i want to end it asap

[3asy]

:bi_polo:Hi, I find it very hard to talk to people in person due to my stutter so thought I'd try this. I suffer from chronic depression with psychotic episodes, and I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'm leaving Uni (I graduate in July) and will be under pressure to get a job. My girlfriend and I are moving to Spain in August, but even this cannot get me excited. I just feel so flat all of the time, I honestly cannot remember the last time I enjoyed anything. I sit and smoke cigarettes and weed whilst watching shitty shows on tv and YouTube, when I live in a lovely sunny coastal area. I have tried to kill myself twice through overdose, and think trying it again about it most days. My girlfriend is lovely and wonderful but I feel like I hate her even though I have no reason to. My family barely speak to me after all the months of no contact on my side it feels like they've given up. I really don't know what to do and I can't see this ending any other way than me killing myself.
Please help

 

[Petal]

Hi and welcome to the forum, i deleted your other thread as it was a duplicate. I am sorry to hear you are struggling. How long have you been mentally unwell? Congrats on your graduation from uni, wish I had gone down that road. How exciting, moving to a whole new country and starting over, maybe when you move to Spain things will fall into place? Are you seeking any type of professional help? Could it be the weed that is dampening your mood?

We're here and do care, and we won't judge you :hugs:

 

[3asy]

I have seen various therapists and doctors over the past 4 years and am currently on citalopram for depression and anxiety. I'm not sure about the weed, I believe it's the sedative effects of it which have enabled me to refrain from harming myself over the past couple of years. I just can't see myself living in this horrible world for the next 60+ years when my first 20 have been full of anxiety, self hatred and depression. Spain may help, I seem to do better in the summer months when it's sunny outside. I'm sorry for the rambling, I just have noone to talk to, and I am too anxious to call anybody on the phone.

 

[Petal]

I understand the anxiety (I suffer from clinical anxiety) and you have someone to talk to here at SF Lots of people here, from lots of different backgrounds like you are understanding of what you are going through, no one here is going to judge you, we keep this site as supportive and friendly as possible.
I am glad you were able to refrain from harming yourself so you must have some sense of stability and self control.
I have been on citalopram (60mg), I've been on so many medications now its hard to tell if it helped or not. Do you feel it is helping you, it can take 6-8 weeks to begin working and to feel its full effects.
Well done on joining here and seeking help. You seem like a nice person, keep talking to us here, we'll try and help to the best of our ability.
I am always around if you need someone to chat to, as I said you are not alone here