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I want to give up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by messedupmarionette, Oct 27, 2008.

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  1. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    I just can't fucking deal with this shit anymore. I feel like everything in my life is failing. Even my pathetic attempts at knitting (which usually soothe my nerves) isn't working, my movie won't play, the cold weather has fucked with my guitar so I can't tune it properly.... EVERYTHING I try to make myself calm down is fucked up! I can feel myself getting more and more hysterical without being able to do anything, and I'm afraid that I'm going to either cut myself or kill myself. I'm trying so fucking hard to quit.

    I don't want to die. I know that. But I want to give up. I want to get out of my life, get out of this bullshit. I need a major change. I thought school would be like that--I thought that going away to college would be a change, and a change would be good for me. Now I'm just way fucking out of my comfort zone and I can't focus and every time I get into one of these fucking places in my head there's nothing I can turn to. I can't even fucking cry because I'd be embarrassed in front of my roommate. I just want to be someone else. I'm my own problem and no amount of out of state colleges or homework procrastination is going to change how shitty I feel. Everything is spiraling out of control, and I just want to rest. I just want it to be over and done with. And I want someone to look at me. Really look at me, and notice me; I'm always invisible. None of my "friends" really know me--the only one that does doesn't have time for me and lives five states away and I don't know how to let anybody else in. I just... I know this is long. I'm sorry. It's all fucking stupid. I just... I want someone to care, and I want to give up.
  2. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    Hey :) I just wanted to start off with saying that your letting us in :). Im prob one of the worst for wording things so sorry if it comes out wrong. I know your going through a huge change right now, i mean, moving away from home, having to make new friends, a new environment... almost like having to start a new life. In a way that's how you can look at it, starting a new life. I remember i was nervous as hell when i first got to college. After the first week tho, i decided to let go of my ambitions and just meet people and see where it leads me. That year ended up being the best year for me (subsequent years not so good, but that's another story). Just like me, I find that when one huge thing overwealms me, all the little things also add up and suddenly it seems like a huge problem you cant escape and every little thing that could go wrong does. All it takes tho is to get over that hurdle and then your ok again. I could be wrong but i think that hurdle for you is suddenly being in this new situation and not knowing what to do. Id say let go of your inibitions and find some people you find interesting and start to hang out with them. You also said you had a roomate... roomates usually can make really good roomates if you can find where you 2 click. Also just know that even on here your making new friends already :). Id like to say it's easy to overcome everything and in no means am i saying it is... but it is possible :).
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with lost43215,
    You have written your thoughts and they (in my book) hit home. You are going thru some major changes and it's your choice to hang on to the past, or move forward and get out and socialize. Hell try hanging out with your roomate and maybe you will find some new friends.
    You could go to the student union and ask about clubs you could join, maybe even see a school counselor and get recommendations. You have to make the effort, no one is going to do it for you. If you think about it, there are probably several students just as scared as you are. Take Care!~Joseph~
  4. isoko49

    isoko49 Member

    ((((hugs)))) In a way I feel the same, but with kids rather than college. I thought that life would be so much better as a mum playing all day at home with kids. But here I am on suicideforum so obviously things aren't going as I'd hoped.

    As the others have said, you're going through some major life changes and it sounds like they're not working out as planned. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Is there a tutor or counsellor you can talk to about your schoolwork - maybe a different course would be better or maybe drop out for the rest of the year and try something else. It's hard to be away from home and friends, especially when it's just that one good friend you can talk to. Can you arrange a long weekend visit or anything like that? Even a phonecall to catch up?

    I hope you can calm down enough without your usual activities. I've given up on knitting right now because my hands shake too much and it's a real downer not being able to do that or my tapestries. Is there any kind of clubs you can join? That helped me when I went to University - was scared sh&tless the first time but then loved going along and met my husband there. And now I've joined a creative writing group each Friday and it really helps, just having those 2 hours with a few people sharing similar interests. I wouldn't call any of them friends, but we get along for the time we need to and it's nice to know they'll be there again the following week.

    Please take care and I hope things get better for you soon.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Going away to college is so damn stressful...is there any one person you can choose to 'test out' someone as a confidant to see if you can tell him/her a little more as you get closer...also, at the NYState schools there is excellent counseling services that might be of help...and of course we are here..please continue to let us know how things are going...there are many of us here who truly understand...big hugs, J
  6. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    Thanks you guys. This is really nice. I've been at school for about two months now, and there is one girl that I feel rather close to, but it's... I dunno. She's really fucked up too, and while she says she'd be here for me I have a hard time believing it.

    As far as a break or a long weekend, while it sounds amazing, it's not realistic. Most of my classes have a 2 class cushion for if you get sick, but if you miss more than two it's taken out of your grade, and that would just make things worse.

    I've been to the counseling center, and I really like the guy that I've seen, but I can only see him once every 2.5 weeks or so. I'm afraid to go off-campus because I'm so damn busy that I'd probably forget, and insurance is a pain in the ass, and I'd hate to pay money just to find out that nothing's wrong with me and I need to just suck it up.

    As far as my friend back home... he has better things to worry about. He's probably about to die from his own stress (and reminds me of that every time I talk to him) and my bullshit isn't going to help him at all.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey MUM,
    Just thought I would check in with you and see if there are any positive changes since I last posted. Are you starting to loosen up a little? How are things going with your roommate? Is the counselor you were seeing helping you to find things to get you out there and socialize?
    I hope things are starting to turn around for you!! I remember someone in the other posts mention getting a tutor to help you get your grades up. I give you alot of credit for just going to college. I never finished high school because I just couldn't focus. When I think back the only class I was doing good in was shorthand. Amazing I could retain that but couldn't remember squat about the other classes. Me getting high everyday probably had alot to do with it!!!I hope the best for you and don't give up!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
  8. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    Joseph--thanks for the concern... Not much has changed, unfortunately. I have a few friends, but it's all pretty superficial. I have another appointment with the counselor tomorrow, and hopefully that'll help a little bit. As far as a tutor, I'm not having that much trouble understanding my courses, and I'm good with time management--I just get into these places in my mind where the idea of doing something (even if it's something that I can do without much trouble) is just so overwhelming it makes me want to cry. I will go to a tutor when I find a subject that I struggle with the subject, but right now I'm just fighting because I can't take the homework on an emotional level.... does that make sense?

    The one thing that has changed is that I was having a really supremely shitty day recently and I was with the one girl here I feel close to. I didn't think she'd pick up on it, but she's more intuitive than I gave her credit for. She was amazingly sweet, and managed to actually make me feel better--something that everybody else seems to find impossible. She's really wonderful, and we've been getting closer, and I feel like I might have a chance at actually having a real friendship... which is very exciting.
  9. rootedphoenix

    rootedphoenix Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear that you have a potential new friend. That is indeed very exciting. :hug: I hope things continue to look up, and don't hesitate to come back here if you need sympathetic ears.

    I get overwhelmed all the time myself. It's good to know I'm not alone in this, even though I wish neither one of us felt that way.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2008
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