I want to do it, but I don't want to mess things up.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Mar 18, 2012.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Basically, I've had depression for years. Things were actually bad back then, but over the last few months things have been so much better in my life. I moved out of a hostile home environment, I've had a love-life, been volunteering and have a good opportunity to get into paid work with them, I've applied for college, I lost the weight that was making me miserable.

    But I still want to die. I OD'd at the end of last year. Got taken to hospital. My doctor was disappointed in me because I was making so much progress and things were so much better for me. Now they're even better than before. She's happy for me and what I've achieved.

    I want to kill myself, still. Truth be told, I'm not sure why. I just don't like living - even when things are good in my life. I just don't know what it'll take to make me truly happy. I want out. But if I fail, it'll screw up everything. Particularly the job-related stuff. I don't want to fail, but what if I do? There will be disappointment everywhere and I'll be back to square one. I remember how humiliating it was ending up in hospital last year.

    I just want to die. I don't need to talk about this, I want to do it.. but I'm just worried about failing and screwing things up again. I guess a part of me doesn't want to die, but I have this overwhelming urge to f-ck everything up.

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  2. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I have the urge to go through things as normal tomorrow, and then buy the thing I need to do it. My last attempt made me realise I do have it in me to end my life. I was literally shocked at how I managed to swallow all those pills - I never thought I had it in me. But I did it. Now, I know I can do what I need to do.
     
  3. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way. I don't attempt it for fear of failure. Recently, listening to Mozart's Piano Concertos help me a lot, especially the 2nd movements, the slow movements. They're serene, peaceful, well-balanced.... His music is very bright so it helps fighting depression. He wrote like 30 piano concertos spanning maybe 12 cds. So I tend to play it all day. Big thumbs up.
     
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Even when I have good moments, ultimately I still feel suicidal. You shouldn't be disappointed in yourself for having suicidal thoughts again. That's something that can be beyond your control. Maybe it doesn't mean much, but I hope you don't do it.
     
  5. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Thanks both.

    ^ That's true. I feel like I've snapped out of it this morning... a sign of that is that I feel like an idiot seeing the posts I made last night.

    Gonna try not to dwell on these thoughts now.. gonna get on with my day, doing things to keep my mind off of them. They're bound to come back.. but hopefully they go away for another long period.
     
  6. Davidtcasey

    Davidtcasey New Member

    I really know how you feel, though it's not so much wanting to die, more like stop living. I'm 50 now, and I'm sickened by it. I realized just a few minutes ago that maybe I didn't want to die. But I've cornered myself, deliberately because regardless of how I feel, I can see bar winning the lottery, nothing will change. ODing doesn't work unless you've got really good drugs. I went to Cambodia 5 years ago and tried to od. God I took <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, but that wouldn't work. I just fell asleep for a while. I'm thinking of falling on a knife at the moment, or jumping from a 7 story building, but I have my doubts whether it will work. I lack the courage to carry out the real act. Sure, anyone who looks from the outside will think my life is fine, I'm privileged, good job, all that crap, but I am so unhappy, have been so unhappy for so long. I remember when I was 9 and I was playing in the garage (this is in Melbourne, Australia), when I heard a voice tell me that I would never know happiness in this life, I would never know love. For years I thought it was a higher authority or something, but lately I've come to realize it was my central governing personality authority letting me know that because of my sexual preference and my desire to fit in, I would not be able to come out of the closet and life any sort of meaningful life. This has proven to be very true. I'm just sick of it all. I don't feel like I'm one of the over 7,000,000,000 people who do nothing but act like an invasive species on this planet. I can talk to animals, I can read people's minds, I have a very calmative effect on people, but I am really unhappy inside. And now I'm too old. Anyone who says otherwise is talking out their ass. In gay culture, youth is prized above all else, and I have squandered my life on drugs and now find there's nothing for me. Doesn't matter how intelligent one is, how much precious information one has, how you look is what counts. I had denied my sexual preference until I was 50, late last year. So I tried dating, and it was a fucking mess. So now I'm going to try and die. I hope it works. It better.
     
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