I OD'd just over a month ago. I ended up regretting it and ended up at the hospital. Despite taking about 70 pills, I suffered no long-term effects because of the weird combination I took - I had high levels of different pills in me, but not high enough of any of them, apparently. Anyway, it was the most humiliating moment of my life. I disappointed and upset so many people. I know if I try again, and fail again, people's reaction's won't be of sadness, they're be of annoyance. And then they'll turn against me. Nobody expects anything of me as it is, and so if I do it again only to survive they'll think NOTHING of me, expect NOTHING. I'll be a lost cause. And suicide will have become a 'thing' with me. And I'll screw my life up even more. So I still want to kill myself. But I don't want to survive. I want to overdose a HUGE amount of a certain pill, the pill that even if I do survive the overdose, it'll damage my organs and kill me some time down the road anyway. But I'm worried I'll end up panicking and calling myself an ambulance. I'm scared of the physical pain.. the feeling of my body dying. I want to just sleep and never wake up. So.. yeah. I want to OD again, but this time with fatal pills. While I want to do it, I'm worried about surviving. I can't bear to go through all that again.