I want to end my life. Any real help out there?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadmanfromdc, Mar 21, 2009.

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  1. sadmanfromdc

    sadmanfromdc New Member

    This is the first message, I have ever written in any internet forum. So, I do not know what to expect: I do not keep my hopes high. But I am wondering whether you could recommend any help to prevent suicide. I am talking about myself:

    A few days ago, I made a plan to commit suicide. A method I have chosen is irrelevant. I made a reservation in a small, cozy hotel on an Ocean shore, bought some alcohol and cigarettes and was almost ready to do it, but my mother called me and I did not do it. She rarely calls me, may be once a month, but she did call then. I am not religious and I do not believe in any mystical stuff, but it did have an effect on me - her call. I would have been dead otherwise.

    Below is my long story. Nothing special I guess, usual love stuff. I doubt that anybody will have the patience and interest to read it, but let's give it a try. I have wanted to talk with somebody for more than a year now, but I have no friends anymore. Anyway: I am an immigrant from Eastern Europe. I came to the States 11 years ago or so to pursue a degree in science. I already had a PhD at the time. In fact, I got the first one when I was just 23y.o., so you may say I am intellectually adept (unfortunately, it only concerns numbers, not people). In any case, I was married then and we had a wonderful son. I never loved my first wife and she never loved me: We got married because of the baby she wanted to keep. I did not argue and agreed to marry.

    On one of the trips home to visit my parents back in 2001, I met another woman and fell deeply in love with her. I still love her very much. I would not say that she convinced me to leave my family, I made the decision myself or so I think. But in any case, I told my wife of what was going on and agreed to support her the best I could. I have been trying to be in touch with my son ever since (until recently). I should mention that my first marriage would have fallen apart anyway; Mostly, because I am not an easy person to live with, but also because my first wife was not ecstatic about the dependent immigration status she had in the US (she could not work/study in) and she was considering taking a good job back home instead. But the bottom line is that I left my son and wife. I got divorced and married the woman I loved (let's call her "J"). Now in retrospect, I see that all she wanted was to get to the States from where she was at the time (she had nothing in a place where you do not want to be) and I was just a vehicle for this move. But she has played it so well that I take off my hat to her. I was 100% sure that I would spend my entire life with her.

    It was VERY difficult to bring "J" to the States due to legalities. But I did it and fast. It was a very happy time for me. The happiest time of my life by far with a LARGE margin. I guess being stupid does have some temporary benefits, such as not seeing the obvious. Such as ignoring the fact that the first thing I discovered her doing upon arrival to the land of opportunity was browsing through the local dating profiles, which she explained as an accident. In any case, I was genuinely happy doing things for her, buying things, teaching her how to drive, choosing a new car for her, helping her learning English, bringing her mother to the States, preparing her resumes to get her a job, paying her MBA tuition, and whatever other stuff an idiot husband would do. Perhaps, I could have been more supportive though, because I did invest a lot of time into getting and keeping a very competitive +$100K job and making a living. I was very competitive.

    "J" never wanted kids with me (I wanted to have kids with her very much). She never wanted any joint property with me either. She has always insisted on getting a Green Card ASAP though (we were on a visa for some time). And I filed when it was possible, but it took years for us to get it due to a security clearance tied to my job (those who are familiar with immigration nightmare, would understand it). It took years and she was my dependent, in the sense that our divorce would have resulted in her losing the Green Card. So, she played a loving, caring wife. I was happy. At some point during this process, while we were on vacation in NYC, I discovered some evidence that clearly showed that she did not love me one iota and was just waiting for documents to be approved through me. She was flirting on the internet, etc... Anyway, - obvious.

    I was in shock. I could not believe it (still don't). I wrote her a note stating that I promise not to withdraw her green card application, keep her health insurance for a year, support her financially some, give her a new car, and money to pay off her MBA tuition. She agreed and moved out. But I underestimated the effect it would have on me. I was destroyed. I could not move on. It was more than a year ago. I have asked her to come back. She said she wanted more time and asked me to do some things, took expensive presents from me. I was willingly going through all this humiliation hoping to get her back. I always had the option of destroying her life, by closing the Green Card application and sending her home. I should have done it, but she knew me well.

    She also said that a reason she left me (well, she then told everybody she left me - I did no argue), was my mental instability, probably bipolar, and suggested me to visit a doctor. I did agree that it might have been my fault and went to see a doctor, suggesting that perhaps I have bipolar. I would not call myself "normal," but I am not bipolar either I believe, however, if you have a good insurance (which I do) the doctors here in the States are happy to assign you any diagnosis you want as long as the insurance covers it. So, I convinced the doctor that I had bipolar, although he later changed his mind, saying that I might have ADHD or something else, most likely there is no name for whatever state of mind that I might have. I was just doing it for her, trying to get her back. So, I guess "idiot" would be the appropriate diagnosis.

    Anyway, we got our Green Cards in the summer. However, she did not want to divorce because she wanted to keep her health insurance through me and some other benefits, possible only when married. But at some point I said "enough" and decided to finalize the divorce. One day, I brought her documents to sign as we agreed. But she unexpectedly refused and called the police instead. "J" and her friends later filed a police report against me charging me with family abuse, harassment, and implying that I am dangerous because I am bipolar (attaching as evidence our email exchange about it; She asked me once how it was going in the psychiatry sessions, and I responded. So she kept the message). I was brought to the police and served with a protective order, which I assume went into my personal record, which might have been affecting my "rocket-science" job (where security clearances often are needed). I later tried to defend myself in court. Not much luck, as there is no chance in hell a man can defend himself against accusations of family abuse. I just lost a lot of money and surely had to give her a lot per our property settlement agreement.

    But losing money does not matter; what matters it the last thing she did, which has almost literally killed me. I do not want to wake up in the morning. I started smoking pack a day. I do not abuse alcohol and drugs and the antidepressants that make you a vegetable do not interest me either, but I can not sleep without a cocktail of drugs though. I can not communicate with people at all. I have no friends, and those few I had do not talk to me anymore for some reason, presumably because of something "J" said. I have no relatives here. I tried to get involved in new relations with women, but failed miserably. They do agree to meet up with me, but quickly realize that I am unreasonable and just run away, which by the way is the right thing to do. I also knew recently that "J" got involved in a new relationship though and of course I was very jealous. I did finalize the divorce a few weeks ago (I actually had to pay somebody to visit my apartment and be my witness as required by law in a divorce case, as nobody ever visits me). But the last drop was that I wanted to go home and see my son, but my first wife just got remarried and demanded that I cease communication with my son in his interests.

    I do not see one good reason to continue this "life." I just want to fucking die. I can not imagine anything, which could possibly help me, but I might be willing to give it a try, if it is anonymous and does not involve an organized religion. If you have something to say about it, let me know. But if you just read it all, for this alone I thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2009
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :welcome: to the forum.

    I don't know what I could say specific to your problem, but know that you are not alone in the pain you are feeling :hug:
  3. sadmanfromdc

    sadmanfromdc New Member

    Administrator, How can I remove my message from this site? I would like to do it. Please, advise or just remove it completely yourself. Thanks.
  4. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    I speed-read your post. I will tell you first off that you are thinking WAY too much about EVERYTHING.

    No offense but no one in life is even going to start being able to listen to you unless you considate your problems into a few simple ideas.

    Example: 1. I have anxiety because my wife pisses me off because... (short)


    2. I use drugs a lot because I hate everyone on the whole Earth.

    Something like that...

    Then, I can help you....
  5. Leecy

    Leecy Member

    Just wanted to say that Im going through the same thing as you, I was married and in a relationship with my husband for 7 years and just after I got his visa in Australia he left me for another younger girl at work.

    Its really hard isnt it - you are depressed on so many levels - I miss him, I love him, I hate him, I feel betrayed, abandoned, lost, Im missing out on my life, I feel that I was inadequate....

    I dont know what the answers are.....but Im just trying to sort everything out in my mind and Im seeing a counsellor although I havent told her yet about my near attempt with suicide and my continuing feelings of just not wanting to wake up in the morning....

    Like you my mum and dad are what stops me from killing myself because it would kill them too and they dont deserve that, they are nice people who are kind hearted and care for others, its not their fault that I brought this person into my life
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