what's the point of life and living longer, other than making you suffer and go through incrementally worse stuff? It's been 7 years now since this shit started, and almost 6 since the first time the idea of suicide crossed my mind for the first time... in that time I've done everything I could think of to change what I think makes me feel so miserable, but in the end nothing worked... everything I tried backfired, and made everything worse. Why did I have to be born? Why did I have to live here? Why did I have to be gay? Why do I have to be so fucking ugly? Why everyone treats me like a worthless tool? Nobody really knows me, and nobody has ever cared to... my so-called "friends" just use me as some sort of tool, that they can toss away when they don't need... making new friends made no difference, since they eventually start treating me the same way. Some of them (specially the ones I once felt the closest to, the ones I lvoed the most) can spend months without talking to me, and as soon as they need something to me they talk to me, ask for whatever they need, and then disappear again. Nobody loves or will love me either, so what's the point?. I can't stand this any longer... there's a lot more to it that I'm leaving out because I simply can't think about it, without completely breaking down... I feel so useless and worthless right now... I don't want to keep living, I don't want to have to wake up every morning to see another bit of me die, to see how unlikely or completely impossible yet another one of my dreams is... I don't want to be yelled at ever again, I don't want to be called names or anything like that ever.... I don't wanna feel any more. I'm just a giant time bomb... I already have some concrete plans, but I lack a date... given how things are, might as well be today, not like anyone will care anyway. I think the only reason I'm not dead yet is because I lack a way to get done with this... I could try again, but I already failed with what I have (thankfully nobody noticed)... I need a gun, I'm actually saving up for one.