Practical Advice I want to do more with my cousin but he keeps breaking my boundaries

[richard 1998]

Hey all!
So the thing is, my cousin, doesnt break boundaries towards me. Its more about behaviour that I find inacceptable. And those behaviours include me in a way. For example:
He likes to steal. It doesnt matter what or where. When we enter a store as a group, he steals something without telling us. And since were a group Im also implicated in a way, which I dont want.
Same thing when he stole a bike. I just dont want to be part of delinquency. I simply find stealing morally wrong, which he doesnt.
Or
Intentionally breaking rules:
When we rent a small boat, he intentionally makes us overstay (after closing time), despite my opposition.

There are more examples but what I want to say is, that I want to hang out with him or even go on vacations with him, but I dont want things to happen as described above.

Im not sure how much control he has over those behaviours (he has ADHD, a lot of impulsivity). Thats why im not sure if an agreement between me and him would make a difference at all..

Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a solution? Or generally an opinion on what i should do?
Thanks everyone in advance !!

 

[kittykatt]

Richard,

As hard as it is going to be you are going to have to make a decision as to what you want to happen in your life. He is putting your life, safety, and well-being in jeopardy. There is also a chance that you could find yourself in legal difficulties due to his actions. You are right when you say that since you are a group you are also liable for what he does. I think that you should let him know in no uncertain terms that you aren't going to be a party to his actions anymore. You have to do what is in your best interests first.

I think that you need to sit down with him and have a long talk with him about his behavior. Tell him that as much as you want to do things with him, what he is going is morally and legally wrong and that you don't want to be a party to it anymore. Encourage him to seek professional help. Are there other family members that feel the same way you do? If so, then an intervention might be one way to go. But then you need to be ready to accept the consequences of what can happen if you choose to go that route.

Good luck to you.

 

[richard 1998]

Richard,

As hard as it is going to be you are going to have to make a decision as to what you want to happen in your life. He is putting your life, safety, and well-being in jeopardy. There is also a chance that you could find yourself in legal difficulties due to his actions. You are right when you say that since you are a group you are also liable for what he does. I think that you should let him know in no uncertain terms that you aren't going to be a party to his actions anymore. You have to do what is in your best interests first.

I think that you need to sit down with him and have a long talk with him about his behavior. Tell him that as much as you want to do things with him, what he is going is morally and legally wrong and that you don't want to be a party to it anymore. Encourage him to seek professional help. Are there other family members that feel the same way you do? If so, then an intervention might be one way to go. But then you need to be ready to accept the consequences of what can happen if you choose to go that route.

Good luck to you.

Hey Kittykatt
Thank you for your reply. I will definitely have a talk with him. But I have the feeling that he wont be able to stop it, since he has broken many (small) promises in the past.

I have some family members who feel the same way, but the problem is, his mom and dad dont feel that way. He is similar to my aunt in a way (she doesnt do illegal stuff tho)
My aunt and uncle dont even "believe" in him having ADHD, he is perfect in their eyes. My cousin is a little bit spoilt. The only one who supported him in starting therapy was me. He stopped therapy not long after starting, since he felt that it was useless.

I feel like an intervention would make him feel attacked... Perhaps I can speak with him and put the emphasis on me being worried and anxious (which is true)? Not sure if that is a good idea...
He doesnt take criticism well and I feel like an intervention/a talk could backfire

Edit: about the morally wrong thing: He doesnt really have a strict my property / your property kind of view. So he doesnt think hes doing anything morally wrong since its not really someone elses stuff hes stealing...

 

[Wispiwill]

It doesn't sound like he'd change his actions even if you DID speak to him. It sounds as though he doesn't see anything wrong in what he's doing - so why would he change?

At the end of the day, no-one can change another person. We can only change ourselves (and believe me, that's hard enough). So it comes down to which is more important to you - spending time with your cousin or keeping yourself out of trouble.

Good luck.

 

[richard 1998]

It doesn't sound like he'd change his actions even if you DID speak to him. It sounds as though he doesn't see anything wrong in what he's doing - so why would he change?

At the end of the day, no-one can change another person. We can only change ourselves (and believe me, that's hard enough). So it comes down to which is more important to you - spending time with your cousin or keeping yourself out of trouble.

Good luck.

you're right. He really doesnt have a reason to change other than.. well for me... At the same time, he is 25yo now. He still does those things but perhaps he can handle criticism better with age.

I guess I'll only find out when I speak with him. I'll give it a shot the next time I see him.
I also want to have the talk with him because I honestly believe thats hes going to get into trouble one day if he keeps behaving like this...
He has already been charged with driving without a license once. If that happens again, he risks prison time (and yes hes still driving without a license)