I just can't fucking deal with this shit anymore. I feel like everything in my life is failing. Even my pathetic attempts at knitting (which usually soothe my nerves) isn't working, my movie won't play, the cold weather has fucked with my guitar so I can't tune it properly.... EVERYTHING I try to make myself calm down is fucked up! I can feel myself getting more and more hysterical without being able to do anything, and I'm afraid that I'm going to either cut myself or kill myself. I'm trying so fucking hard to quit. I don't want to die. I know that. But I want to give up. I want to get out of my life, get out of this bullshit. I need a major change. I thought school would be like that--I thought that going away to college would be a change, and a change would be good for me. Now I'm just way fucking out of my comfort zone and I can't focus and every time I get into one of these fucking places in my head there's nothing I can turn to. I can't even fucking cry because I'd be embarrassed in front of my roommate. I just want to be someone else. I'm my own problem and no amount of out of state colleges or homework procrastination is going to change how shitty I feel. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I just want to rest. I just want it to be over and done with. And I want someone to look at me. Really look at me, and notice me; I'm always invisible. None of my "friends" really know me--the only one that does doesn't have time for me and lives five states away and I don't know how to let anybody else in. I just... I know this is long. I'm sorry. It's all fucking stupid. I just... I want someone to care, and I want to give up.