I want to do it again. This time properly.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Jan 4, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I OD'd just over a month ago. I ended up regretting it and ended up at the hospital. Despite taking about 70 pills, I suffered no long-term effects because of the weird combination I took - I had high levels of different pills in me, but not high enough of any of them, apparently.

    Anyway, it was the most humiliating moment of my life. I disappointed and upset so many people. I know if I try again, and fail again, people's reaction's won't be of sadness, they're be of annoyance. And then they'll turn against me. Nobody expects anything of me as it is, and so if I do it again only to survive they'll think NOTHING of me, expect NOTHING. I'll be a lost cause. And suicide will have become a 'thing' with me. And I'll screw my life up even more.

    So I still want to kill myself. But I don't want to survive. I want to overdose a HUGE amount of a certain pill, the pill that even if I do survive the overdose, it'll damage my organs and kill me some time down the road anyway. But I'm worried I'll end up panicking and calling myself an ambulance. I'm scared of the physical pain.. the feeling of my body dying. I want to just sleep and never wake up.

    So.. yeah. I want to OD again, but this time with fatal pills. While I want to do it, I'm worried about surviving. I can't bear to go through all that again.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun don't do it i have seen the pain it causes whenone damages their organs it is not nice hun Please just go in and get some help you need to stop these thoughts okay to get out of the darkness hugs
  3. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    dont do it. There are other methods to dealing with life's problems. Killing oneself is the worst option. Just forget about suicide. Learn how to cope with problems and live. good luck.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi pogosticker,

    While I do not know you or your family and friends, I think your loved ones likely recognize that, ultimately, you are suffering greatly in pain....for it sounds like they genuinely care about you, from how upset and disappointed they were when you overdosed. They want to see you start healing....like, for my parents, any signs of my progress help restore their belief in hope for my getting better. You are struggling right now, like all of us do at times, and could use some support. Since you mentioned how you feel unsafe, what do you think about checking into a hospital and elaborating your feelings to the people there? I wish you the best, and please stay safe. :hug:

  5. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Just want to thank you guys for the supportive words. :)

    I'm still here and a lot happier now, so obviously I'm glad I didn't do anything. Hope others here, at least those who get caught up in a depression and don't think clearly, realise that suicide isn't the only option, nor is it the best (far from it.)
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are still here hun and your depression has lifted Thanks for letting us know hugs
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.