i want to end my misery

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by free_your_mind, Sep 17, 2008.

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  1. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    well it all stared 8 days ago when my boyfriend walked out on me, he was angry because i accused him of lying, he has a good memory, more than me, and he remember this day on 2002 when he sold me a ps2 game, i told him i don't remember this day and he got worked up by it and said "he needed space" and i screamed at him and slammed the kitchen door, i came out of the kitchen 20 minutes later and he was gone, 8 days later and no calls, text, he won't won't answer his door and i am starting to doubt everything, i don't think he loves me anymore, or he wants to see me anymore, i've tried to text him and call him to tell him how much i love him but he doesn't reply, to my messages.

    last night i went to his flat to post a letter, but like always he didn't answer the door, i can't get into the building to post through his letter box so there is nothing i can do about it.

    i have been crying constantly all week, been sick, and having nightmares aswell, i have no one to talk about this problem, my mother has mental health issues, my best friend hasn't talked to me for months and is in another country, i'm all alone right now.

    i have decided that today may be the day that i take my own life, i don't want to go through all this pain for the rest of my life, i don't want to carry on living without him for the rest of my life, we was so happy, we was going to get married, start a family, everything that made me happy is all gone now, that's why i hate god, he puts something good in your life and before you can enjoy it he takes it away just as fast so you can't even appreciate what happened to you.

    anyways my last resort is to call his brother and see if he has said anything to him, if that doesn't happen i am going to walk on the road lay down on it and wait for a car to run me over and end it all, i want a quick death and i don't want to come back ever! the price of living on this earth is far too great, it's like hell on earth and i cannot take anymore of this hell at all.

    it's not fair other people can be happy and have what i can never have, i have been destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life, why did i choose to live in a world like this? why can't i have what other people have? it's just not fair!!!!
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Free Your Mind,
    It sounds like you are already greiving. Give it a little time, he probably is thinking about your relationship. He may decide it's over so you need to prepare yourself for that. How long have you been togethor?
    You know life can deal you a bunch of shit. You need to step outside of the herd so you aren't knee deep in it!!
    I hope he comes back because it really sucks to just hang there with all those thoughts going thru your head!! I really hope you two can work it out. Just remember we are here for you, we care about you!!Take Care!!:chopper:!!
  3. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    we have been together for about 5 months now as a couple, but we have known each other as friends for about 5 years or so, so we are best friends as well as lovers. i've talked to his brother and he has said that he hasn't heard from him either, sometimes when my boyfriend is down he will go into hiding in his flat and won't answer the door to anyone (he suffers from severe depression like me), even his own family, so i am hoping that is the case and not because he doesn't love me, i'm hanging onto very small hope right now that he will come back to me soon, that's the only reason for me to keep myself alive, i've already attempted suicide before as i nearly hanged myself but i backed out and he came back, i'm trying to hold back these feelings of ending my life but it's very very hard to keep it that way.

    i've tried drinking loads of beer to smother my pain, but i just end up with a hangover the next day and i feel even more depressed :(
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Yeah alcohol is not the answer. You need a clear mind for when he returns your calls. No I am not antialcohol. I am an alcoholic and quit a few years ago. I decided if I am going to take meds then I will do it like they prescribe. I don't like taking all those meds. But if I don't take them then the alternative is death! The main thing for me is I have been trying to get xanax, or valuim to control my anxiety and panic attacks. They look at me Because of my size and determine that I don't need them. I am a former Marine and was drilled into me that you don't show emotion. So I hold it all in and it is eating me alive.
    Give it time. Like I said he is probably thinking especially if he suffers from depression also, he could be having trouble processing his thoughts. Just to be on the safe side I would send his brother there to see what is up! Take Care and Stay Safe!!:chopper:!!
  5. shoekstra1419

    shoekstra1419 Member

    when someone leaves you it hurts. keep in mind what God does all for a reason and itll all work out. youll find mr right
  6. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    well i found out that he has been sectioned for 4 months in a mental hospital (he suffers from severe depression), they refuse to tell me what happened, nor will they let me contact them, i have nothing to go on apart from a brief call saying he will contact me soon, i call his brother and his sister about this to let them know where their brother is and they throw it right back in my face, his brother hangs up the phone and his sister hangs up on me the next day when i asked her if she had heard anything about my boyfriend.

    i've tried calling the number that said that he was in a mental institution for 4 months but as soon as it rings they hang up, it doesn't help my situation at all as i feel worthless that i can't do anything, before this happened i told him that i would always be there for him if he got into trouble even if he ended up in jail i will always be there for him and now something has happened to him i can't do anything, it's killing me inside that i can't do anything to help, i just want to talk to him and see him and find out what is going on with my boyfriend, and i am thinking of sueing these people for emotional damage they have caused me, they have caused me enough pain and i want compensation, i am really considering taking them to court for this, after all they are refusing to tell me what happened to my boyfriend or where he is located, or how to contact him.

    i've tried calling his phone again today but it makes no difference as it just rings and rings and goes to answer machine, i've left a message on his mobile phone to get back in touch, i don't know what else to do anymore, the thought of spending 4 months without him is a living hell, already spending 10 days without him is hell, i don't think i can survive 4 months without him.

    i've been crying all day today, i woke up crying last night at 5am because he wasn't here beside me, we were inseparable when we was together and now that is all gone, gone is my happiness, gone is everything i had and it was taken away before i can even enjoy what good i had in my life.

    because of this i will be emotionally scarred for life, i will never be the same, the thought of me being alone for the rest of my life is a scary thought and i don't want that to happen, i was miserable before i met him and i don't want to be like that again! i was looking forward to starting a family and getting married and that will never happen now, i promised myself that if i reach 50 and i don't have kids by that age i will get a gun, no matter what and i will shoot myself with no remorse, i do not want to come back to this miserable world, life is cruel, i've learnt that my whole life, all i have had my whole life is sadness and suffering, since i was born to this very day, all i have had is constant suffering and I've had enough of this suffering, i thought the small happiness i had would be the end of my suffering, but i guess i was wrong!

    i've asked (and begged) god many times this whole week why he has done this and i wish i could turn back time when we had that huge argument and make everything in the past different so this would have never happened and i still haven't got a answer to my question, sometimes i think i am in a nightmare and i am telling myself to wake up over and over and over and over, i think in my opinion god has done this in spite to torment me, i asked for so many years for myself to be happy and get married e.t.c and when it does finally happen it gets taken away. and for you to think i will find mr right is laughable, i'm destined to be lonely for the rest of my life! my fate says so and i can't change it! i can never be happy! i'm not allowed to!

    let me tell you the reader how i feel right now so your petty talk of telling me everything will be alright and i will find someone else when i won't.

    just imagine someone giving you a big juicy tasty steak at a restaurant for free and they put that big juicy tasty steak on your table for you to eat, only for them to instantly yank it away before you can even put a knife to cut the meat, does that sound pleasant? no it does not sound pleasant at all.

    i want to find infinite peace and be away from horrible life on earth, my soul needs permanent rest as i am so tired that when i cry i can't cry anymore because i am exhausted, the fact that i can't hear my boyfriend tell me that he loves me 100 times a day, the fact that i can't get those warm hugs that i miss so much from him, and everything else i miss about him i cannot have now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2008
  7. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    ok, just a bit of background about my boyfriend, he suffers from panic attacks, his mother died 3 years ago, he has ODC and IBS, he has suicidal thoughts all the time, he had gambling problems too (he quit gambling when he met me) and he finds it hard to trust people aswell.

    i share my own problems too, i have severe depression, my half brother was stabbed a few years ago due to racism, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks too, my mother has mental health issues aswell (OCD)

    so when they called me up and told me about him being sectioned all kinds of scenarios was going through my head, i've told him many many times not to hurt himself as he likes to punch himself and walls when he gets down, i punch walls, and i have cut myself in the past, i don't do it now though...

    he could have attempted suicide, got himself into trouble like a fight, or turned himself in, i have no idea right now but those are the main scenarios, he can't get himself into trouble as he has been put under caution with the old bill and has to be good for a whole year (due to a court case where his best friend accused him of racism :( ), i know he won't be silly enough to get himself into trouble, although he did get into a fight just a few weeks back at a local pub, so yeah he has his own share of problems and i have my share of problems too.

    sorry but i have to get all my problems typed up as i don't like to bottle them in as it will make me cry again if i do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2008
  8. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Free your mind,

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have a hell of a lot on your plate.. I'm not going to tell you that everything will be alright and that everything happens for a reason, because I think you already found out that life doesn't always work that way. My personal opinion is that life throws a lot of tests your way (not necessarily by God) and that one is judged at the end of your life how you dealt with those problems. Don't give up on your religion, as you will find that it is much more difficult to cope without it.

    Your in a really tough spot I know, and I know it feels like hell to wait. Do you know where the hospital is? Perhaps you can physically go there yourself and find out what the problem is. They should allow you to visit at least. Anyway, keep posting and let us know how things develop and please don't give up hope!
  9. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    no, they won't tell me where it is (i wish so much to go and visit him but i can't) like i said before i can't do anything but wait and hope i hear from him someday, if not, i don't know what i will do, i'm living off my last hope and i don't know how long i will last to be honest, i will try to keep posting in this topic if i am feeling down that seems to help anyway.
  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Just wait! It's hard, but it'll pass! He still loves you, he's probably just having a personal crisis. I've been on the boyfriend's end of this thread several times in the last year, almost identical situation, and... Well, I always went back, she always came back.

    Hell, as you pointed out in my thread, we're in pretty much opposite ends of identical situations. You sound very similar to the girl I'm dealing with, and you think I sound similar to your boyfriend

    Also, in the appearance thread, you complained of your appearance. She does too, but she's actually really pretty.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2008
  11. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    yeah in the past when we had arguments he always came back, but this time it's hard to believe that as it's been so long, i will try not to give up hope though.
  12. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    It sounds like he can't live without you. He'll be back.
  13. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    yeah my boyfriend always told me i am beautiful, but sometimes secretly i didn't believe it because i hate the way i look, and yeah he always tells me he never wants to leave me but this time i've got a feeling it could be different after what happened, i feel kind of guilty for making him this way, his brother and sister probably blame me for putting him inside that place as the way they hung the phone up on me, the truth is though he did say many times he wanted counseling because he couldn't cope with his mothers death and wouldn't accept that she was dead, also when we argue he says it reminds him of when his mother and father used to argue and he doesn't like it because of that reason, he gets scared sometimes when we argue, so i don't know who is to blame really but i keep blaming myself for this.
  14. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I think the worst thing you could do now is something rash, if he were to come back into your life, he would want a strong, in control woman who doesn't set him off with her emotions.

    When he gets out, I think you should let him know you will be there to support him whether the relationship is going anywhere or not. That way he will be able to clear his head with no pressure and hopefully see what he has with you.

    You not pressurizing him would also make him see you as a selfless person which always goes in your favour.

    Please try to be calm...
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you are forgetting something you said.He doesn't want to talk to you NOW!! It sounds like he is thinking right now. Once he makes some progress he will contact you. You need to get your head straight. He is going to need you strong so he has someone to lean on. As far as his siblings go, Tell them to take a flying leap!! I hope things work out!! Stay Strong~:chopper:~
  16. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    just a update, and it's good news, i'm seeing him tomorrow, i'm so happy :D he texed me yesterday saying he still loves me always which is such a nice feeling.

    the feelings of wanting to die and feeling very down are completely gone, he still has to go back to the hospital but at least he can visit me, i have so many questions i want to ask him tomorrow.
  17. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're feeling better and that everything worked out. Remember this day in the future that whenever all hope seems lost, something can always happen to turn things around. Keep us posted as to how he and you are doing. Enjoy your day! :smile:
  18. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I hate to say it...

    But I told you so. :D
  19. free_your_mind

    free_your_mind Active Member

    just a update, and i have bad news, my boyfriend sent me a text message from a payphone saying he wanted to meet up with me today, he said in the text message that he still loved me, and he doesn't want to loose me e.t.c but then last night texted me from his mobile and said to me, "do you really love me or did you love me for my money, tell me the truth, i won't be upset with you."

    i replied back and said that of course i love him for who he is and that he makes he happy.

    i then get a call from him, i asked him about the 2 text messages and he has no recall of them and says he never sent them, i was very confused at this time, the fact that he lied about the text messages and that he got my hopes up of fixing what went wrong made me even more depressed than i was from the beginning of all of this. i then asked him if he still loved me and he said "he doesn't know anymore" and is very confused about what he wants.

    i'm shocked to say the least, and the fact that he doesn't love me anymore has made me feel really down, i asked him what about us getting married, having children, and he couldn't even answer that question, i don't know what to do anymore, i told him i was sorry for what happened and i said i never meant to get angry at him like that, he said he was scared of what happened because it reminded him of when his mother and father used to argue (his mother suffered domestic abuse from his father), he also was upset that we argued over small little things and it was getting to him eventually, but every couple has arguments, right? no relationship is perfect :( he also said he wanted to get help from his problem and was at the edge of taking his own life, that's why he went to the hospital.

    he also says to me that he is unable to tell me where he is, and that he hit himself and had bruises all over his body from beating himself up, i told him so many times not to do this to himself, i felt myself that i wanted to cut myself and take some pills to make me sleep forever as i cannot take anymore of this emotional pain any longer, i can't live without him and i will not live my life without him, why does he think i love him for his money? why did he send those text messages that he still loved me? and yet tell me on the phone that he doesn't, i knew those text messages were him because i know the way writes a text message.

    what really makes this situation worse is i think i may be pregnant, i've went to the doctors for a test and i will be getting the results within the weekend, i don't want to tell him yet until i am 100% certain that i am, i want to be because that is what we wanted from the start to have a child together, but now things are changed so differently i don't know now.

    he said after we had talked for a hour that he would call me again today, i then sent him a text message saying that i would stick by him no matter what and to be strong and to not give up, my boyfriend is not a fighter he gives up on life very easily and cannot handle being under pressure, he also said it was ok to call him so i am at least happy with that, but the sad things is he doesn't know when he will get out of that place, it could even be longer than 4 months and i am dreading if it could be that long, he is trying to get a solicitor to help him with getting him released and i wish he would let me help him in these situations but he never lets me help him and it saddens me, i told him why didn't he just go to counseling instead of admitting himself to a mental health hospital but he felt it wouldn't have helped him in any way.

    if anyone has any idea what i need to do next it would help a lot, i'm lost and need answers right now, and i am still asking myself why this is happening to me, i don't deserve this and i wanted to be happy, i cried again last night and couldn't sleep either, i was thinking of taking sleeping pills so i can sleep properly but i am scared that if i buy them i will take a overdose on purpose to end my suffering.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2008
  20. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I'm still confident it will get better. Again, there are a great deal of parallels between your relationship and mine. I've been inclined during some depressive bouts to say some very, very nasty shit to her. He still loves you, but as he said, he is just confused, very confused. Be as supportive as you can and once he gets help, he'll be back.

    If he didn't care about you, he wouldn't be telling you that he's suicidal and self-harming. That's a very personal thing to tell someone. As for the "love him for his money" thing, it sounds like the typical irrational shit going through an angsty person's head - he's had a sudden revelation that your relationship never was what he thought it was, but it's complete nonsense. I've felt similar things. The constant flip-flop between love and hate are something I commonly experience. At the moment I hate Sarah with all my being, but I can't live without her.
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