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I want to.. do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dreamer, Apr 6, 2008.

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  1. dreamer

    dreamer Well-Known Member

    First of all, I've never attempted it. I have thought about it countless times.
    I've thought about suicide from a very early age (about 6). I know this sounds unbelievable but its true. At the time i didnt know it was suicide that i was thinking about. I simply 'wanted to disappear' or 'didnt want to exist'. Mainly because I didnt understand what was going on in class. I had learning difficulties. I was also socially isolated but that was secondary to my problems with understanding and anyway was probably a side effect. My family was and always has been traumatic.

    I have always had an underlying depression all throughout my school years and there were days when i wanted to die. I went through a bout of having bullying 'friends' as well. Which I think has affected me for life. Both my genes and environment are responsible for my problems. My genes play a slightly bigger part.

    At one point i found a way to 'get around' my learning problems. Despite having lots of other problems at this point. I studied, with seriously more effort then anyone else in my class. I got to a good uni. I thought this would be my ticket out. How... i didnt think about that. But the ways i had used to get around my learning problems no longer applied in uni.. i suffered as I put maximum effort into studies with minimal output. My social problems persisted. After uni i was suicidal to the point of searching methods. I was very unstable at this time. Then I got a job but was still unstable and suicidal. I hadnt attempted anything because its not easy to commit suicide.

    Now im serious again, more serious actually. My learning difficulties are still a problem but I have other problems compounding things. When i put everything together, theres too many problems, i feel incredibly unlucky and i dont see a way out or a way to reverse things at all. So I have a method in mind, after some research, a single method. I feel like im suicidal enough for this attempt. Obviously i would never discuss it with anyone. But i do feel intent this time.
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can understand where you're coming from. I've had my share of false friends who stabbed me in the back. And I've always had trouble in school with discipline, studying, and lack of motivation. Right now, I'm unemployed, and I don't have the desire to look for a job.

    All I can say is things have to get better, because once you're at the bottom, things have to look up. Everything comes to a head. Filter out the things you can't deal with and handle the things you can.
  3. Ugly

    Ugly Active Member

    Been there done that, just be glad you aren't ugly
  4. dreamer

    dreamer Well-Known Member

    I've been filtering out things i cant deal with for so long. I feel like i cant keep living like this, its like living a lie.
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