I live two lives. One life is full of misery, and despair. The other is the life of a happy person, who has overcome multiple encounters with death. The first life, I hide all the hopelessness, fear, sorrow, pain and suicidal, sabotaging thoughts and feelings deep inside. I think as long as I can hide them inside where no one knows, I will be accepted by society. I have not always been this way. Five years ago I had a surgery to lose weight. The surgery was a disaster, and I ended up living in the Hospital for almost a year off and on, while they tried a different surgery on me every other week. At the end of this year they ended up performing an emergency surgery to save my life. The problem was that during that difficult time I gave up on all hope. I had permanent IV lines sewed into my neck called TPN lines. They were for fluids to keep me alive. I decided one day, to find some intervenes drug addicts and have them shoot me up with enough stuff so I wouldn't wake up. Unfortunately I did wake up. I tried this one more time, and I still woke up. I went to the hospital and asked them to remove my feeding lines as I was trying to overdose myself through them. They removed them, and a week later after having no fluids or nutrients they performed an Emergency surgery to save my life. Within 6 months of this surgery I lost my wife of 20 years, my job at Boeing Aircraft, and my house. I had given up on life and everything around me. During this time I tried to kill my self about 20 times, but I never received any psychiatric help. When I asked for it they said I didn't need it. I would find myself gasping for air and having panic attacks, still no doctors thought I needed psychiatric help. They all thought that the surgeries I had caused the psychiatric issues. From that time I have been thinking and strategic planning on how to do it successfully. I don't want to fail at it. It is too painful. I struggle with being honest with my self, and I finally realize to my inner self, that when I walked in front of the eighteen wheel truck, I was suicidal. The accident ended up leaving me crippled for 3 years. I am just now starting to walk again. I don't want to injure myself; I just want to pass away. I don't want to fail, so I have stopped overdosing, wrist cutting, taking poison etc. They are not full proof, and are just drama. I want to quietly die, and have my body destroyed with no difficulty. I was thinking I could find an herbalist and tell them I have a terminal diseseace so they would provide a solution to do this. I don't take drugs nor do I drink. They get in the way, as I end up trying to kill my self and I live through it, because I used a sloppy technique. I am out of strength and I can no longer live both of these lives.