I've been depressed for 8 years. I've been on medication for 4 years. I've been battling severe depression and I'm currently going through a depression episode. Because of this episode I left college. I was very suicidal, I've been feeling less suicidal. Because I know that I won't commit suicide. I just don't have the guts to kill myself. Suicide for me is unrealistic. I know it's not my environment or situation that is making me feel depressed. Because I have a nice house to live in, I have food, and I don't have problems to worry about. No work and no school. If I have nothing to worry about, no stress, WHY DO I FEEL INSANE. Most of the day I spend my time distracting myself from my life and distracting myself from thinking. But thinking is inevitable. So the times I think about my life I feel so ashamed of what I've become. I've stopped my life because I am not strong enough. I am weak. And I am sick. I know that it's "not my fault" and I feel this way because of my depression. I just want these feelings to go away. All the negative thoughts I have and all the craziness in my mind. I am in mental and emotional pain all the time and I feel pathetic. P A T H E T I C. Because I feel like being depressed isn't a good enough reason. I feel like being depressed is pathetic. Even writing this, how I feel, is making me frustrated and confused about my life. I'm just constantly uncertain about everything. I am so uncomfortable with the way I feel and my life. I keep on thinking about things I've done in that past which at the time I was proud of, but now I'm just so ashamed and wish I could take everything back. I wish I could just press the refresh or clear button for my life. I wish I could forget everything. I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to try anymore. I've given up and, but I know that I can't give up because if I am stuck on this earth, I have to try. I know that I have to live so I want to live as comfortably and as happy as I can. In order for that to happen, I have to try. I have to try to feel happy and I have to try to control my depression. But I DON'T want to. But I HAVE to. But I'm tired of trying. But I have to try. I always think why. Why am I so depressed. Why do I feel like this. But actually I don't want to know why. I don't want to know why I feel the way I do. I don't want to understand my depression. I just want it all to be gone. I'm trying to stay in the present, and I'm trying to think about now and not about the future and not about the past. But the past and future is all I think about. And it drives me CRAZY. It drives me insane. What makes me feel insane? My own thoughts. I am making myself feel this way. If my brain is making my feelings and making me feel depressed, then why can't I feel happy? I just don't understand why I feel this way. I am forcing myself to live day after day and I am suffering day after day. I am trying to control my depression, but it's just taken over. I am only living because I am "not allowed" to die. I am only living for others.