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i want to experience life, and yet...

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i have hopes and dreams for the future. there is so much i want to experience. i want the girlfriend, and the fun things we can do together. i want the house, family and white picket fence. i want the loving wife. i want to experience the feeling of having my first child, and seeing the look on my parents faces when i tell them they are going to become grandparents. i want the family trips to disneyland.

i don't want anything extraordinary. all i want is to get married and raise a family of my own.

and yet, here i am. i'm stalled in life. unemployed and broke. i've never had a female express interest in me. i consider myself to be physically repulsive to the opposite sex. i am below average height, skinny, ugly. no self esteem or confidence. approaching a woman for a date is an impossibility for me. i just cannot do it.

there is just so much that i want to experience in the world, but i can't shake the nagging urge to just end it all. my life right now is terrible. i'm 25, i'm broke, out of work, have no friends, and i just can't find it inside myself to pull myself out of this hole.

god, i just cannot take a life alone. i am so scared. so scared of being alone forever. that's how i see my future. alone and broken. i have promised myself that i would end it on my 30th birthday if there is no hope in sight. when i get the boughts of depression i feel that it would just be easier to do it right now and not prolong the suffering.

i'm not really looking for help or advice, although if anyone has any that's fine. i just needed to vent.
I can empathize with how you are feeling. Have you talked to anyone about this? a doctor, counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist even? I know it is often hard to take that step, but just talking face to face with someone helps a lot.
We all wish for companionship, and not to sound dorky and predictable, but you will find it. You can't rush happiness, it just kind of happens...

hope you have a better day tomorrow :)
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