I want to give up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DrkZ90, Feb 6, 2011.

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  1. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    what's the point of life and living longer, other than making you suffer and go through incrementally worse stuff? It's been 7 years now since this shit started, and almost 6 since the first time the idea of suicide crossed my mind for the first time... in that time I've done everything I could think of to change what I think makes me feel so miserable, but in the end nothing worked... everything I tried backfired, and made everything worse.

    Why did I have to be born?
    Why did I have to live here?
    Why did I have to be gay?
    Why do I have to be so fucking ugly?
    Why everyone treats me like a worthless tool?

    Nobody really knows me, and nobody has ever cared to... my so-called "friends" just use me as some sort of tool, that they can toss away when they don't need... making new friends made no difference, since they eventually start treating me the same way. Some of them (specially the ones I once felt the closest to, the ones I lvoed the most) can spend months without talking to me, and as soon as they need something to me they talk to me, ask for whatever they need, and then disappear again. Nobody loves or will love me either, so what's the point?.

    I can't stand this any longer... there's a lot more to it that I'm leaving out because I simply can't think about it, without completely breaking down... I feel so useless and worthless right now... I don't want to keep living, I don't want to have to wake up every morning to see another bit of me die, to see how unlikely or completely impossible yet another one of my dreams is... I don't want to be yelled at ever again, I don't want to be called names or anything like that ever.... I don't wanna feel any more.

    I'm just a giant time bomb... I already have some concrete plans, but I lack a date... given how things are, might as well be today, not like anyone will care anyway.

    I think the only reason I'm not dead yet is because I lack a way to get done with this... I could try again, but I already failed with what I have (thankfully nobody noticed)... I need a gun, I'm actually saving up for one.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2011
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It must be really hard for you at the moment. Have you spoke to anyone before about how you feel? X
     
  3. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    online? yes... to someone I know in real life? never, although I did try to reach out more than once to one of my so-called friends, and all I got was being laughed at and ignored.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi have you tried to talk to a professional about how you are feeling a councillor a therapist someone who can help you heal some hugs:hugtackles:
     
  5. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    no. I'm too afraid to do that, and I don't want to be put on pills for fake happiness either... I'm just a mess...
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am meds and it is not a fake happiness it is getting the chemical corrected in my brain where they should be so i am not so depressed I too fought the idea of meds for months but then i was at a point like you and had no other options but to try and i can say you still are the same person just more control of you thoughts or your emotions no fake happiness just less pain hugs
     
  7. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    I'm still not so sure... meds wouldn't change anything in the end... it won't make people treat me better or anything like that, it will only numb me down and I'm not so sure that's a good thing...
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Meds do not numb you down either hun if they do that you are getting to high a dose Meds will help you cope that all and help you face some of the sadness a bit better It will give you the strength to get out amongst people more
    the ability to pehaps trust a bit more and be less anxious that all It actually makes me feel like the real me like i use to be hugs
     
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey there,
    Total eclipse is right about the meds takeing care of any imbalance.. Just be aware that some meds make you tired until you get them in your system..Therapy can help alot..Therapists don't prescibe meds they just help to teach you coping skills..
     
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Meds can be really useful. They can lift you just enough so you think in a more positive way and therefore things become more positive. It's not fake or false happiness. Not anti-depressants anyway. It doesn't put anything in to you just stops certain hormones being re-uptaken.

    1 in 3 people a doctor sees is because of a mental health problem. Don't worry about going as they are used to it. And even though they are used to it, if you have a good doctor they don't trivilise your problem. They understand that to you it's really important and so to them it becomes important also.

    It may not be necessary that you go on meds. Your doc may suggest therapy.

    Have you thought about support groups. You are bound to find people in similar positions to yourself. I don't know where you are from but look at gumtree which is really good. You will find all sorts of people who are new to areas etc and are looking to meet new friends or find gym buddies or exercise buddies and so forth.

    x
     
  11. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    I still don't know... I do know for a fact, that trying to get professional help is bound to bring me even more pain... someone is bound to find out, and will make my life miserable, I'll never hear the end of it.

    Besides, my parents would more certainly find out too... and that would make everything a thousand times worse.
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur parents would want to help you they would want you happy not like this give them a chance to help you i would want to know if my child was suffering and i have done everything in my power to bring her the help she needs to cope to heal give your parents that chance okay
     
  13. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    I'm a he btw. And believe me, I have more than 1 reason to not trust them with this, and to know that it would only make matters worse.
     
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry iwas not calling you she it is my daughter i was I am sorry you cannot confide in your parents please youhave to find someone to talk to a teacher coucilor someone that you do trust then okay
     
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