Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by David S~, Sep 8, 2011.

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  1. David S~

    David S~ Well-Known Member

    My first time posting here and let me just say, I WISH I WAS DEAD!!

    My life is so bad none of you can imagine it. In fact, xxx could not help me in any way!!!!! Let me explain to you my extremely sad life in 23 bullets:

    1.) I have had a pilonidal cyst problem for three years straight and it is still a problem. I've had four separate surgeries on there and it still didn't close!! I kept treating it and everything but it just kept opening up!

    2.) My grades are slowly becoming F's. I study every single night and complete all my homework just to realize that I get a C or a D on a test, maybe even lower. While all the stupider kids (didn't mean to offend anyone) are getting higher grades than me

    3.) I have no true friends. All the friends I have either treat me badly, talk cr@p behind my back, or sometimes they would hang out with me one day, write down all of my responses to things, and they would use that against me (I've caught them doing that before)

    4.) I don't have many talents. I can't swim, I can't make music, I won't take apart a broken computer to discover the pieces inside, I won't do any of those stuff because I'm the most idiotic loser in the entire world and maybe even other worlds

    5.) People use ANYTHING to put me down in depression. If I post a status on Facebook saying my life sucks or "FML" then one of my "friends" types of "stop crying" and over 50 people click "like" on that comment

    6.) STUDENTS ONLY USE ME FOR MY EXPERTISE IN MATHEMATICS. I have been known to excel in math, so my "friends" ask for help and when I help them they don't even say thank you, and they don't respond to me after that, except when they need more help with something related to math

    7.) I've been called too many names. Fatty, Fat nerd, ugly piece of SH*t, desperate fat@$$, turd, more than u can imagine. No matter what they all say, any name immediately upsets me

    8.) I'm really really fat. Actually, I'm obese and currently on a diet, and some of the kids say "haha u can't lose weight u fat turd, go to mommy and suck milk from her brea$t$ saying 'mommie mommie! Milkie milkie!'' THAT has upset me the most.

    9.) I have an emotionally abusive father. Whenever I do something wrong or something accidentally or even something the way he doesn't want things to go, he starts to yell at me, sometimes yank on my ears, and rarely throw a few things of mine across the room so that they would break. I'm forced to go with him outside and if I say "No", then he will say "You are the most useless child a father can ever have" or something related to that

    10.) A few months ago, one bully has been cheating work in my computer class off of my computer. I didn't realize this and his paper was exactly like mine except he had his name on it. Now I have a permanent cheating record (THEY THINK I CHEATED), and I cant do anything about it. The kid moved to a different high school since he had too many bad records in my school, and my teacher that accused me of cheating probably threw away the work we did on our computers. He had his own document in his own computer! I tried telling my teacher about how I didn't cheat but instead he said "I don't have time for this and if you talk back to me, I'm going to reward you with a suspension and possibly an expulsion." So now I have a cheating record that i didn't do.

    11.) I've never had a girlfriend or even kissed or hugged a girl, no girl wants to ever talk to me, and if some of them get close they say "EWW?" and walk fast away from me, so there is no chance I'll ever have a gf or be with anyone

    12.) I realized a few days ago that me not reading books daily is very very bad for my mental thinking. I have a good enough vocabulary and can keep a conversation going, but I don't read books, unless I have to. I need someone to tell me something that will motivate me to read books.

    13.) My hope for becoming a lawyer is slowly fading. Since I keep thinking to myself "I'm just getting stupider by the schoolyear, why not just get a simple job and suffer?" and that leads to another reason why I should kill myself.

    14.) Whenever I get really angry or pissed at something, I immediately take my right or left hand, and bite it with all my force. Half of the times, blood gushes out but not too much, and that immediately makes me calm. Someone please tell me how to stop doing this

    15.) Since I'm bullied so much in school, one little insult can immediately hurt my feelings and then sometimes I just go somewhere quiet and cry my eyes out during lunch time, or if I get insulted through facebook I post a status about how my life sucks, I bite my arm really hard again, and then go cry as I wipe the blood from my arm

    16.) Since my dad is so overly emotionally abusive, when someone tries to pat my back or when someone give me a handshake, or even when they want to do a knuckle touch, i immediately back away, shaking from fear, and the nerves in my arm suddenly hold still for 2 seconds. That's partly why I don't have "true friends"

    17.) I get very very sick so easily! As soon as cold air is blown on me from a windy day or something, I immediately start to sneeze a few times, and then my throat starts to itch and I get a very heavy desire to just spit it all out. I don't know what's wrong with me, has God punished me? Is it an allergy to cold air? I doubt it

    18.) Most of the insults that the kids in my school say are true, and they took a wild guess saying that insult. They say I have a tiny * * * * , and it's true. They say I'm extremely ugly, and it's true to 90% of my friends, etc etc etc there are alot of insults they say that are true

    19.) While on my diet, for breakfast I just eat a plate of different healthy nuts, including raw peanuts, raw almonds, raw cashews, prunes, and sunflower seeds. The thing is I don't lose weight, I'm actually gaining 0.5 pounds each day. I don't eat dinners, and for lunch I have a small portion of chicken with rice, and a bowl of salad with olive oil on it. All those things prevent constipation and aren't fattening. They may have fat but it's the good type of fat that fights off bad fat. Even after all that, I gain pounds!!

    20.) My sister and my dad always harass my mom emotionally and there's nothing I can do about it. When I go up to my dad and sister, I yell at them, instead they just laugh and push me really hard so that I fall face-first to the ground. My mom is the only one I trust and I'm the only one she trusts

    21.) I'm also not the type of person to take revenge, which means whenever someone insults me with something, or physically hurts me, they get away with it. No I will not change who I am because it won't matter anymore

    22.) Whenever I talk to a school psychiatrist, they just explain to me my problems, they don't bother telling me how to solve them, and then tell me "I hope everything works out for you". Yeah, no that will not happen

    23.) Whenever a kid bullies me, and I retaliate, and we both get in trouble, the assistant principal always takes his side and I get punished, when he was the first person to insult me. I was just using self-defense...

    You think after all of this you can say I shouldn't kill myself?

    EDIT: Today...I failed two tests that I took even though I've STUDIED for them...I got teased at for my grades on the tests and people called me a dumbass'...I am a sophomore, with a worse grade than a freshman in my same algebra 2 class...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2011
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi David. I'm writing this to let you know that I read your posts. Also, I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you. ~ Take care, Alex
  3. anne1122

    anne1122 Active Member

    hi. read your message, I have a similar problem with facebook. Dont post on there. I have a friend who does nothing but put snotty comments up. What really hurts is that he was an old love interest, my first kiss actually. So, I did myself a favor and hide all my comments from him. I suggest the same. Take care of yourself, you are not stupid. I feel stupid too but I know its the depression talking. I walked pass the mirror last night and yelled at myself. I called myself stupid, worthless and a fat idiot. I let it all out. Went to bed not wanting to wake up. I felt sick today and instead of doing something, I did nothignm, hoping this was my way out. Sorry im rambling, just know I can relate.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you need to talk to someone a professional talk to someone at your school you trust hun a councillor let then know how youare feeling okay Let then know how much pain you are in I am sorry that noone see how much sadness is inside you Make them see hun please talk to a crisis line a teacher a coucillor but talk hun hugs
  5. David S~

    David S~ Well-Known Member

    @total eclipse: I want toooo I really want too!!! My councelors are always busy whenever I'm free to talk to them and they are free whenever I'm busy!!! There's no one to talk to!

    Instead, I just bottle my anger up inside and let it grow and grow...I can't get rid of it by punching my pillow for example because I've done that a few times and my family thinks I'm crazy now

    I just want to take something, a knife, and jab it repeatedly! I want to do that to myself but I just want a quick painless death out of this hellhole people call Earth.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    reading your post made me sad and angry David...
    sad for the way you're being treated and so angry at the 'bullies' in your life

    I'm gonna say 'don't kill yourself' over these people
    if you die -they win

    I can hear how much pain you're in but you don't deserve to die

    it's no wonder your grades are suffering with the pressure you're under
    anyone in your position would be feeling the same
    You said you can trust your Mum...does she know whats happening at school?
    I suggest talking to her about how bad things are for you and let her help..
    can you go back to the school counselor and ask for more help..is there someone they can recommend you talk to on a regular basis?
    the school should be taking a stronger approach to those bullies
    please talk with your GP for help with your depression/anxiety and weight/diet issues asap
    and CBT could also be helpful for you-

    I agree with annes suggestions about farcebook (facebook :))
    it's a well known fact that facebook is the perfect place for bullies.
    block those so-called friends who 'attack' you there or maybe start a new account with only the people you trust as 'friends'

    whatever you do David...don't give up ok
    you don't deserve to be treated that way at school or at home

    know we're here for you and I hope you'll stay around and get to know us..
    you are an important person :arms:
  7. David S~

    David S~ Well-Known Member

    My mom says that if I talk like that to other people I will be considered psycho...she doesn't want to hear about my problems

    and yes I've blocked the people that were insulting me on facebook...but now it feels so lonely and I only have one friend I can chat with everyone else doesn't notice me

    INFACT, a new ninth grader that came to my school is more popular than I am...not that I care about popularity but its just that I feel hated on PURPOSE you know?

    I will give up one way or the other...forcefully or by will...heart attack from too much stress or suicide
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh hun these people don't give them any power hun I know what you are feeling i am feeling the same i want so badly to leave this place i to want to harm me but that is not the answer hun You need to talk to someone You call a crisis line now and talk to someone okay a real voice helps hun to calm you
    i have called crisis many time hun and they have help my mind calm down
    please reach out to someone okay a crisis line a teacher anyone but talk
    i am tired tonight like you i am fighting the same battle hun perhaps together we can stay strong okay
    I know life can get so cruel i am feeling it tonight We can't let the ones that harm us win hun You call the crisis line okay call the hospital you talk to someone that will listen to you.
    If your parents won't listen then you call hospital and get crisis team to listen
    You can make friends here hun okay stay here awhile you will see how caring everyone is hugs
  9. David S~

    David S~ Well-Known Member

    If you feel the same way...what makes you prevent yourself from hurting yourself? And also, when I call crisis line, will they ask anything about my personal information or anything like that because if they do that then i can't because I'm only a child...
  10. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Oh my gosh, this is possibly the most horrible thing I've ever read. It made me really angry and sad. David, I hope you know that you can always, always come to this forum whenever you are feeling down. I know that it might not look like much since it could never replace real human interaction but I know, on some level, it will help. Also, the adults in your life don't seem to be very helpful at all. Maybe you could really look for someone who is willing to help you out? Someone who you can really talk to and who won't just brush you off like your school psychiatrists.

    I know my experiences aren't as bad as yours, but I can sort of identify with your situation. I used to be overweight as well (now I go to the gym regularly so I've gotten to a healthier weight--physical exercise helps with bad feelings, too; maybe you could hit two birds with one stone on this one?) and my family and relatives would often tease me about it, so much that sometimes I just wished I would die or get anorexic and have to be taken to the hospital just to show them how much they were hurting me. I always used to tell myself that looks didn't matter and I still do believe that, but it became difficult to keep being strong when my mother would get angry at me about my low grades in school and yell at me and call me stupid and ugly. I've never been able to let that go, and I'm not sure I ever will. "How could a mother talk to a child she loves that way ever?" I would always think.

    I would like to say that things eventually get better, but I can't promise that. As for your diet, I think you should be eating more. I know it may sound like the wrong way to go, but it worked for me. I used to eat only about 600kcal a day and that wasn't enough so my metabolism slowed down so whenever I would eat more than usual, I couldn't burn it off fast enough and that led to weight gain. Many nutritionists say that you should eat 5-6 small meals a day, and that really worked for me, and I think it'll work for you, too. I'm sorry I can't help you in a more specific or detailed way, but just know you can always come here or PM me or anyone else who offers.

    Take care.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hi hun i stop myself by distracting my self somehow i turn on music i get a bath i go for a walk i call crisis line and i talk until i am calmed down
    The will ask you for your name hun here they do you can give them your first name only just tell them how upset you are and how bad your hurting hun
    They will talk to you they care.
  12. David S~

    David S~ Well-Known Member

    Omg, someone who finally understands my pain. I'm so sorry for your family who treated you like that...they should seriously get a life. Also, I lose weight but, I regain all of my weight that I've lost despite the fact that I am still trying to eat healthy.

    Whenever my dad cooks he puts so much fat, even though I tell him "Don't put fat! I'm trying to lose weight and you need to lower your cholesterol!" and he doesn't listen. I keep telling him I won't eat it but he finishes cooking the food anyway...it's like he doesn't listen to me. And when it comes time to sit at the table and eat, I tell him "I won't eat this because it has a huge amount of melted butter in it, yeah, I saw you put that in there." and he starts getting mad...CRAZY mad...

    As for physical exercise, I can't do it because I have a pilonidal cyst like I mentioned in my first post, it's been there for years and still bleeds a little bit. It hurts alot when I exercise and sometimes just bursts blood...that's why I've been out of P.E. since middle school. It closes up but then opens again, every single time. And the spot it opens gets deeper and deeper inside my you know what...

    I can do only upper body exercise, such as only in my arms but that won't do any good. I can't build muscle as long as I have a bunch of excess fat, and if I did build muscle that would only make me look fatter and my weight would go up a bunch more. Also I have no motivation when I try to do exercise in my arms. I start thinking "Why am I doing this? There's no one I'm doing it for...whatever it doesn't matter anyway, my life sucks and can't get any better, so why try?" and then I step away from the dumbells...

    @total eclipse: Thanks but I'm not good with talking with people :( plus I'm very shy when talking on the phone or talking face to face. Like I've mentioned, I would say "it doesn't matter anyway, why be shy? there's no one to be shy for. my life sucks and can't get any better, so why try?" and then I will probably just drop the phone and completely ignore it :(
  13. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    "I want toooo I really want too!!! My councelors are always busy whenever I'm free to talk to them and they are free whenever I'm busy!!!"

    It is time to get an appointment. Counselors can call you out of class for appointments. They can't always be busy.
  14. David S~

    David S~ Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure councelors at my school will do that...but I'll give it a go. Right now it's the weekend, hopefully I can relax a bit :/..
  15. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry your father isn't more supportive about your efforts to improve your health. Are you given an allowance? Maybe you could buy your food from outside instead of eating at home so that you can choose healthier foods that you prefer.

    About the exercise, I know how discouraging it can be when we look at ourselves in the mirror after weeks of working out and seeing no difference, but believe me, if you keep at it--and I mean really keep at it--it'll make a world of difference. Even if it's just your upper body, exercise is still exercise. I shed 30 pounds in 4 months and what I did was just not think about it. I just did the work outs, I didn't worry about whether it was working or not. I just did them. And they worked in the end. Just keep telling yourself that you're doing it for you and you'll be happier for it because you know you know how to take care of yourself and you're not doing it simply because other people tell you you're overweight.
  16. depressedkitty

    depressedkitty Active Member

    You say you don't want to add muscle as it adds more wieght? But muscle helps burn fat and calories even at rest and will boost up your metabolism too. If you lose muscle mass your metabolism will slow down and can't eat as many calories as when you had the high muscle mass.

    Also try and cut down on the nuts even though they have good fats they are HUGE in calories. if you have a big bowl of nuts and seeds you could be having over 900 calories easily. Have wholegrains instead like porridge or weet bix with fruit. it fills you up and much lower in calories :)

    Good Luck ;)
  17. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    This is true. Very very true. Keep at it! :)
  18. David S~

    David S~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys...I'll try to cut down on the nuts & seeds...is it really true that muscle helps burn fat and increase metabolism?? I can do a two birds one stone with this one...that could be my motivation in exercising daily! Yeah! :D ty

    That solves my weight problem...how can I solve my other problems at school? (as in the kids torturing me and bringing alot of stress) People have told me to not think about others and just think about myself...that apparently does not work for me, I try and try to ignore them but I just can't. It's never ending. I heard that in college people are more mature than in high school...is that true or just a lie? I'm really looking forward to finding friends who are mature :l
  19. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I looked up pilondial (I spelled it right when I did that and it said it pertains to a hairy cyst. Have you seen a doctor about this? Cysts can be removed. Also exercise to lose weight doesn't have to be vigorous. Just walking at least 3 to 5 days a week can help. It also can help with mood.
  20. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Yes, David. In my experience, my college friends are much, much more mature than my high school friends. It's only logical, now that I think about it because we all mature and even though they're the same people, they change and become more accepting I think. But I'm still close to my high school friends as well since I've known them longer. Don't be discouraged when people seem to not want to be with you. It's their loss; they are the ones who turn away without even getting to know you, so it's their fault, not yours. Just wait till college. I can't be sure that it'll be different, but it should be. It was only in college that I found friends whom I could talk to about my more serious problems like depression, self-injury, and suicidal ideations. And supposedly the psychologists in college should be better at treating their students. College is a whole other world where you feel more free, as long as you're doing what you want to do. I hope you do go into a course that you enjoy, by the way.

    Also, you could try out sort of fun exercises so you don't get bored or discouraged while working out. Sometimes simply playing music works for me. I'll just be in my room, working out to rock music or something. It's a good motivator. You should find something you can do while working out, too, so that you don't think about it so much. Maybe you could watch TV while doing it--lots of people do that.
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