I want to go...but I want to stay

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ZillaBoom, Feb 16, 2014.

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  1. ZillaBoom

    ZillaBoom New Member

    At this stage in my life I can honestly say I can't think of anything I have to live for, I know that might seem a little over the top considering I'm 23 and most if you will probably say iv got the rest of my life to look forward to, but let me first tell you my story, if you don't want to get bored and read on I'll understand, for some reason I tend to write quite a bit when I talking on a forum, but I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

    So a little about me, I'm 23, male from the UK living in Manchester.

    All my life iv kind of been a loaner, iv stuck to myself and not really had many friends and the few friends I do manage to get I feel like I'm pushing them away, mainly because I feel like I'm a bit of a mooch, my family has always been poor and whenever my friends would give me something id always reject it because I knew I wouldn't be able to return the favour.

    When I was around 9 my parents split, my mum has tried suicide a few times, even with me and my sister in the room, when I was about 7, me and my sister was sat on my mums bed talking to her while she was lying down, next thing I know she set the bed on fire, then when I was about 11 it was me and her in her house alone watching a film when she got up, walked into the kitchen and downed 2 bottles of pain killers, was pretty scary for me as at that age I knew what it would have done to her, so I had to call the Ambulance and go to hospital with her, after she got her stomach pumped she whispered to me "I hate you", which has always stuck with me.

    Always, even thought my mum and dad we're together from me being 0-9, the only memory's I have of my mother is either her being passed out of the couch from being drunk or from her being passed out in the pub for being drunk, from the age of 7-8 I actually lived in a pub and she was drunk 24/7.

    So I practically grew up without a mum and after she left it was just me, my dad & 3 sister, and me being the youngest was often forgot about and didn't really have that "mother figure", someone to tell me to go to bed, brush my teeth and all the other things kids take for granted.

    So now, 23 years old and nobody to tell me to brush my teeth, I have horrible teeth, at around the age of 13 I realized I was getting bad teeth, but by that point it was to late, I can never smile to people and hate talking to them, which would explain why I am so socially awkward, I hate going out of the house, even though their is nothing I would love more than to go out and meet people, make friends.

    From the ages of 15-19 I was in college, spent the first year doing IT which I loved but sadly wasn't good enough to go onto level 2, then I spent 3 years doing mechanics, which is strange because I hate cars and even though iv passed all 3 levels I don't know a single thing about them.

    At the moment bad teeth and social problems aren't the worst of my problems, after leaving college I spent 4 years unemployed and on JSA, till they realized I wasn't actually looking for work due to my social problems, so they kicked me off JSA and was without money for a few months, so I had to get a few loans to keep me and my dad afloat ( oh yea, I'm 23 and still live with my dad ).

    But a couple of month ago ( October 2013 ), I actually made some progress with my social problems and got a job at a factory where I have to where a face mask, which means nobody can see me smile or laugh, which it great, but recently I had to start paying rent on the house, and the rent itself is actually more than what I make in a week, and it's only a 2 bed counsel house, as of writing this I'm at the stage where i can even afford cat food, iv just had to lend £13 off my sister just so I can afford to go to work next week

    so that's my little story, I'm on the edge of what I can take and really could use some advice, I feel it's the time to ask for help and because of my social problems I feel the only way to get help is behind a keyboard, iv social problems are that bad that I can't even go to my doctor and tell him about my social problems.
  2. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about even seeing a doctor. I have seen many but that first step is always the hardest. Actually saw one last October and was unable to express myself and so it wasn't until January that I saw one again. I was then able to be honest with him and so I was able to start receiving professional help. I am glad you were able to reach out here and I hope you can find some support here. That is so awful what your mother said, try to not let it haunt you as she was not stable herself. Hang in there and keep trying. Wishing you well.
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