I want to go!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fishman, Mar 27, 2008.

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  1. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    The mental pain is just so much so much potential wasted so many times that could of been happy ruined. I feel like its a bizzare dream I am in designed to hurt me as much as possible. I've taken so much I want a time machine dammit! wheres the happy kid..that was destroyed.
  2. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    You are not destroyed Fishman. That is just a thought that makes you sad. Each day is a new beginning if you allow it.
  3. Falcon0006

    Falcon0006 Well-Known Member

    yes sometimes it feels like god designed us to fail. he makes little stupid things happen and little stupid thoughts enter your head , which no one else get's but you, it is only because of your individuality , as each person is differnet, but sometimes your individuality gets out of hand and you get depressed over it.

    If I knew what life after death was for me, this would be a whole lot easier to cope with.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Fishman...having been where you seem to be, I wanted to send many hugs, to let you know you are cared about...J
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I've written such similar words in my journal many, many times. I'm on disability because of it.

    I feel stuck in a bog of weightiness. A heavy heart, anticipating only more heaviness. I'm wasting my time.
    I ought to be in out-to-do-places, doing things I ought to do. I feel guilty spending a day just reading.
    I ought to get out for walks to clear my foggy mind as much as I'm able.
    I ought to take Viagra more often.
    I ought to play my out of tune piano.
    I ought to be enjoying life rather than struggling against it.
    A wasted existence of ought to.
    I'll write the same thing tomorrow because of my aimless slogging through foggy boggy life. Weighted down with my fears, my fruitless searches for who Jim is. Do I want to know? I know there are things in and about me that I'm agraid to explore. I can't put a finger yet on what those things are. For starters, I fear life, and sense calmness and peace in dying. Perpetual self-hate pervades my mortal existence. I'm still here in spite of myself. I guess "paralyzing melancholy" describes where I am, where I have been.

    The last two days have been calmer and more emotionally peaceful. Lots of turbulence going on beneath the glassy surface of Mirror Lake.

    I feel today in some way like the weather - biting cold wind, blue sky, then sudden snow storm, ending as suddenly. Life is a conundrum with moments of cold calmness to painful storms with predictions of more of the same.

    I'm trying to put off thoughts of harming myself until June at least. Then? We'll see how long I can hold on. It would be great if God would let me die. I'm inexplicably tired, hurting, frustrated, hopeless, helpless as to where my life is headed, if anywhere. Right now, I have no sense of focus, no sense of raison d'etre, except to do all the jobs that need to be done, and that is more than enough to depress me.

    Resonate with you? We do have days of relative calm, and we try to take life one day or one hour at a time. I tell myself that I'll not do anything to harm myself for one day (or some other future goal). My therapist is trying to pound in my head the importance of action. He told me on Tuesday, "Action precedes motivation". Who's motivated to do anything when depressed? I guess he was telling me just to do it even though I'm not motivated. :mad:

    So, lots of us share your feelings of frustration, pain, anger at watching our lives slip away. But then, lots of us are doing what little we can to DO somethings while our lives slip away. I hope you will find meaning in something. There are opportunities all around us. :dry:
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