i want to do it,now..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by withoutexit, Apr 16, 2010.

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  1. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    i want to jump from that window,i don't think i could survive the fall..
    and i don't want to survive it..
    the only think that stops me is my family and my 2 best friends.. i know they love me,i know they'll suffer if i do it..
    but i can't stand it.. they'll get over the pain, i know i'll make them suffer and cry but i'm sure they'll get over my death..
    while i can't get over all this pain and just live.. i can't..
    i want to write them a letter,one to each of them, to let them know that i love them too and that it's not their fault at all.. i already know what to write..
    i just have to do it, get over the sense of shame for being so selfish and do it..
    cause i feel very selfish, a real bitch for making them all this..
    i'm a real monster..
    but i feel like the urge to do it..
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    First of please please do not jump! You are right your death would cause unbelievable pain to your loved ones regardless of a letter or not.

    As far as your pain that you speak of can you share more about that? For one it helps to get all those dark thoughts out of your head, they seems to grow larger than life when held in too. In addition I am sure on one level or another each of us can relate and understand what your going through as we too "have been there". Did it help at all posted this? My guess is it was relief so keep posting so we may reach out and support you. There is a lot of love and caring here and it is genuine.

    Please continue to post and let us know what is going on with you...I know I am not speaking just for myself when I say we truly care about what your going through so please talk to us.
  3. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    thanks for your words..

    but i mean, who loves me will suffer but life goes on! they'll go on with their lives even if i'm not with them anymore..
    i know i shouldn't be saying this, but they'll suffer at first and then the pain will fades away, they probably won't forget me. but i will soon just be a small memory of a past life.
    they'll heal.
    don't you think so? their lives will go on like everyday after a while and i will have finally found peace..
    doesn't this sound right to you?
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Yes and know...I lost a loved on to suicide and I didn't get over it but after much therapy and heart ache I "came to terms" with his death.

    The issue is not so much how others feel right now but about how YOU feel. Your in pain and I would like to know about what? Not to be nosey but to understand so that I may lend support and perhaps even some insight and advice, insight and advice that just may help you out of this world of pain you are caught in right now.

    So yes their lives will go on but no the will never ever get over it.

    Please tell us a bit about what you are feeling and what has gotten you to the place where you feel suicide is your only option..I mean we usually want the pain to die not ourselves...make sense?
  5. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    but the pain doesn't die, it doesn't go away, it never leaves me.

    i've been suffering from depression and an ED for 2 years now. and it literally drains life out of me. it is exhausting. and extremely painful.

    i don't live anymore,i merely exist cause my heart still beats and my lungs still works, but this is not life. this is like a living hell.

    i used to have big dreams for my future, i wanted to be a doctor, i wanted to help people,to be someone, to have a family.
    now i only care about weight and calories.
    i can only think about food.
    i only feel fine when i starve, when i feel empty and numb. it's like an addiction and i can't stop it.
    but it's extremely painful.
    cause i'm wasting away..so, jumping off that window, i would just speed this slow process..
    if i keep on starving, purging..i will eventually die anyway.. so why don't just speed up the process and stop this unbearable pain now?

    i feel bad when i open my eyes in the morning cause i survived the night and another day is waiting for me..
    i don't know if you can understand how it feels..
    i don't have a purpose in life anymore, i just want to slowly disappear and i do it by starving myself..
    and i only think about food, i can only see food, only worry about it..
    i try to eat normally,but i just freak out. i feel guilty, i can't do it..

    and i don't know the reason why i do it. it just started and i got trapped.
    i was in therapy for more or less an year but nothing changed and i didn't get the ability to understand the real reason behind it..

    i can't be happy, i don't know how..
    i don't think i've never been happy, even as a child.
    my parents got divorced, my mother's always been sick in bed, absent.. i was 12 and already looking after my 2 younger brothers.
    i looked after my grandmum when she was dying of cancer. i saw her dying.
    my mother tried to suicide twice. i saved her the second time. she begged me to let her die.
    i don't think i can be happy.

    so..instead of just wasting away slowly..why can't i just stop it now? :(
  6. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Have you sought professional help? I would be dead without my meds?

    YOu really don't have to suffer like this there is help out there and help here too...

    I may have to so may not replv till later but I did send you a PM as well..

    Remember our depression clouds our thinking as I am sure if you could pick a happy life over sucide you would choose life...jut got you feeling a bit better..BTW have you asked your loved ones how they would feel if for some reason you did attempt?

    Hope to get to know you better and remember to check your PM inbox for my message.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I can hear you are in a lot of pain but suicide is not the answer.....
    can you reconsider the inpatient treatment your parents want for you.....it may be just what you need......
    please try all the help you can before you even consider suicide as an option...
    talking here is good.....we know your pain.....you can get support here..
    I have lost a child to suicide so I know that pain too....the reason I'm on this forum....I now want to join him...
    I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy....I don't wish it on your parents..
    I hope you will stay and talk some more.....
    you can pm any time...
    take care..
  8. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    im sorry, i dont reaslly know what to say but my thoughts are with you.
    look afteryourself.
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