & stay safe xx

  3. No support whatsoever.

    I've done everything that has been asked of me, and i've got nowhere! I went to see GP, he sent me to Crisis team, I went. Crisis team refered me to the crisis physciatrist, I went and spilled everything. I was given two more physciatrist appointments, which I attended and spilled everything again.

    Physciatrist then tells me i'm very normal - even though i'm having very detailed suicide thoughts (jumping off a high bridge near my house and sitting in a cinema car park with a hose pipe coming into the car window)

    I go back to the crisis team mant more times for help when things are bad. I talk and talk and talk.

    They refered me to a substance missuse place, I went and they told me because i've stopped cannabis for 6 weeks on my own they can't help me at all. They refer me to something called the 'basement project' and I spoke to the bloke who runs it over the phone but they only see people mon-fri during work hours and the course goes on for 8 weeks......I tell him I work full-time and he tells me the 'basement project' isn't anygood for me then, and can't give me any details on anthing else.

    I've been started on Citalopram 20mg, which i've taken and gone to chemist this week to get another months supply. I've never missed a tablet like instructed.


    I've joined various websites including this for tips/help/advice but i'm not getting anywhere, not thats anyones fault - apart from my own for turning into who I am today through a variety of self-inflicted bad habbits, that have most likely led to other problems further down the line.

    I can't handle groups of people, more so people I already know. Everything revolves around people and if I 'flight' round people then how am I supposed to help myself. Its a horrible situation to be in.

  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Are you being honest with them all, telling them that you are suicidal? A lot of people get confused when there is talk of 'harming themselves' & being 'suicidal'.

    I know what it's like to feel that nobody is taking you seriously, I'm there just now.

    The fight/flight response is also very common & like you I always choose flight. But please stick around, I know you've tried other forums but give us a chance...please?

    How long have you been on your meds for? xx
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sorry things are so rough right now...it does sound like you have tried so hard ...you are starting a new med which will take time to work and posting about how you are feeling...these are brave acts and you seem determined to help yourself...maybe forgiving yourself and finding what you CAN do may be helpful...nothing is all black or white...life is lived in the grays...big hugs and please continue to let us know how you are...PM me if I can help...I may be away for the weekend, but back online on Mon AM...J
  6. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    I'm pretty sure this isn't against the rules. If it is, sorry.

    I'd like to be very clear I only advocate this as a last resort.

    If you really need the help, plan a suicide attempt that you know will fail. If you intend to do this, be very careful; it goes without saying. I again say this is a last line of defense.

    But please, at least *try* the help before trying a serious suicide attempt.
  7. When I first went to my GP (dec '08) I told him I was very suicidal, he gave me a questionaire to fill in and he was straight on the phone to the crisis team at my local A&E. I told the crisis team how I felt, going into alot of detail - which I found very easy to do as I was desperate for help.

    I started on 10mg Citalopram from my GP in late Dec 08, then after I saw the crisis physciatrist for the 1st session she bumped my dosage upto 20mg, this was at the end of Jan 09.

    Yes I've really pushed myself to get the help I need, I think i've got to a point where i've done everything asked of me and seen nothing much in return - that sounds really selfish, and I apologise in advance for that. Thank you for your PM support.

    I could never plan a failed suicide, it would surely make things worse - I wouldnt have the guts to face family after that. The only way it would work is if I was to be succesful first time trying. Yes it would destroy my family but they would be able to rebuild their lives in time, my kids are still young enough (aged 6 & 3 - dont live with them anymore)to adapt to me saying goodbye IMO. I told this my physiciatrist too and she said it would destroy them forever, but surely if I am suicidal and have been for a while then i'd rather go through with it now than when my kids are older (eg. 8 & 11)

    I'm fed up with spending all my life watching other people smile and laughing as they pass me by, people at work asking me 'what you got planned for this weekend' and 'what did you get upto at the weekend, do owt nice?'

    Birthdays spent on my own (my b-day coming up 15th March), new years eve on my own with my pillow over my face to blank out the noise coming from neighbours house parties etc.

    Making up illness's whenever I get an invite to a family wedding/special occasion. Feeling bad for doing so months after, but knowing if I went I would suffer from overwhelming paranoia/anxiety.

    I can't seem to connect with anyone, and never have done - even before the cannabis started when I was 17. I'm 29 tomorrow, and it just feels like my brain is dying.

    My vocablary is very very basic, I find myself looking up alot of words on the net dictionary to see what they mean as I havn't a clue - a hour later and not only have I forgotton what that word meant but i've forgotton what the word actualy was.

    Same as songs I like that come onto the radio, I get a particular verse that goes round and round inside my head - i usually dont even know the proper lyrics, but instead make my own up. Then for some strange reason I can't even remember how the song goes at all.

    I find myself listening alot to other peoples conversation to see how/what they talk about - and alot of the time they are telling a story of something that has happened to them or someone they know, I can't possibly do this as I can't remember anything. My kids will do something funny when I see them at a weekend and will tell myself to remember what it was they did so I can bring it up in a conversation at work on Monday - but by the time Monday comes the story has escaped my head, I will sit thinking about it for hours and never remember why/what happened that was funny.

    I can't handle critisism, I think its known as highly sensative personality. Other people seem to have a good time when taking the mick out of each other, its not hurtful stuff and I can see that but when I try do that its somewhow different and when people do it to me I feel very much on the spot and can't laugh at myself.

    I dont actualy know if any of this makes any sense at all to you, i'm trying best to pluck snippets of info out of my head - this is hard when you have a million plus 1 things all going round together.....its all very confussing and overwhelming to deal with.

    Its just a mess, I wish I would never wake up or wake up with a new brain. But I can't see that happening which scares the hell out of me.
  8. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    all of you last post makes sense to me, and maybe to put you slightly at ease, i've never done drugs, so the cannibis might not be the reason.
    but i relate. i cant give you any answers. but your not the only one like this.
    continue with the meds and the help. i cant get any help. the doctors pass it off sasying i'll be ok. and thats even when i've been brought in from an attempt.
    chin up look ahead, and get better for your children :hug:
  9. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey Chris,

    How you feeling today?

    Please give the meds a chance. You're still on a low dose, most people tend to be on 60mg a day. If you're tolerating the 20mg ok then I would go back to the GP or psychiatrist & ask them to increase it.

    Take care xx
  10. This morning was bad, had an arguement with the ex - in front of the kids......everything got to me and I just fell to pieces...

    My mood picked up this afternoon, but feeling bit crappy about stuff again. Wish I could let go of my ex, its been 2 yrs since we split - I still can't let go of her even though she aint interested. Not sure if its cos I have no one else in my life - can't stop living in the past knowing how happy I was when I was with her and the kids.

    I can't stop myself looking on facebook at her profile, its like im addicted at torturing myself. I really need to stop, but I can't -

    Not quite sure how im gonna deal with another bloke moving in with her, taking over the role of 'daddy' - yes i know i will always been their daddy but only a part time daddy, not the same as living with them full time.

    Makes me sick from the toes up. Sigh!

    Thanks for the support, it helps.
  11. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey Chris,

    These things take time to get over, you're grieving for the end of your marriage & there's no time limit on that sort of thing.

    It can't be nice thinking about someone else being in the house & taking over your day to day role of being Dad. Is there someone in your ex's life just now or are you thinking towards the future?

    Big hugs :arms: xx
  12. We never got married, I wanted to but my social anxiety always made it impossible to do so - so i used to say things like 'i dont believe in marriage'

    Its only now we started talking about my SA problems, and to my huge dissapointment she said she would of been happy just to drive to Scotland with the 2 kids and pick 2 witness's up from the streets, if I would have known this I would of done it!!!!!!!!

    There is no one in my ex's life, im just thinking towards the future.
  13. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Since it's now after midnight....:bday:.

    Would being married have changed anything between you?

    Can I ask why you & your ex split? If you don't want to tell me that's ok, you can pm me too if you don't want anything on the boards.

    :hug: xx
  14. We split for various reasons, i'll try highlight them;

    I smoked weed, which made me lazy, tired and very bad tempered when I was running low or had run out; the weed also had knock on effects:-

    Lack of money, avoidance from people cos I was wrecked all the time, no emotions to help my ex when she started suffering from panic attacks (I used to say 'it's all in your head') - how pathetic does that make me feel now i'm going through depression/SA!!!!!

    When we found out that we were having a baby I basically told her I didnt want it, we were sat at the hospital waiting for the termination pill and she broke down in tears so I said we wouldnt go through with the termination - she wanted a baby with me and just saw me saying no to it as not been commited to her.

    The marriage thing I mentioned earlier, she saw marriage as a life long commitment and cos I didnt want to (for all the wrong reasons) she saw this as me not wanting to spend the rest of our lives together.

    I would always have a go at my ex for not having a job, and would blame that on the reason why we couldnt afford holidays etc (yup, my weed addiction was fine but her not working wasn't :mellow:)

    We started having really pathetic arguements over really trivial stuff, but it was affecting the kids and making them unhappy so she got up and moved out.

    She has now turned her life round without me, got loads of good friends now - has started going out and having fun.

    Jelousy is bloody awful! She is alot happier without me and im the opposite - even though I did quite a good job at pushing her away even though I couldnt see it.


    Thanks for the b-day wishes! A year older and no wiser........lol
  15. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    We're usually good at pushing people away, sadly it's usually too late by the time we realise it.

    Is there ever a chance of you & your ex getting back together? Is she aware of how you are feeling right now? xx
  16. Since getting my emotions back after the quitting of weed all I seem to do is turn into a big cry baby.

    I think I hug her too much, and by the time we have stopped hugging my eyes are full.

    She knows exactly how I feel, all she says is she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. Too much has happened. Love her to bits!
  17. I hate this feeling so much, my head is spinning with suicidal thoughts again.

    I know what I need to do but its becoming an impossible task - i'm friendless since dumping my old 'smoking' buddies. We had nothing in common anyway, apart from us getting stonned.

    I need to meet people who I can connect with, something I've never done before - the only problem with that is my acute shyness and social phobia. I know if I was to meet some new friends (can't see this happening but I am trying) I know I would have to give a good impression otherwise they will just cast me off to one side like all my previous experiences.

    It's like im affraid of fun, people, conversation (as im shy and never know what to say). So basically I'm a saddo, and who wants to be friends with a saddo right fair.
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Chris,
    Your quite right, you have to learn to be intimate with your self before trying to make friends..Have you thought about seeing a therapist?? I have been seeing mine for three years and can see the progress I have made..They are very helpfull in teaching you coping skills and to learn to set goals that are accomplishable..Once you start thinking positive then you can proceed in learning to love yourself..
    As far as your irrational thoughts, there are meds for that( Geodon, And Abilify ) are the two I have been on..I am currently taking the Geodon..
    You will eventually get past your ex..You probably will always love her because she is the mother of your children..Being there dad is going to just get stronger as the years go by. Your kids will know you love them even if your ex has someone new come into her life..My daughter knows I love her and I have an eight year old grandaughter who also knows I love her.. She gives the best hugs and won't let go..Your life will get better but it will take work, Thats why I recommend a therapist to help guide you!!Take Care!!
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