I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaine, Mar 18, 2011.

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  1. Kaine

    Kaine Member

    I want to die. I want it to be over now. I cannot accept that this is my life.

    I first thought about dying when I was nine years old.

    Finally at age fourteen I took and overdose and tried to end my life. I got too scared and bottled out, got my Mother to take me to the hospital where they force fed me charcoal. And then that was it, no-one ever talked to me about it again.

    I decided to give myself a year to see if things would improve. I met my soulmate.

    Ten years later I find out he's fucked someone, about a month ago. A couple of months after had broken up but were still married. And it's the final straw for me.

    Since we broke I have not moved from this room. Three months of doing nothing. Not wanting to do anything. And I had this tiny spark of hope that he would come back to me and save me from all this. But he's fucked someone. It's over. I cannot deal. I cannot accept that.

    I am back to being that fourteen year old child. I do not want to live. I don't want it, I don't want it.

    And now it's harder because I'm very aware how badly I am going to fuck everyone's lives up. There are people who love me and they will be beyond repair if I kill myself.

    But I don't want to care. I want to die. Will someone please just let me die already.

    And I'm sat here conflicted knowing the ammount of damage I would do and not knowing how to reason that away. And I know that it isn't easy to kill yourself. I don't want to be found. I don't know where to go, what to do with my body. I don't know who I should write letters too, and how to find the strength to burn stuff I need to keep private.

    I really really want to die. I cannot have this life. The past is set in concrete and I cannot accept it. I can't live with this anymore.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i hear the pain i do but please holdon okay YOU CAN heal you can move forward find a differnt soul mate YOU need to reach out like you are doing here for some help thats all. Talk to a therapist get some coping skills deal with one day at a time okay. You would destroy the ones left behind you not only take your life but others with you. Now is the time to get help to let go of the pain YOu want to live you want to be here for the ones that love you so please talk to your doc get some help okay
     
  3. Kaine

    Kaine Member

    I haven't felt like this in such a long time. And I'm back at home living with my parents, and I still act like a teenager and I feigned illness while they went out.

    And I tried to kill myself. But I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't bear for them to find the body.

    And I cut myself for the first time in... five years. Because I don't care anymore, I want this to be over. I can't control my feelings.

    I want to end it so badly. I want to stop hurting.

    I cannot deal with it anymore. I can't cope.

    I ended up talking to my husband and telling him I wanted to die and he just.. he acted like he didn't care. Until he realised I was serious and then, and then he still couldn't do anything. He just said he felt helpless.

    And he's going out to a party his boss is throwing tonight and he might see that woman again. And I can't. My imagination is going to kill me.

    And I hate myself so much. I hate myself for going to him. I hate it. I can't live with myself anymore.

    I couldn't control myself. I was desperate. I told him how suicidal I felt.

    Why am I this person? Why does sex have to mean so much to me? Why can't I get over him? Why can't I live without him?

    I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be me anymore.

    I have seen counsellors, and they gave up on me, they told me I was too big of a case for them. I've been through CBT therapy and then while I was out of my country I had a mental breakdown that lasted six months.

    I came back and talked to my GP, I talked to two. The first one told me that there was nothing left for me to do but turn to God. It was as though he was saying there no help out there for me. And I'm an atheist so...

    And the second GP told me he didn't believe in ''labels'' so everything I was feeling would go undiagnosed and I was ''too high functioning'' to be able to see a psychiatrist. And he sent me away saying I should join a self help group.

    And I went home. And there were none. There aren't any groups here.

    And I have no money. I have no will to live. I do nothing every day.

    And I've snapped now. It's taken four months but I've snapped.

    I cannot live without my husband. I do not want to. I will not...

    I don't know what to do.

    I have made so many plans over the last 18 hours and I just want someone to tell me that I can go through with it. I just don't know what to do so that my parents won't find my body.
     
  4. Kaine

    Kaine Member

    And I e-mailed the samaritans out of desperation. And they've replied.

    They told me that taking my life was my own decision and that I must make the right decision for me.

    Have they just told me that maybe I should kill myself?

    Is there really NO hope for me?
     
  5. LincolnToon

    LincolnToon Member

    Kaine,

    Please don't focus on this as being your life. There is no need for you to do this, I promise.

    I cut myself so many times, to the point I was in hospital and got treated so badly by the surgeon! (bastard) They treat you so badly due to a lack of understanding.

    You do not need to continue with this, really. I can help you; I understand and will do what I can to help (mark.allen1@ntlworld.com). If not I, someone part of the forum my friend. :)
     
  6. Kaine

    Kaine Member

    I can't do anything that makes my family suspiscious.
    I have to plaster a fake smile on my face.
    I can't cut, I forced myself to stop so I would never be caught.

    I can't take the pressure anymore. Three people's lives are resting on me pretending to be fine.

    And I'm not fine.

    If I can't have my husband back I don't want to live.
     
  7. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I speak as a Samaritan in training,

    Samaritans believe in self-determination - we ask the questions to allow the person to answer...whatever decision they reach is their own.

    Now speaking as a Samaritan who is not of that organisation on this forum - I hope you can get through this - because you deserve better, you have been through such a lot...

    If you want to PM me feel free to do so - not as a Samaritan, but simply as a listener...

    My name is Chris - and I am here because I've been through the suicidal woods too...it is possible to emerge at the other side...
     
  8. Kaine

    Kaine Member

    Thank you. Maybe I'll take you up on that PM offer.

    I just found it strange they would talk like that, to me I really took it like ''you can kill yourself if you want to.''
     
  9. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I understand that viewpoint - it surprised me, both as a former caller and as a volunteer...I suppose it's something that is less advertised than it should be, and yet at the same time I suppose I understand why...

    My PM and MSN are on demand should you want to talk...
     
  10. Kaine

    Kaine Member

    It was just a bit of a shock. I'm fairly... liberal to the idea of people taking their lives because sometimes.. the life they return to is too much. But I wouldn't actively encourage it in anymore.

    But for them to say that to me... after this week a doctor has already told me the help I want doesn't exist and I won't get what I need.

    And then to meet a psychologist who told me the last five professionals I spoke to should have reffered me to a crisis team and didn't...

    I'm kind of fed up with people giving me the idea that there is no hope left for me.
     
  11. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Samaritans do not actively encourage suicide. They encourage freedom of choice, most times, talking it through with someone will make it clearer that they do not want to go through with it - I know this worked for me...
     
  12. Kaine

    Kaine Member

    I suppose that makes sense.

    Except when I wrote them I really really wanted to go through with it.

    So it felt like encouragement.
     
  13. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I can understand that...when we reach that place where suicide is preferable, we look for any kind of vindication for such a taboo act...
     
  14. Kaine

    Kaine Member

    I just know I can't do that to my family. And it makes everything hurt even harder. Because I reached my edge this afternoon and came very close.

    In the end one of my more sadistic personalities email the samaritans back asking them to give me an easy method if they weren't discouraging me.
     
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