I want to feel clean again... Tigger? Maybe if your easily?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by JustFirefly, Aug 17, 2011.

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  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    this feeling...
    so.. for anyone that doesnt know i was with my exex gf for 3 years. Things happaned.. Anyways...


    I Feel so dirty.. Some nights i shower for hours and hours, the feeling never really goes away. if anything it feels Worse after some night Worse... Memories come back at random. Triggering things happen out of nowhere. Funny, im almost scared of that word. Almost... But it also lures me (sounds whacky). TBh i am at the point of insanity.

    Everynight, i dream of it. Every night i scream for help. Its been a year and a half since i dated her. Every god forsaken night. The cravings. Ive stopped eating because some of the dreams lately, its been about a month since ive eaten a FULL meal.. but only 39 hours since ive eaten anything at all ( had 4 crackers yesterday :D Yummm ) But thats not the point. The point is im having issues... Dealing with everything.
    Is it normal for me to feel so... So nasty that i want to shower for hours.. that these dreams... These flashbacks... Reliving it.. over and over and over... I feel like i live in the past, my minds back there more then it is right here. Im trying not to go back to the bedroom we shared, to my hell... to the chamber... But my thoughts slowly slip back. And it gets to the point where no where is safe.

    Any girl, Anywhere could be someone trying to hurt me... I find myself closing off.. And as i try to bring back repressed memories i find myself more likely to cut. More likely to try something... Suicide thoughts go in my head.

    The words worthless, pathetic, ugly, dirty, shameful, weak, unloved, destroyed, and broken all crawl though my skin, they crawl... Literally i feel them moving, and scratching and cutting is the only way to get them out...

    Her Abuse might be out of my life... But i relive it... and i abuse myself enough to make up for it...
    Along with my family abuse i went through... I feel like no one is trusted...

    Even here, Still with all the love and care im given, its tough to post anything where anyone can see it... i have the weirdest stories.. i want to share them but cant because of the very nature of what i went through...

    Being thrown down stairs was considered a good day with my dad...
    And being raped once in 2-3 days was considered a good run with my ex ex gf...




    It... Never.... leaves... my... Mind....


    I dont know how to live... i dont know how to make it to the next day... eating me day in day out. I go 4-5 days without sleeping in UTTER terror.. then sleep away a day in nightmares... wake up paralyzed... Tears... The whole shabang...




    What hurts the most is....





    i dont feel like i can be loved ever again... Thats what i crave. love.. I want someone to hug me and kiss me... look me in the eyes and tell me... it will be alright. Your not alone.. and no one will ever hurt you again... I want to be able to Trust their words. Follow them into the darkness.. and come out in the light.. I want these things to end finally... I want this monster gone... Please.. i beg god can he end this torment? End my life if not? I am tired of this game in my head. Of cat and mouse, and im always caught, played with till i beg for death... Unable to move...

    Maybe soon ill feel the love of a cold blade... maybe soon everything will be alright -sigh-

    I dont know... Im just trying to get some of my emotions out... some of these feelings.. This pent up... everything.. And im to scared to post anything usually... Im really comming out of my shell..

    I feel.. Utterly alone... Help...?

    I want... To tell someone what happened.. All of it... All 234234 pages and pages of it.. So maybe i wont be alone, someone who knows... Someone who can help. but i dont think i can
     
  2. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I know what it is like to feel less then clean and feel powerless to remove the filth.

    We all crave that human connection. That connection and realism that lets us know that we are as irreplaceable to someone else as they are to us.

    I go through times where I want to spill my guts. Times where I want to tell my story in all its drawn out and graphic detail. I have told my story in writing a few times and I still felt rather alone afterward.

    I want you to know that I know what you are going through. I really do.

    You are always welcome to inbox me. :hug:
     
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Those words do not decribe you, the words 'abuse survivor', 'courageous' - these are more appropriate.

    Please eat, if you can. I have no help for you on how to do so but please try, starving yourself will not change things.

    Can you write it all out, would that help? Knowing you can read through it if you need to might help. Getting your thoughts out of your head.

    As for self harm, there are ways such as pens, slivers of ice that can feel 'good' but are much safer and leave no scar.

    YOur life has been pain-filled but now you can take control.
     
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