I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Crayon, Oct 7, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    Or sleep forever, or take a pill which will stop me from ever feeling anything ever again.
     
  2. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    what makes you feel that way? here if you want to talk about it

    *hugs*
     
  3. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    I don't have a future. I don't really have much of a past either, but I know it's never going to get better. The thought that there is more coming if I don't kill myself is the worst thing in the world.
     
  4. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    Please share with us what makes you feel this way.

    We're here for you :console:
     
  5. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    what do you think would be a worthwhile past and future for you?

    *hugs*
     
  6. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    I grew up with a mentally ill sister and was almost never allow outside the house apart from school, and on the few occasions when I could it was with my sister. Now I don't know anything about how the most simple things work (like I've only been to resturants three times in my whole life for example) and have social phobia along with depression. I'm at university but am going to fail because I can't do the presentations. I can't get a job because no one will hire me because I act weird, because of the social phobia. I have panic attacks if I try to hang out with people or go to parties, so I don't have friends. I tried flatting earlier this year and threw up on the first night. Another flatmate did things I don't want to talk about, so now I'm back living at home. My parents have been divorced for a long time, but my dad lives here on and off anyway, because he's terminally ill. He'll probably die sometime next year. When he's living here, my parents don't get on.
     
  7. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    A worthwhile future would be one like my day dreams. I'd pass university and do poast-grad, and get a job I liked. Or any kind of job. And I'd live in a flat. And I'd have friends.
    But I've been daydreaming all my life, and it never comes true. I'm scared of everything, and more people have screwed me over then I can count.
    If I live, my future would be daydreaming of good things, while having nothing in reality.
     
  8. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    I had a similar situation to this. I was highly sheltered as well the way I pulled through was with my boyfriend (among some other actions like moving away from my mom with my dad), I'm 18 and didn't even have a bank account at all till he came along to teach me things.

    If you can make at least one friend who can walk you through things of life and to help you over come your phobia it will help your situation. And of course anyone here will be willing to help. It'll take time but this is definitely something you can over come :)

    Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything
     
  9. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    I can't imagine not being allowed out like that - I'm sorry that bad things have happened *hugs*

    you have done well to get to uni hun - I also have problems with social phobia and university turned into a difficult time, presentations being one of my biggest problems of all. I found people, my tutor and another lecturer who understood and helped me by NLP, practising with them and organising that I had alternative to some presentations and a compromise with the main one. Do you think there are are lecturers or ur tutor that could help you with this also?

    As for job, I still have problems, it doesn't go away no, but it isn't worth your life hun *hugs* finding someone you trust to help you through these things is the best way, whether thats a teacher, doctor, friend or family member.

    *hugs*
     
  10. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    I've had friends before, but they desert me. Or just forget. Relying on other people has gotten me no where. It just makes things worse, because then I get my hopes up that soemthing is going to change.
     
  11. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    At my university you need to have been assessed by a pyschologist to get acceptances, and to do that you need to phone people at the Health Centre and make an appointment to see someone. I've tried that a couple of times. The first time the person who was going to go with me (because I'm so scared) forgot and didn't turn up. The second time the appointment day got messed up. The third time they said they didn't have time to see me, so I couldn't make an appointment at all. Talking to people on the phone is one of the scarriest things in the world to me, and I'd rather die then try it a third time.
     
  12. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    Well, if having someone to lean on isn't an option you just need to find a way to motivate yourself!

    Think of something worth fighting for: like a career, having a family, etc. whatever it is you're after. And just try to little by little take steps to work toward that goal because you don't want this fear to overcome your life.

    My case may not have been as bad, but this did work for me. I was tired of holding myself back so i decided to do things outside of my comfort level a little at a time. Eventually it'll seem like nothing.

    Like I said though it takes time.
     
  13. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    talking to people on the phone is scary, especially when you probably haven't done it alot and you have these social phobias *hugs* I think you should keep trying, I know it may seem unending and pointless to you right now, but trust me you don't want to try and take your life. The feeling of dispair, fear and wanting to die can eat you up inside but when it actually comes down to it doing that is freaking scary too. The fact is that things have the possibility of improving while you're alive but after death they don't at all. I know its hard, I really do, you can find the strength tho. If I could I would come with you to that appointment, I really would, because I know how hard it is. Pease don't give up *hugs*
     
  14. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    I have before (like when I was flatting), but everytime, someone takes advantage of me, and I loose everything all over again.
     
  15. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    I can't. I tried going there and almost fainted. I can't breath when I think about it.
    There's a theory on the internet that mentally ill people aren't divinely punished for suicide, because who ever controls the world understands. If that's true, things would get a lot better in death.
    No headaches.
    No dizzyness.
    No sickness.
    No betrayals.
    No not being able to breath.
    No constantly knowing what you're missing out on.
    No fear.
     
  16. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    That may have been too big of a step for you. You said something bad happened which i assume you may not have known how to avoid it?

    You have to do gradual things like go to the mall or the grocery store by yourself (carry a cell with you just in case) or just hang out in public. Living away from home is much more difficult to be thrown into. Making phone calls was a big issue for me too but because of trade school i made the calls on my own to enroll and set up appointments. I eventually got used to making important calls.
     
  17. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    Small steps in a good idea, but they don't lead to big steps. And I'm still about to fail university. And the longer I live here, the more insane I get.
     
  18. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    When I was flatting, I trusted someone who I shouldn't have trusted. I lost so much, more then I knew I had. It's the amazing thing about life, it can always get worse.
     
  19. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    Well if you still feel things are too far from reach, there are ways to get the help you need. I would bring up the situation with a professor you think may understand. Try therapy, getting professional help may be what you need.

    You know I'm no professional, just here to try and help you to get on the right track :stars:
     
  20. Crayon

    Crayon Member

    I wish I was brave enough to kill myself. But I', not even brave enough for that. I'm stuck in the middle, and I can't go either way.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.