I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pooky, Feb 11, 2011.

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  1. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    who am i?

    A boy aged 22 diagnosed with schizophrenia at 16 yrs of age.:sadyes:(i will sound incoherent and illogical so please pardon me).I take my medication everyday (and as a result also have developed dyskinesia)without fail.I go out everyday(i study in college)
    (dont be rude to me)

    Why do i want 2 die?

    1. My mom is no more due to cancer (2 yrs ago)

    2. My dad dosent live with me due to his career. (i am currently living alone)

    3. Nobody cares 4 me. They ask me to do favors and i do it most of the time but when i ask any of them 2 do something 4 me they either say i will do it later (n forget about it) or straightaway say no...

    4. Nearly all of them make fun of me. "He is a complete mad"(my peers say it) , "He is completely useless" (my father said it to me). They look at me as if the illness is my fault, as if it is my intentional willful fault(i wonder if u get what i am trying to say)

    5. There is this girl in my peer group , lets call her Amy. I love her a lot , (only less than my parents) but it is an unrequited love - a one sided love. She dosent even talk to me , calls me a maniac, a madman.

    I am too scared n nervous to say that i love her more than anyone else in this world . My peer group is quite large n i know that she will reject me.

    Yesterday i tried to harm self with scissors (i am such a coward - i could have tried with blade so by this time i would be dead now) and now i am thinking of ending my life.

    There is no point 4 me 2 live in this planet. No supportive friends or relatives , no Amy , a non supporting father...

    This thread will end soon (cause i am going to die )
    I ran away from my house 6 yrs ago, loitering naked in streets . I tried to end my life but failed.

    I have my own vices (i experienced my 1st mas******** at age 14.I am such a pervert )I am a sinner . Please forgive me all of u.

    I don't care if u ban me from this forum (for i am going to end my life soon)...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i am glad you are reaching out hear you are a normal person just like all of us my daughter has schizophrenia she is not mad she is going to go to school too and become whatever she wants. You can become whatever you want too
    no one will ban you unless you break the rules you can keep talking okay people understand here and care for each other here hugs to you okay
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey pooky..you are not a pervert..just a normal growing boy / man..
    I found your writing to be coherent and logical..you have expressed yourself well..
    I'm sorry you have schizophrenia but it's a positive that you are taking your medication ...it's not your fault that you have a mental illness...no different to having any other physical illness..if only people would get that ..
    have you told your doctor how you are feeling? maybe a meds adjustment is required..
    I recommend trying to find some new friends who will appreciate you ...are there groups at your school you could join to meet new people?
    I hope you'll keep reaching out for support..
    we're here for you...*hug*
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey Pooky
    I am glad you posted here. You sould like a good guy. I am sorry that people judge you. Here's one thing to consider, if you already have not. I bet that not one of those people in your peer group are strong enough to deal with all you have had to handle. I have a feeling you are stronger than any in your peer group. And yet, you find a way to coherently ( yes, you are very coherent) express your feelings.

    I met someone here who also is shcizophrenic. You are not alone. But irl, I sure believe that you have been. Living with those voices is soo hard. and it takes a strong person to do it. You have been doing it.. Now maybe you will be able to, online, find others who live with Schizophrenia. Do you think so?

    Anyway, I am very glad you are here. And I am sorry things have been so challenging. Please hang on. Please keep going. Please make a resolve to find people online who are living with schizophrenia. A support group of people you can talk to. And please, please continue to post here !!!!! :hug:
  5. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    thank you total eclipse, iv2010, flowers for ur replies:angel:

    I am feeling a little better now ...
    The suicidal tendency or thought is going away...but still feeling empty right now.
  6. You can try the chat room if you feel like talking to somebody.. Take care.. :hug:
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are feeling a little better hugs to you
  8. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Wow, you certainly don't sound incoherant. You made a lot of sense to me. :hug: I'll just say this - masturabting is not a sin, nor does it make you a pervert.

    I'm glad that you are feeling a little better now.
  9. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    From time to time ppl have told such things 2 me ,"So, he is going to live alone 4 the rest of his life?" n such words hurts me.

    <Mod edit:Inmemoryofyou:privacy>

    The above is the pic of the girl whom i love a lot

    My problem is that i am extremely shy to talk to her but i love n admire her more than anyone else

    (She is in my peer group and she has been regularly attending college since a month)After seeing her and a bit of chit-chat (like where she lives,her name) i am in love with her ......
    n one more thing i only think about her which although has stated hampering my life (like 2 day ago i tried to harm myself with scissors) for i know that if i tell her that i love her she would absolutely reject me.

    But on the +ve side i have stopped masturbating 4 about a week.:hamster:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2011
  10. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    Am i irritating u ppl (friends always say that i am annoying and irritating)

    If yes then i will stop posting
  11. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Im also suffering from schizophrenia and it sucks dick all the way I knew that the first day they told me. People are mistaking you for being that crazy old lady who has nothing but cats and is hated by all the kids in the neighborhood.. That is going to stoop, it will be no bath in the fountain and NO cops No more, we are not crazy, there's no understanding in such diagnosis(=crazy old lady?).
    I lives in a small town where everybody knows, also hates/loves, everybody, everyone has a notice for whos insane or not, lets make fun of her!

    Seriously, I wanna die with a tons of schizos.D Ther's no life for me anyway, but you have at least you mother, dad by your side, here, everyone IS CRAZY, I dont wanna be like that, RUN!!!!Be free and make your own society.
  12. house_atraides

    house_atraides Active Member

    I wish I could meet you in person and help you. All I can say is that I do care and I can relate in some way.
  13. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    Just had my dinner in the morning at 6:00 AM.I felt asleep with the lights on..:robin:

    My whole life has been a total mess. I forget things easily. I can't find any words to write.I am always bored and lack all kinds of motivation. I am plain and simple lazy.

    My dad sold away my car some months ago(why did he sell it : so that i don't become more lazy) and now i have to take public transport to travel.They are most of the time very crowded and everyday i spend at least 1 hr and more on the crowded public transport n to be honest i hate crowds more than anything else.:horse:

    Anyway i will keep in touch
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Pooky, your dad sold your car so you would not be so lazy? That says a lot about who your dad is. I am very sorry. Really sorry. Again, you make lots of sense. you are very coherent. And you seem like a very nice guy. But I am sorry you have a dad who treats you as he does. Please keep posting here. And I agree with the person who suggested going also to the chat area, if you feel comfortable enough doing that.:hugtackles:
  15. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    Thank you all for ur replies...
    It is making me feel better
    Yes yesterday i went to the chat room n it was pretty fun over there.There were ppl of diverse ages over there from all over the world (UK,NZ..)It was fun:trolls:
  16. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    I have made up my mind to take my own life.


    Today (before 6/7 hours ago) i sent a couple of friends text messages and they haven't replied yet again.This is nothing new to me.My peers and the ppl in general(with the exception of some of u here on SF) nobody really takes me into account- they think i am mad,useless,an idiot(n i think they r right cuz i am schizophrenic,living alone,just thinking about myself).Tomorrow they are going to enjoy their lives with friends , money, family, sweethearts, and everything else and they will reject me like in the past...(yes its true)

    For eg, few yrs ago three of my peers went in the same car along with the driver and i was left behind(My house lies in the same route and they know that) only to see them enjoying as the car left.:sad:

    I have<Mod Edit:Inmemoryofyou:methods>(I am very lonely..i have always been very lonely ...I cannot take the pain any more)

    I used to believe in a God but after my mommy passed away i no longer believe in him.

    Love u everyone (specially my mommy, dad, Amy, my so called peers, and for some of u who cares for me) :thatsit:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2011
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Pooky, welcome to the forum. I deleted Amy's pic for her privacy and also edited out some methods(discussion of methods isn't allowed on the forum).
    I hope you are feeling better today x
  18. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    I am still alive...
    After i logged out of this forum n went offline i felt restless wanting to end my life, however i did not have the guts and the means to do so.(i had tried many times to kill myself before only to fail in the last moment).I was crying and crying , i could not even sleep but finally slept for about an hour.

    One of the cases were once i wanted to end my life so i came in front of a car .The car actually hit my left hand (i had moved away at the last moment) with so much tremendous force like a juggernaut that at the moment when it hit my left hand i felt as if my hand was gone, as if i am experiencing the most tremendous pain of all but after it moved away i felt no pain.This is to say that it hit me extremely hard so hard that i reached the extreme point of pain and therefore did not feel any pain at all after the incident.

    (moderators i think i did something wrong in writing these please edit my post as necessary)

    So to kill myself (specially for others) is not a huge issue for me.
  19. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    I have taken my medications.

    However still not feeling sleepy(though none on the medications are for sleep)

    I want to share a couple of true bizarre incidents that happened in my life.

    1. This happened five yrs ago. I returned home from my ophthalmologist(eye specialist) .I was stressed a lot for a lot was going on with me at that time (much more than the present day). I was having eye problems , migraines and so on. I wear glasses.That day after returning home, I just kept my glasses on the bed. As said earlier i was stressed at that time.Then suddenly i saw the glasses began to move on their own!It was kept in the bed and as i was moving my head in the right side horizontal way the glasses reacted/behaved the same.At that moment i felt a tremendous amount of cold energy around me! The incident lasted for about 7-8 seconds.

    (At that time i was 17. I used to believe in a God)

    2.The next incident happened around that same time and is perhaps the most bizarre incident that can happen to anyone's life.

    That morning (i still remember the date how can i forget 24th july,2006) i got up from bed ,brushed my teeth, had some food and so on n then switched on the pc to surf the net.I was surfing an informative site and was having a tremendous headache when i saw that there was an exact face of me in that site...the face was looking sad , stressed out. It was pure red in color.I was shocked to see that.(That thing was on the left bottom of that site and probably did looked like to be two dimensional).I immediately witched on to another site.

    Was it some form of hallucination?I don't think so.

    Upon further research on the net and posting on various forums about it i have come to the conclusion that it could be only one thing - a forum of 'tulpa'(or thought form)

    A little about 'Tulpa" --

    The word Tulpa is from the Tibetan language and refers to any entity that attains reality solely by the act of imagination. The entity is created entirely within the confines of ones own mind, not drawn out, written down or even verbally described.

    If its creator wishes, this "Tulpa Creation" may become physical reality through intense concentration and visualization. However, care must be taken to only bring to reality what is beneficial to the world, lest it's destruction becomes more problematic than its creation

    At that time i was on high medications and i could deeply concentrate and visualize so its likely that i created some form of tulpa.

    Many other odd things have happed in my life that i will share later...

    Am i a strong individual ?

    I rate myself 1.5/5 (i am not that strong. real strong ppl are the soldiers fighting for us and the ppl suffering from cancer and such other physical illnesses) I am just speaking my heart out. Thanks for reading.
  20. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    I am a disheartened fellow. No really really loves me in real life.


    1. I went to my university , Amy was there she did not even speak a single word to me.

    2.I talked to one of my family members for a headphone(i said i wanted to buy one).They simply said later.(A headphone is cheap how much time can one take to make a decision and say later)

    3. I need a bank draft of 200 bucks (cash won't do) and there is no one to help me. (I told them hell i don't know what it is and they my peers replied by saying."Its not my fault".)

    U people decide are any of these my own fault?

    I am feeling completely restless now,feeling like a looser.

    If God asked me what is ur wish at this moment , I would have replied to him something like "Give all the pain of a dying one to me and take my own life"

    I am a complete worthless fellow
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