I'm at work when i'm writing this. I've been thinking about suicide a lot and it has become an obsession now. I'm thinking about xxx, although the idea of doing so seems very morbid to me, but i feel like i have no way out. It's not easy to get xxx where i live, if i had xxxi wouldn't be here anymore. I'm drinking a lot these days, every evening almost, some days i'm trying to quit and go cold turkey but that makes me feel just worse. Anyway, drunk or not i can't sleep and my mind is being controlled by suicidal thoughts. I live alone, i've always been lonely a lot for the last 7 years. I hate my job, i hate my life, and everything about me makes me sick. I tried everything, from eastern philosophy to new age books to help me find a way to stay positive about life, but it doesn't take long before i fall back into depression. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I'm very scared about the pain i'll have to endure before i die xcxxx, i'm scared of failing to kill myself and survive the attempt, having to live with severe injuries or irreparable braindamage. I can't go on drinking after work, i cant go on with this life.