I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Arthur, Nov 3, 2010.

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  1. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    I'm at work when i'm writing this.
    I've been thinking about suicide a lot and it has become an obsession now.
    I'm thinking about xxx, although the idea of doing so seems very morbid to me, but i feel like i have no way out.
    It's not easy to get xxx where i live, if i had xxxi wouldn't be here anymore.
    I'm drinking a lot these days, every evening almost, some days i'm trying to quit and go cold turkey but that makes me feel just worse.
    Anyway, drunk or not i can't sleep and my mind is being controlled by suicidal thoughts.
    I live alone, i've always been lonely a lot for the last 7 years.
    I hate my job, i hate my life, and everything about me makes me sick.
    I tried everything, from eastern philosophy to new age books to help me find a way to stay positive about life, but it doesn't take long before i fall back into depression.
    Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
    I'm very scared about the pain i'll have to endure before i die xcxxx, i'm scared of failing to kill myself and survive the attempt, having to live with severe injuries or irreparable braindamage.
    I can't go on drinking after work, i cant go on with this life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So sorry you are feeling this way...I am sure there are so many ppl here who can relate...do you want to talk about what has gotten you to this point...sometimes sharing this, helps a person to feel less alone...J
  3. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    well, you don't have to be alone, if that is the only reason.
  4. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Please stay with us and talk to us, were here to make you feel not alone.

    Have you tried any form of medication or help?
  5. Moon_Penguin

    Moon_Penguin Penguin astronaut extraordinaire

    i know how you feel, and i know how hard it is right now, but you have to be strong for the people who care about you.
    im always hear to listen if you want to talk to me, im only a pm away :) xx
  6. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i understand how you feel art. im alone and tired of it. its crushing. every day i hope will be my last.
  7. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    Arthur buddy, i want you to live! :)
  8. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    i feel worse every minute, every day
    I'm scared, confused and i wish i could be over those feelings and just end my life
    i have no strength left
  9. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    i'm taking a med called solian, it's antipsychotic, neuroleptic drug
    it helps a bit but it's not enough
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Arthur, are you the same that was on chat with me one day. If so you made me laugh so hard, please dont do this.

    Can I ask what have you done to try and better yourself, drinking and self medicating is not working for you, do you think you could get a doc appt today?

    Can you invite someone over so you dont have to be alone tonight?
  11. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    I could ask my therapist to put me 2 weeks in a hospital, but i'm not sure that will help.
    Me, my job and my life are doing bad.
    In the words of Peter Steele :"i don't want to be me anymore"
    I wish i had strength left to be motivated, but i'm getting up every morning to go to work and i ask myself why go on with this life.
  12. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Arthur hunni you are so precious, I don't want to lose you. Is there someone you can call to get you through the night and then talk to your therapist later.

    I understand your thoughts and they are hard to combat. But you can do it. I believe you can.

    Maybe the hospital isn't a bad idea. You could get your meds adjusted and get thoroughly assessed. Just a thought.

    Please know that there are ppl who care for you here, me being one of them. I'll talk anytime, you can pm me in chat or forum pm if you like.

  13. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    Arthur, you're a great guy! Do the 2 weeks in hospital if your therapist thinks it will help. Do anything you can do get outta this depression.
  14. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I agree with above, maybe a change in meds would help. What does your therapist recommend? Do you think 2 weeks in hospital would make any differance, if so then why not give it a try?

    Anytime you want to talk, Im here for you.
  15. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    Thanks Angie, lollipop and doityourself, thanks for your support!
    I'm also seriously thinking to propose my therapist two weeks of internation in a psychiatric hospital, i'm seeing my therapist next monday.

    At least when i'm internated i won't be able to consume any more alcohol.
  16. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I wish you all the luck, Arthur.

    Can you cut back on the alcohol now? You know as I do to that its a depressants, brings on the bad feelings and makes you feel even worse the next day.

    Let us know how it goes.
  17. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    Two weeks ago i took 25 sleeping pills on a friday morning, it was the 12th november, i woke up 24 hours later.
    I was kind of dissapointed i was still alive.
    I threw up just after getting up, i got dry heaves afterwards and the hiccup.
    Afterwards i told my therapist about this attempt and she told me that the overdose of pills i took may have damaged my liver and brain.
    Life is a severe burden for me, cause i'm not good at any thing, every thought i have relates to sadness and despair.
    The recurrent nightmares i have are always the same, i dream about my alcoholic parents fighting, the miserable apartments we used to live in.
    Although i had a horrible youth, those were much better days then what i'm going through now.
    I'm lonely, at work my colleagues hate my guts, i lost all my friends,
    my mother is paralyzed and demented, from having thrombosis, epileptic seizures and strokes.
    I lost the lust for life a while ago, i've been depressed my whole life, i'm schizophrenic and i have agoraphobia.
    I'm too much of a coward to take my own life, but i'm obsessed with my own death, i can't wait for it to happen.
    Lonelyness, despaire and the incessant resentment people have towards me are the only things i endure every day, i deserve to die and death will be such relief.
  18. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    think carefully about the nut ward. von went there for 5 days and it made him worse. if you go make sure its the right thing to do. i have thought about it but i have no money so its not an option. death is the only thing thats free in life.
  19. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    I changed my mind about going to a psychiatric ward.
    But i really hoped i could get antidepressants prescribed.
    Unfortunately my therapist refuses to prescribe them cause she thinks they might bring out my anxiety.
    Life is a curse, and death is the only thing that's free indeed John.
  20. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Arthur so sorry to see you down.

    Can you change the direction of your thoughts, when these thoughts come to mind can you turn them around and say why would I do that? What is it going to change? What will it solve? What if I do die and I wake up in all eternity and its still the same?

    Why does your work collegues hate you so much?

    Its a shame that you dont like your doc, is there anyway to change, ask for someone else? (Im sure these questions were already asked)

    How do you deal now, are you on anything, are you self medicating?

    PM anytime, Im here if you want to talk. Hugs
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