I want to Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lawoolybear, Jun 30, 2009.

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  1. lawoolybear

    lawoolybear New Member

    I live two lives. One life is full of misery, and despair. The other is the life of a happy person, who has overcome multiple encounters with death.
    The first life, I hide all the hopelessness, fear, sorrow, pain and suicidal, sabotaging thoughts and feelings deep inside. I think as long as I can hide them inside where no one knows, I will be accepted by society. I have not always been this way. Five years ago I had a surgery to lose weight. The surgery was a disaster, and I ended up living in the Hospital for almost a year off and on, while they tried a different surgery on me every other week. At the end of this year they ended up performing an emergency surgery to save my life. The problem was that during that difficult time I gave up on all hope. I had permanent IV lines sewed into my neck called TPN lines. They were for fluids to keep me alive. I decided one day, to find some intervenes drug addicts and have them shoot me up with enough stuff so I wouldn't wake up. Unfortunately I did wake up. I tried this one more time, and I still woke up. I went to the hospital and asked them to remove my feeding lines as I was trying to overdose myself through them. They removed them, and a week later after having no fluids or nutrients they performed an Emergency surgery to save my life. Within 6 months of this surgery I lost my wife of 20 years, my job at Boeing Aircraft, and my house. I had given up on life and everything around me. During this time I tried to kill my self about 20 times, but I never received any psychiatric help. When I asked for it they said I didn't need it. I would find myself gasping for air and having panic attacks, still no doctors thought I needed psychiatric help. They all thought that the surgeries I had caused the psychiatric issues. From that time I have been thinking and strategic planning on how to do it successfully. I don't want to fail at it. It is too painful. I struggle with being honest with my self, and I finally realize to my inner self, that when I walked in front of the eighteen wheel truck, I was suicidal. The accident ended up leaving me crippled for 3 years. I am just now starting to walk again. I don't want to injure myself; I just want to pass away. I don't want to fail, so I have stopped overdosing, wrist cutting, taking poison etc. They are not full proof, and are just drama. I want to quietly die, and have my body destroyed with no difficulty. I was thinking I could find an herbalist and tell them I have a terminal diseseace so they would provide a solution to do this. I don't take drugs nor do I drink. They get in the way, as I end up trying to kill my self and I live through it, because I used a sloppy technique. I am out of strength and I can no longer live both of these lives.
     
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum. With all you have been through, don't you want to live and say, "look at all the s**t I've been through and I'm still alive. Man, you are a survivor. You can rebuild your body, then your life. THere must be some psyciatric facility or program where you can get some help. Yes, this I believe you need (nevermind the doctors).

    Stick around a while here and have a chat with some intelligent and caring people who have suffered as much and some more than you. I do not diminish your story, it's horrible, but you survived it. Amazing. I am not a believer in religion, but for some reason I feel you were meant to be here.

    I hope you can find some solace and answers here.
     
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    You've shown your a survivor by making it through this far so dont give up now.
    We're all here for you so keep talking to us :hug:
     
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