I don't really know where to begin. There's so much wrong and I can't seem to fix anything or change anything. My living situation is similar to being stuck in a cage that is slowly sinking into the ocean and each day it gets harder to breathe. I guess I should mention the problem, I've been living with my verbally abusive, neglectful, parents that ruined my life for almost 20 years now. This May I'll be 20 years old. During the almost 20 years here, I haven't been allowed to go to school, have friends, go outside alone, and have been pretty much subjected to complete solitude besides going to church, and at church the kids shunned me and ignored me, among other things. Almost 4 years ago I stopped going to church altogether because of happenings that made me insanely suicidal every time I went to church, for almost two years I locked myself up in my room only leaving to go to the restroom, eat, and the occasional times I was forced to go to church for holidays by my parents. I forced myself to attend G.E.D. classes so I would at least have some sort of graduation. My parents were against it, but I forced myself to defy them so I might change my life around. I got my G.E.D. forced myself to try a community college for a year going part time. But just enduring the days were too much, and the anxiety and stress I had that I might fail made me insanely suicidal. It didn't help that my fear of people had increased by 100x. Some other things happened after that year of community college, that shattered my ability to trust people. And my fear of people is quite strong now. I tried getting a job, but people either weren't interested in someone as jittery as me, or they didn't teach me how to do the job properly and then I got yelled at. Which is something that makes me even more suicidal and useless, that's why I always try my best to avoid those situations and if they had trained me properly I would've not had those problems. Of course I couldn't stand up for myself because my self esteem is lower than dirt, I couldn't even walk in for my last paycheck when I quit over the phone. I felt so horrible and ashamed. I can't leave the place that caused all of my problems, I can't leave my parents. I want to, I want to leave more than anything, I want to escape this hellish place. But everything I try is a dead end, community college was too impossible for me, I panicked and broke down every day. I tried therapy but they couldn't help me. I tried getting a job, but it just ended up making me more suicidal and worthless feeling. I have no one to love and support me, no one to help me, I feel so scared and trapped. And I'm sinking more into the ocean every day. I want to be free, I want to live, but there's no way to escape and I'm slowly being smothered out. I can't endure this pain anymore, I need to escape. But there's no where to escape to, going to a hospital won't help, they'll just send me back to live in pain. My doctor can't prescribe anything but medication, and I'm scared to take medication because my friend of 3 years that I loved changed after taking medication. And I don't want to become cold and unfeeling like he did. I don't know what to do anymore. I looked at stupid advertisements for people looking for wives for convenience, and other stupid things, I tried making savings and looking for a cheap apartment, but with the expenses of apartments I can't rent one on my own. And I have no friends I can rent with and I'm too scared of strangers. And the only time I can confront my fears is when someone loves me and is there for me, but no one is, no one really loves me and no one wants me. I am so weak alone, I can't handle it. The only reason I could try to get a job for those times and attend community college was because I had someone who loved me, but they lied and hurt me and now I have nothing. And I'm such a mess. I'm sorry that I am typing so much, I wish someone could help me, or save me, or something. But I know that's impossible. Today, I signed up for a site that is supposedly supposed to help you find the right method for killing yourself. I realized that since everything is a dead end and no help exists, the only escape I have is death. I've been suicidal since I was 9, I held on for almost 11 years now, I can't hold on any longer. Things aren't going to improve. Yet for some reason when I saw this site, I thought maybe just maybe someone could help me. I'm sorry if this made anyone upset or down. I have no intention of upsetting anyone, I really, just want help. But maybe I can't get it. I'm sorry for bothering you all.