I want to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brighid Moon, Aug 2, 2009.

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  1. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I have the means.

    All I need is the balls.

    I'm exhausted.

    That is all.
     
  2. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    can you take a break from life for a while and maybe just let go of the frustration you feel?For a little while?I see you have been here a while at SF..hopefully you have found some support here..and you can ride this out so you can get back to being a valued presence here at SF ...I don't know what is going on in your life but I do know how awful it feels to be suicidal and that thankfully it is something that passes..like all pain.If you are tired..then stop trying to be what everyone else expects and just take it easy...rest.
    Care to talk more about it?I'm up tonight and got no where to go.
     
  3. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    Hey hun, what's going on?

    :love: & you're not going anywhere without talking to me first!
     
  4. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I can't take any more. And I'm going to be homeless by the first of next month. And I'm going to have to get rid of everything yet again. And all of my fears are coming true, once more, as they always do no matter how hard I try. I give up. I can't bear it.
     
  5. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    that's scary.Not knowing where you will go.I don't know your situation but I know how it feels to not know where I will be next month,that is for sure.The worst case scenario is a shelter..the best case scenario is a new job..or another opportunity arises..but it is hard to believe that when you are in darkness right now.Night time is not a good time to worry about these things..you should try to tell yourself there is nothing I can do right now..tomorrow I will start to think of a solution....
    Everything seems more bearable when the sun comes up...just hold on till morning...people here care about you..lean on your friends..
     
  6. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    There is no tomorrow. I don't want to go through this again. I can't bear it. I'm just trying to decide which way I want to go, that's all. I don't want a tomorrow. I don't want anything else ever again. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I can't work. I'm tired of my dad's games and being the only one that sees them. I don't want to be eleven when I'm forty-four. I don't want to hope and have dreams that come crashing down around me any more. I don't want physical things because they all go away, just like people all go away or turn on you. No trust. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Go to sleep next to my dog who is the only person who loves me and snuggle her until I fall asleep and then never wake up again. She's the last person I want to see.
     
  7. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    your dog sounds like a cutie..I hope you are snuggling with her now.They will want you to snuggle with tomorrow.dogs are a miracle..they really are..they love unconditionally but it our love we give them that seems to heal our own pain..I know how impossible life seems in these dark moments..but amazingly..if we just make it through the night..the sun chases away some of that hopelessness.So many others here would be better at offering advice..I can only say I know how bad it feels...how bad you are feeling.Sounds like you need some changes in your life..but you can't do it right now.Now you need to let it go..and make it through the night.You are not alone here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2009
  8. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm going to sleep with my dog. You're very sweet. I may not wake up. I hope I don't. I'm going to pray to some god I don't believe in again that I don't, like I have been for 37 years. That's why I know there isn't a god, and they don't answer prayers. I can't take any more. No more losses. No more pain. No more chaos. No more homelessness. No more alone. Nothing. It's over. I'm sorry.
     
  9. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    What about your pup though? Who's going to love her like you do?? Its not fair to her to lose you
     
  10. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know. I don't know yet. This going to be homeless and losing everything is setting me off too badly. I'm going to go to sleep. I'm not talking about what I'm going to do or not because that's against the forums. I hope I don't wake up. I hope. I'm not even me.
     
  11. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    have you taken anything yet?If you haven't..then you will wake up snuggling with your pooch.If you could post a little more,hon,vent a little more..you will release some of that despair.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2009
  12. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    ok then pm me..one more time..you definately need some sleep..If you are off to dreamland till morning,then I wish you a peaceful rest and may the sun warm your face tomorrow.Hug that pooch for me,too.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2009
  13. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I woke up. There is still no god. I have to get rid of everything I own now. Maybe when I end up on the street someone will kill me. I hope. Though I was never that lucky before - obviously. Instead I had to live through it and always remember. That's why I know that dying is better than living. Maybe I will die today.
     
  14. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    hi brighid
    I'm glad you woke up :) .Maybe you can put your things in storage if and when you have to move..or get someone to hold onto them for you?What is important is where YOU will be...and your dog!What are your options ?Why do you have to leave in the first place? What is the worst case scenario for you?
    If you would like to talk,I am here..and you can pm me anytime.
     
  15. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I can't afford rent and utilities. They've cut my check. If I pay rent and utilities I have no money to take care of anything else. At all. I'd have $20.00 a month to live on. I've been fighting being back on the street for years and I don't have the fight in me any longer. The world wins. I fail at life. There are no more options. I can't stop crying. I'm never going to have anything again or allow myself any more hopes. Ever. I can't stand the loss.
     
  16. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    You definately will not end up back in the streets.Please put that out of your mind..Firstly,think about this..you WILL have rent and utilities paid ..the rest..you CAN get help with.No one can throw you onto the street because you have ,unfortunately,just enough to cover shelter.There are even food pantries for pets,did you know that?I don't know if you have them in your area but it is worth googling.I'm sorry they cut your check..there are resources for people low income..like food stamps and food pantries and charities but it requires time and effort to seek these.You obviously qualify unless they are considering another source of income if you live with someone else..which I know doesn't help matters if you live with someone who only adds to your pain.
    Do you have a therapist?Someone who you can tell who might be able to direct you to these resources you need?I feel so bad for you because I know how you feel first hand.So trust me when I say I care.It sucks to feel helpless.Its at these times we need to think rationally..
     
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you talk with someone in the works dept about getting help until your on your feet again A supplement to what you are making talk with social services about your situation or your doctor they may have some ideas for you. please don't give up hope. Talk to someone in the community that knows what services are available in your area take care please try to stay strong but i know how hard it is.
     
  18. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so exhausted. I can't think about these things. You're both so very kind. I'm so tired. I just want it all to go away. I don't have the ability to handle it any more.
     
  19. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Try and sleep for however long but try and not attempt. Sleep can really help you at times when you're feeling so desperate.

    I don't want to see you die.

    Who has cut your check to $20.00 and why did they do that? If it was Social Security, you could go and ask why, and say there's no way you can live on that amount. Maybe it was a mistake, offices here do that all the time.
     
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