I want to give up

This feels quite pointless. I don't know why I'm reaching out for help - I don't think that there is anyone who can help. The pain I feel seems to be endless. I don't remember what it feels like to be happy, to get up in the morning looking forward to the day, to have a heart that doesn't bleed, to be free of pain. I have the means and I have a plan, but I want to wait for just one week. That should be enough to get things tidy so I don't leave a mess behind me. Only, I don't think that I can wait that long. It seems like an eternity. I had a life once, but becoming mentally ill stripped me of it. My kids will have nothing to do with me because I'm ill. Mental illness does not exist, according to them and to my ex, and I should snap out of it, stop looking for attention, grow up and get a life.... I'm sure that you get the picture. I have tried so hard over the last year and a half to put myself back together, and I've failed miserably. I just want the pain to stop and to find peace. The only peace that I know of is the peace of the grave. I want to go there so badly. The pills sing to me so sweetly of peace.

 

I'm so sorry that your family doesn't take your illness seriously...we know that you aren't doing anything for attention. I have to deal with negative opinions a lot too, and it can really hurt. You said nothing can help, well maybe we can help you here. Just keep talking to us and please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

 

Thanks, Christy. It means a great deal to me that there is someone who understands and cares.

 

Hi Virgo,
Please keep talking to us and don't give up on yourself.. :hug:

 

Tell me more about yourself. Your work, your family. I'm interested in getting to know you more and maybe just talking. I'm new to this site as well. A close friend of mine just lost her friend of 25 to suicide. I want to understand you more and why you feel this is the only option left. My name is Brad by the way, what's yours?

 

I think that you are going through a great deal and carrying a heavy burden. Please don't allow the uninformed opinions of others, even loved ones, to influence your thinking in a negative direction. They don't know any better because they themselves have not felt your, and our, pain. I know that you can see this through. If can do so, then you can do so, and perhaps even better!

 

I was divorced 13 years ago after my ex had an affair and walked out. I was a single mother of 5 kids for 15 years. 18 months ago I had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with BPII, BPD and MDD. I've been in and out of hospitals after suicide attempts ever since then. There are no cures for my disorders, only meds to control them - and I haven't found the right meds yet. My father was absent. My mother was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. I can still hear her voice. I look in the mirror and I loathe what I see looking back. I need to be dead. I can't live with what I am any more. I cannot see any other option.

 

It may seem like things are hopeless but I guarantee there are others who have had it worse and have fought through it and found happiness. It is all up to you, you have to find strength in yourself because you are the ultimate source of your own happiness.

The stoic philosopher Epictetus taught that you affect the good and bad in your own life by how you perceive each situation and how you choose to judge its meaning. This idea has been overly simplified in the commonly used phrase "the glass is either half full or half empty" but has essentially the same implication. Epictetus wrote:

"Remember that what is insulting is not the person who abuses you or hits you, but the judgment about them that they are insulting".

Viktor Frankl wrote the famous book Man's Search For Meaning about his time in the concentration camps and how he was able to find meaning even in the most desperate circumstances.

"We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."

He developed the psychology field of logotherapy "will to meaning". He believed that striving to find meaning is the most powerful motivating and driving force for humans.

Orient yourself towards a goal, or something you wish to accomplish and keep your mind on the positive rather than the negative in your life, this is the only way to find happiness and peace. Not through killing yourself, but through persisting through the struggle to find one's own purpose and meaning which is the core of our humanity.

 

It doesn't help me to tell me that others have had it worse and made it. It feels as though you are telling me that what I feel isn't a good enough reason for suicide. Each one of us has our own breaking point, and what may not push you over the edge may push me there. The only reason that I'm still here is because I focus on the positive whenever I'm able to do so. I also set goals. I rarely manage to get very far with them because, underneath the positive attitude, is the depression, just waiting to bite. If I were able to choose my own attitudes, don't you think that I would? Do you honestly think that I choose to feel the way I do? The pain, the depression, the suicidality and all the rest are not so attractive that I would voluntarily keep them. I don't need happiness, just peace. And that, for me, can be found in death.

 

It doesn't help me to tell me that others have had it worse and made it. It feels as though you are telling me that what I feel isn't a good enough reason for suicide. Each one of us has our own breaking point, and what may not push you over the edge may push me there. The only reason that I'm still here is because I focus on the positive whenever I'm able to do so. I also set goals. I rarely manage to get very far with them because, underneath the positive attitude, is the depression, just waiting to bite. If I were able to choose my own attitudes, don't you think that I would? Do you honestly think that I choose to feel the way I do? The pain, the depression, the suicidality and all the rest are not so attractive that I would voluntarily keep them. I don't need happiness, just peace. And that, for me, can be found in death.

 

Keep focusing on your goals and ignore the suicidal/depressive stuffs.. :hug: try.. I know it's hard but you need to try to focus on reaching your goals and don't allow the negative things to control you.. :hug: