I want to go now.

[HarleyTwin]

My nephew is dying. He's 7 months old and he will most likely be dead within the next two weeks. He's been dying since birth and I've prayed for a miracle, I've even offered to sell my fucking soul to the devil to take back his disease and let him live for my family's sake. To take me instead. To turn Christian, to turn Muslim, whatever fucking religion he'll listen to. I've even threatened, screamed, cried, cut myself. Nothing. How much fucking begging can someone DO???

I am so fucking sick of burying children. I'm so fucking sick of having to bury people PERIOD!!!!! I'm fucking sick of trying to be the best fucking person I can be they way I'm told, the way I'm supposed to because itfeeels right and I'm still being screwed the fuck over. What the hell have I done for him to take all my children and now my only nephew too. I want to fucking know or am I just to assume it's just me and I never shoudl have been born therefore I put a curse on the entire population of infants in my family?

I can't do this anymore. I want to die, I want to stop seeing people dying and children dying because of me. I want to just stop the pain, to stop it all. I have no fucking purpose here but to cause pain to others. I want to be in heaven to hold my children,m to hold my nephew to see him without pain to see him without suffering.

Please, just help me.

 

[IV2010]

I'm so, so sorry...I can understand why you are so upset...nothing could be harder than losing a child...
there is nothing I can say that will make it better but I encourage you to talk to your doctor...get some support...maybe a councelor..to help you through your grief and suicidal thoughts..do you have any support?...
take care....:console::hug:

 

[HarleyTwin]

On top of everything else...I have agoraphobia, so not only can I not see a doctor because I'm too wimpy and chicken-shit to leave my house, that's ALL my shrink focuses on. When we found out about my nephew, she didn't want me to talk about it, when things got worse, she didn't want to talk about it. When my fiancee died in January, she didn't want to fucking talk about it.

Problem is, I also can't change shrinks because she's private and I'm not paying for her...the state is. I can't fucking win.

My mom is the most selfish person, and she's all I have. So does she want to sit and talk with me? No, she has a TV show she needs to record, or she hasn't had dinner yet, or they want to go visit her father-in-law. Like what the fucking hell?? You've just found out your grandson will be dead in two week and you can't stay with me for more than 5 fucking MINUTES?

I'm sorry, I'm just not coping as well as I thought I was with this. I'm a fucking mess. I'm so close to physically pulling my heart out with my bare hands, and yet I'm crying so fucking bad it's causing me a panic attack. I can't deal with this anymore. I just want it to be over.

The kicker is though, he's not even biologically her grandson, he's my half brother who we share the same father of (both unpleased about it) yet she keeps CLAIMING she sees him as her nephew but her episode of Bones is more fucking important than the fact her only child (me) is in suicidal tears? I just don't fucking GET IT.

 

[IV2010]

maybe your mum can't deal with the pain and watching tv is her way of coping...denial??
it's a shame she isn't supportive...have you told her you're suicidal?
could you pick a time when she's not watching her shows and ask her to sit down and talk to you...
I reckon you need to change shrinks...if she's treating you that way you have every right to ask for a different one...doesn't matter if it's govt. funded or not..you have the right to descent counceling...a psychologist or councelor seem to have more time to talk than a shrink...
don't hurt yourself....get help before you go that far...call a doctor.. get yourself off to the hospital.....if you can't get out then call the ambulance...
stay safe..

 

[HarleyTwin]

I wish beyond anything I could give her that excuse, but no. She's always like that. She is just a flat-out selfish person. It something is in the way of something she would rather be doing, it's shoved to the side and forgotten about pretty much, unless she uses it to gain sympathy, or monentary benefit.

What really irks me though, is that my mom is the only support I have that isn't online. My best-friend lives in Canada, and she's helping me as much as she can, but she doesn't deal with any type of death well, so I prefer not to bother her with it.

It's been a shitty year, I lost my fiancee to a heart attack January, last month I had to put my barely 6-year-old cat down, which almost destroyed me, and now this. I lost my own three children between 2002 and 2003, I can't bury another...I just can't. I would rather stand there at the gates and welcome him in my arms than say goodbye to him.

 

[IV2010]

I'm sorry your Mum can't be there for you...
you've had a lot of tragedy to deal with..so much pain and grief...
I know you said you have agorophobia but how about trying to join a grief support group if there's one in your area....talking to others who know your pain could really help..
also lifeline may help...get to talk to a real person.......13 1114
take care..

 

[IV2010]

how you doing today?..