I want to end my life....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by xXxRNBxXx, Nov 20, 2009.

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  1. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Hi there,

    Lately i really want to end my life i cry myself to sleep every night takes me agesss to get to sleep with all the thoughts racing around then when i do finally drift off, i find myself sleeping around 18 hours a day. I have stopped taking my medication as i feel im being poisoned or like im too messed up to help so they are chucking meds at me to keep me quiet?!?! oh i dunno...
    All i do know is I have this feeling a lot and most times ive acted on it by overdosing, also trying to jmp off bridge etc...I been in and out of hospital (pych) 4-5 times since 12 june this year last released 6th october...It clealy aint helping....I just dont know what to do anymore...I'v tried talking to people tried writting stuff down tried everything but nothing is working...I've had few drinks today as i just had a urge to do it....now i have all my meds ive saved up saying take me take me...I know i might get some nasty remarks etc but guess i just need someone to talk to as i never know what to say when ive tried ringing smartians...

    thanks for reading....
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member


    I can relate to your saying that meds get chucked at you to keep you quiet, that's how I felt when I was handed bottles of pills on leaving psych ward, no instructions, ne help no real follow up, like they were saying oh go away and take these, stop bothering us (and if they don't work, come back in 3 months and we'll give you another lot to keep you out of our hair for another three months!)

    However, having said that, about the worst thing you could do is just stop taking them - and certainly not cold turkey. Best to wind down off them and go see doc and say they're not working, keep trying different ones until you find some that do work. Takes a lot of time and anguish, but at the end of the day, the meds are there to help, even if it takes a long time.

    In the meantime, talking does help! Do you feel up to telling us a bit more about yourself, your life, why you've ended up feeling so bad?
  3. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    hi Tam thanks for your quick reply...

    I'm not sure why i'm really like this to be honest...i have been suicidal since the age of 9 ( i tried to hang myself) i never spoken to anyone about how i felt etc it was like i was set to automatic if that makes sense... i just tried to get on with things all people kept telling me was things will get better (im so sick of hearing this) things have never got better for me i actually feel theres someone up there enjoying every minute of making my life hell... i tried to throw myself off a bridge but my husband was trying to talk to me next minute he grabbed me and got a passer by to phone police they all came grabbed me as they were talking to my husband i took loads of tablets out my pocket and shoved them in my mouth next minute the police piled on me and handcuffed me and took me back to hospital on a 136... my family dont understand altough i never tell them anything im such a black sheep i cant bare to tell them how i really feel because im so embarrassed and ashamed....

    on 16th october i got made redundant i think this is because i have been off for 4 months in hospital. Now my life is worse as all ihave is timeee and all i doo is think about everything. I'm spending all my time sleeping as thats the only thing that gets me through the day/life. Now again its friday its always a weekend that gets me...its been on my mind constanly for past 2 days i keep researching things on suicide i just feel i wanna do it.

    I feel i have ben possessed...like this aint my mind or body anymore like im being controlled and used... its so hard to explain... when i have been accessed etc at hospital i lie most the time as im too ashamed to tell them how i really think/feel i dont want to be judged or given a "Title" im already a outcast....

    Sorry for the long reply....
  4. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    You know what it sounds like to me, that you've never had a chance to talk to someone about what you think, how you feel. Like it's all bottled up inside so that even you don't know what you feel and think half the time? As you've been in hospital I wondered if you haven't been assigned a therapist, or counsellor to help you?

    I think I know exactly what you mean when you say you're too ashamed to tell people things - it takes a lot of guts to open up it's so much easier to shut down and keep it all under control. But here's the inevitable 'advice' - you've got to take that step, start talking to someone about everything that's going in you, your husband? your family? even the doctors, if you 'lie' then they not only can't help, but probably think you're much more ok than you feel. And people can be much less judgemental than we fear, usually those judgements are in our own heads.

    But until you do get the courage to talk to someone close to you, keep posting here, they're a pretty supportive bunch on here and nobody judges, nobody puts anyone down for being in pain, for needing a bit of care and sympathy.

    So instead of swallowing those pills, start talking? Ok? :hug:
  5. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Tam i feel so guilty... My husband is at work and my 5 year old daughter is playing in her bedroom and all i can think about is taking an overdose or jumping off a bridge... :eek:(
  6. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Please don't feel bad about feeling bad! You've got every right to feel whatever you feel, no need to even justify it!

    And for what it's worth, guilt has saved so many people from suicide, it's actually useful that you feel it, believe it or not. I'm talking about your daughter - that's the first thing people will say to you, think of her, think of your husband, think of all the people who will be hurt by your decision.

    But you don't need to make that decision right now though do you? Why don't you think instead about maybe talking to your husband? Does he know how you feel? Does he know about how you've been feeling throughout your life?
  7. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    all i ever hear is things will get better or think about your daughter...

    I do think about her all the time :eek:(

    Yes my husbands knows more or less everything, hes kinda useless though moans i dont tell him things then when i try he seems like hes not interested..?!?!

    I wish my life was easier.... its so dam hard to cope right now...
  8. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Heh your husband sounds like mine - he sees I'm upset, asks about it, but the moment I try and tell him how I feel about something his eyes glaze over and he seems to switch off. Makes me feel ten times worse, so I just don't say anything, shove it back inside and feel even more isolated than before.

    I've found posting on here really helps - people already expect you to be feeling bad so you don't have to go through the real world rigmarole of getting someone to take you seriously. Please keep posting, it might not change everything, but it will certainly help get through some bad times, help you feel less alone. :hug:
  9. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    thanks for talking to me Tam, i'll try my best to keep posting... x
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