I want to escape from this cage.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Acro, Apr 10, 2011.

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  1. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    I don't really know where to begin. There's so much wrong and I can't seem to fix anything or change anything. My living situation is similar to being stuck in a cage that is slowly sinking into the ocean and each day it gets harder to breathe. I guess I should mention the problem, I've been living with my verbally abusive, neglectful, parents that ruined my life for almost 20 years now. This May I'll be 20 years old. During the almost 20 years here, I haven't been allowed to go to school, have friends, go outside alone, and have been pretty much subjected to complete solitude besides going to church, and at church the kids shunned me and ignored me, among other things.

    Almost 4 years ago I stopped going to church altogether because of happenings that made me insanely suicidal every time I went to church, for almost two years I locked myself up in my room only leaving to go to the restroom, eat, and the occasional times I was forced to go to church for holidays by my parents. I forced myself to attend G.E.D. classes so I would at least have some sort of graduation. My parents were against it, but I forced myself to defy them so I might change my life around. I got my G.E.D. forced myself to try a community college for a year going part time. But just enduring the days were too much, and the anxiety and stress I had that I might fail made me insanely suicidal. It didn't help that my fear of people had increased by 100x. Some other things happened after that year of community college, that shattered my ability to trust people. And my fear of people is quite strong now.

    I tried getting a job, but people either weren't interested in someone as jittery as me, or they didn't teach me how to do the job properly and then I got yelled at. Which is something that makes me even more suicidal and useless, that's why I always try my best to avoid those situations and if they had trained me properly I would've not had those problems. Of course I couldn't stand up for myself because my self esteem is lower than dirt, I couldn't even walk in for my last paycheck when I quit over the phone. I felt so horrible and ashamed.

    I can't leave the place that caused all of my problems, I can't leave my parents. I want to, I want to leave more than anything, I want to escape this hellish place. But everything I try is a dead end, community college was too impossible for me, I panicked and broke down every day. I tried therapy but they couldn't help me. I tried getting a job, but it just ended up making me more suicidal and worthless feeling. I have no one to love and support me, no one to help me, I feel so scared and trapped. And I'm sinking more into the ocean every day. I want to be free, I want to live, but there's no way to escape and I'm slowly being smothered out. I can't endure this pain anymore, I need to escape. But there's no where to escape to, going to a hospital won't help, they'll just send me back to live in pain. My doctor can't prescribe anything but medication, and I'm scared to take medication because my friend of 3 years that I loved changed after taking medication. And I don't want to become cold and unfeeling like he did.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I looked at stupid advertisements for people looking for wives for convenience, and other stupid things, I tried making savings and looking for a cheap apartment, but with the expenses of apartments I can't rent one on my own. And I have no friends I can rent with and I'm too scared of strangers. And the only time I can confront my fears is when someone loves me and is there for me, but no one is, no one really loves me and no one wants me. I am so weak alone, I can't handle it. The only reason I could try to get a job for those times and attend community college was because I had someone who loved me, but they lied and hurt me and now I have nothing. And I'm such a mess.

    I'm sorry that I am typing so much, I wish someone could help me, or save me, or something. But I know that's impossible. Today, I signed up for a site that is supposedly supposed to help you find the right method for killing yourself. I realized that since everything is a dead end and no help exists, the only escape I have is death. I've been suicidal since I was 9, I held on for almost 11 years now, I can't hold on any longer. Things aren't going to improve. Yet for some reason when I saw this site, I thought maybe just maybe someone could help me.

    I'm sorry if this made anyone upset or down. I have no intention of upsetting anyone, I really, just want help. But maybe I can't get it. I'm sorry for bothering you all.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Acro i hear you i see you and i am so sorry you have suffered so greatly.
    I know you said you are afraid of medication Hun that is what is going to help you okay. Your friend changed maybe his or her meds were too high in dosage
    If medication is given correctly you become more comfortable less anxious and more outgoing a bit. If you try medication you may get that strength to try again to move out to go to college with out anxiety.
    You are still very young 20 lots of time to meet someone new okay but you need help to have that courage to try again. I am old now and i can see if perhaps i had the medication they have now i would not have had to live an isolated life like you are.
    Just know okay youare NOT alone now okay if ever you want to talk i am here you can pm me i will listen and i will certainly care.
    Try the newer medication okay less side effects more energy more confidence in you it will bring hugs to you
  3. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    There's actually another reason I don't want to try medication. My dad's a pain medication addict, he relies on medication and he's a horrible person. He yells and screams and is very unstable without his medication, and I don't want to ever be reliant on a medication. Even if it means staying the way I am, I'm too scared of becoming like him or like my friend. And I don't want to become someone I don't want to be, or will be ashamed of. I don't want to hate myself more than I already do. I don't want to not be okay when I stop taking the medication, or realize I can't feel happy without medication. I rather rarely be happy than be pretend happy, I want to feel my own feelings. Because I have this pain for a reason, and masking it isn't going to help. I also am afraid of the medication making me more suicidal than I already am, as it is it takes nearly all of my strength to keep myself from just giving up. I can't handle anymore suicidal thoughts than I already get.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2011
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Mediction does not mask your real feelings no what medication does is make things in the brain the way they are suppose to be so you can live a life not so fearful more independantly.
    YOu are not your dad or your friend you are you and getting help for yourself that is the first step to getting out of that cage okay dont waste years
    Your thinking process is distorted depression causes that too.
    You would not tell a diabetic to stop taking their insuling because they would get very ill
    the same with mental illness some of us need meds to keep our chemicals in our brain balanced meds bring us back to where we should be we become like we were as a child more happier more stable before the imbalance happened.

    I just hope you try okay if you don't like the results then you can stop the meds but if you try meds and feel energentic feel more postive more outgoing feel like you are alive then why stop it. The meds do not change who you are they give you back you life they bring the you the one you remember back no masking okay the meds really unmask and bring the real you out hugs
  5. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Hi, welcome. Sorry you went through all that but 20 is quite young still, you have your whole life ahead of you. I know it's hard. I'm also scared of people. But you just have to believe in youself just a little bit. You are the way you are now for the reasons behind that, you can learn new ways of doing things, of being, of having more confidence, gradually. Baby steps... Plan for the future, to get out from where you don't want to be, you can do it, you have lots of time. Courage.

    Listen to TE about the meds also. :) Sometimes we are to set in our ways and that's the problem, I know I also refuse to take any but I know I'm doing wrong. :/
  6. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    Honestly, I have no reason to live anymore. I have no dreams, no goals, no love, no happiness, I don't want anything in this world. People are scary, humans are so scary, I don't want to be around them. I want to hide. I don't like humans. I can't get the one thing I wanted in this world, which was to love and be loved. And if I can't get that then why even bother fighting another day? I don't want to fight to live in such a screwed up world. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I want to leave it.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    But you are YOUNG you don't know if tomorrow that someone you may bump into you may connect too will bring you that love as you say . With out getting you well how iwll that happen YOu have to get some stability in your life so youcan get out and meet people meet that someone special. time to ry right
  8. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    I understand those feelings well. But the reason you have no desire to fight is just that you're in a dark place right now and it seems that that will never change but that is a lie. You can be loved but you have to get well first, love yourself, then you will find love, trust. :)
  9. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    I've been in a dark place all of my life! That's not going to change! People are cruel, heartless, mean, and just horrible. People are not kind at all. I hate living in this world, I hate it. No one ever cared for me! I don't want this world! I want out! Nothing is going to make this world a place worth living in! I don't need to take medications to convince myself the world is a better place, because it's not. It's crap.

    Everyone hates me, I don't fit in, I don't belong here. I'm not like other people. I'm a freak. No one will let me belong anywhere. I'll never be good enough for people. I'm always trash to them. No one can love me. I'm ugly. Everyone in the world will never want me or love me or accept me. I went to community college that year, hoping that I'd find that people were nicer than I thought, but they weren't. People will never want me or love me. I'm trash to them that can be thrown away.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh god don't say that okay you are NOT trash you sound so much like me
    You are a person in pain a person suffering depression and the only way out is to get help
    You cannot change people okay the only person you can change is YOU
    Therapy meds small steps at a time change is attainable.
    You will start to see with different eyes there are kind people in this world you know what you just need to reach out to ONE of them and TRUST one of them and you will see that not all the world is dark some of it has some light in it
    I was treated as trash too okay thrown away so many times even today thrown away by some but their LOSS okay
    Reach inside you and take that first step get hellp for YOU because you are special you do matter and with help you can move forward you can unlock the dam cage your in and move out into the world again stronger with less anger and in peace h ugs
  11. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    People aren't all bad and they aren't all good, neither. They are somewhere in the middle. People respond to how you feel about yourself, how you expect to be treated. Lots of ugly people are happy and have lots of friends, because they have confidence, and they like themselves. You are not to blame for the things that happened to you that you could not control, you can only change the future and you are still young. Believe me I am also very leery of people but I know it's wrong, it's just seeing things through tinted shades. People are neither good nor bad, you should neither trust them completely nor reject them entirely.
  12. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Okay, I have something to say.

    If you don't want to try the traditional treatments of medication and therapy, fine. No one can force you to do that. And it's true, they may not help. Sometimes people have chronic depression that's totally resistant to treatment. And it also makes total sense to not want to take medication. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, because I'd be acting hypocritically anyway. So I'll just say this:

    The worst thing about life that can sometimes work in our favor is that it is chaos.

    No one can predict where they're going to be in five years. The environment changes, people change, we roll with it. It all inevitably puts us in a place we didn't expect before. It's not necessarily a good place, and it's not necessarily a bad place. You want to love and be loved? I'm sure stranger things have happened. Really, you could luck out.

    My father was a drug dealer in his early 20's. My mother was a depressed, social isolate. Now my father is the CEO of a hospital, and my mother works in credentialing. My father uses this kind of thing with me, too, especially when I feel despondent. He's told me his story a dozen times to drive home the point that I don't know where I'm going to be in five years. Unfortunately, I'm in a worse place now than where I was five years ago. But I still believe in the point he was trying to make.

    That's all I wanted to say. I sincerely wish you well, and hope you eventually get what you need.
  13. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    Thank you, Rocketpop09 for saying something I haven't heard before. Honestly I got so sick of my therapist always trying to force me to get medication, it's not a chemical imbalance I am suffering from, it's circumstantial depression based on everything that not only I've been through. But not escaping the place that has caused me the pain in the first place. There was one month I wasn't here, I was with my ex that I met online, and for that month before he threw me away. I was pretty much normal, aside from the breakdowns every time I realized I was going to have to leave him and go back to this place. And my anxiety and fear of people was easier to cope with during that time because I thought I was loved and accepted, I thought for once I had a place I belonged and it was okay if other people didn't like me. That month was probably the happiest time of my entire life, happier than my childhood, he didn't treat me the best. But considering my lack of knowledge about normal life, and how I should be treated, I thought it was heaven.

    I know that medication isn't going to change it. I know what needs to happen, but since I'm stuck in this situation, alone. I can't do it. I want to leave here, but I know my limits, I can't do college, I can't do a high stress job, and I can't be alone and unloved. And yet it's impossible that I can find what I need before it's too late. Medication won't make me able to adjust to society, I'll still believe everything I believe, until things are proven different. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy didn't help me at all, talking about my pain and the past didn't help me either, because I'm still in the situation that caused me to feel this way and believe these things. Even if I take medication and go to therapy, I'll just come home to the same paranoid mother who will tell me how horrible the world is, and complain about my verbally abusive father and how we're going to lose the house because he's losing his disability income soon because the company is corrupt. I'll still come home to the house with all my bad memories, the memories of me crying myself to sleep since I was 6, begging my parents to let me go to school, my father yelling that he'd hit me if I didn't stop crying so he could sleep. Hushing myself underneath my blankets, while I tried to stop crying, learning how to cry silently so no one would hear. Keeping quiet about the neglect, my parents threatening that if I told I'd end up like one of those people from the movies where the foster kids get abused and raped. I can't get better when I am here. I know it. I'm not stupid. Maybe if I got out of here and still felt miserable and unable to function then medication and therapy would make sense to me. But it doesn't because I'm still here, in the place that messed me up, and made my life hell.
  14. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I like what Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins has to say about depression: "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
  15. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i just wanted to say i'm sorry you were abused so terribly as a child. what they did to you, and are doing to you, is awful. you deserve so much better.
  16. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    My birthday is in 25 days, I don't think I'm going to make it. My birthday is the one time I break down so easily, add that onto what I've been going through recently and I don't think I am going to make it. This year I will end up spending just like all the other years, only I don't think I'll be able to make it through, I'll start off trying to remain strong, but then it'll get to me. I keep panicking every day thinking about it, these may very well be the last 25 days of my life. I wish I didn't have to spend my birthday alone, I wish someone could save me from myself and this place.

    Every birthday in my life has been pure misery, I got to hate my birthday at a young age. I honestly dread the very thought of my birthday. On my "sweet" 16th birthday my father yelled and swore at me until I went and planted a good 60-90 tomatoes and peppers in the garden, tilling the soil and all. He complained it needed to be done right then and there even though he had just bought the plants the day before and they looked fine. He stayed in a bad mood that day, I stayed in my room crying after that, I was so suicidal and no one was there for me. Anyone who knew it was my birthday online was like "Happy Birthday? So what did you get? What are you going to do today?" I couldn't tell them I just planted so many plants and tilled the soil, and was exhausted and horribly depressed and wanted to kill myself.

    I remember the year before last year my sister thought "It'll be good to bring you to an amusement park as a gift" but then I payed for almost all of my admission when I was broke as it was, and then she deserted me for her friends, leaving me the person who is terrified of people alone in an amusement park filled with people. It got so bad I started crying on a bench, I sat there hours, waiting for them to have their fun, to make it worse I was their "purse holder." So they got to go have fun while I sat crying with their purses, it looked so pathetic some random stranger asked if I was okay. I lied and forced a smile and said "I'm fine, just waiting for some friends that went to the bathroom." After hours of that I then lied and said I wasn't hungry so I wouldn't have to pay the money I didn't have in order to eat. I lied so well I didn't even take leftovers even though I was starving and felt like I was going to pass out since I hadn't ate that day. While my sister went off and had fun I was waiting at every ride for them, I couldn't go off on my own because I was their official purse holder. So even if I ever got up the nerve to want to go at least to the haunted house I couldn't because if I was gone their purses would be gone.

    Sorry for the long rant. I just... I don't know how I am going to make it through another bad year, another day alone on my birthday, no friends, no loving family, no nothing. I thought it was bad enough when my ex and best friend forgot my birthday even though I had begged them to be online so I wouldn't be alone. I'm going to probably lose it and I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from committing suicide. When I get that depressed, I just lose all control over myself, and I just have one desire, to just die. I wish there was some way to stop this from happening, but I'm pretty sure in 25 days I'll end up dead.
  17. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    I didn't want to post a reply, but I've been really suicidal and depressed and really need someone to understand and talk to. Today I had to remove my old best friend from my friendslists because he was just causing me to be suicidal, we had been friends for 3 years, and he changed and started to not care about our friendship. And I'm really hurting right now, and I need some help, because my birthday is coming I have my monthly so my hormones are completely out of whack and I feel so miserable. I just really need someone. I'm sorry if I'm not suppose to double post.
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    don't be sorry i understand i hate birthdays too i spent mine alone and work it this year acutally work was good as i was kept busy didn't have to think Whenis your birthday sorry if you posted it i did n't see. you can come here and talk to me if you want you can talk in chat Why don't you do something special just for you that day make appt to get your hair done go out to a special eatery get a massage something just for you okay YOU make your day special spend it talking to people around you where you get your hair done where you get a massage where you go out and eat My girl went sky diving on her birthday something she will always remember do something speicial for you okay don't wait for someone else to do it YOU look after YOu okay hugs to you Youare special and your deserve to have something nice on your birthday buy it for you okay hugs
  19. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    My birthday is May 9th, and that's approaching quickly and I get more and more scared about what I am going to do to cope.

    Honestly not much can cheer me up, I don't like shopping, I don't like going outside or eating at shops or buying things from shops. And I don't have money to waste on myself, I have to save up whatever money I have to try and escape my bad situation. So I've been denying myself my wants and trying to just settle with things I absolutely can't hold off buying, like new shoes when my old ones start to hurt my feet. Etc... I don't really have something that will make my birthday better. What I really want is to have someone to hug on my birthday, someone to hang out with, and not be alone. But, I have no offline friends and no online friends that are nearby. I don't need anything special, I just don't want to be alone. I don't go to a salon or anything, I'm too scared of people, and I don't leave the house really except for grocery shopping. So I'm at a loss of what to do so I won't have to be alone.

    Ugh... I'm so hopeless. I'm actually pondering buying sleeping pills and taking them to sleep through my birthday so I can just pretend it didn't happen. Does anyone know of good sleeping pills that would be able to help me just sleep through the entire day?
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i think you should come here on may 9 then and talk to us you can pm me if you want okay i slept my birthday away the morning anyways but when i was awake i came to SF and talk to people i didn't feel so alone then i think you should come and spend some time here in chat or on the forum okay You won't be alone then hugs and more hugs to you okay
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