I want to help the woman that I care about

[interguise]

I met her a year ago, and long before she met me she had many tramatic things happen to her, one of them being rape. She has long since been adjusting to her life, living as best she can, but it seems there are characteristics about her that are unsettling. She is easily prone to having sex when enticed, has a hard time saying no to certain stimulous (alcohol mainly), and an even harder time turning down events that involve her work friends wanting to go out and drink. All of this combined tends to put her in bad situations, and she even tries to hold herself to blame for being in those situations.

Last night, I was talking to her, and she was going over her sexual encounters from this year. She got on the topic of one situation where she was with a friend at some house... her friend was in the other room with the guy she wanted to be with, and she was left in another room with a guy she was not too fond off. the guy and her were pretty drunk, and it seems he got a little forceful. She kept telling me that she was not interested in him, but yet sex happened. Then it dawned on me... "he was forceful?" I said. She then replied "Yes." I then said "well, if you did not want it to happen, and he was forceful, and then it happened... that classifies as rape." Her voice tone then dropped and she quiveringly said "yes I know." I could not beleive what I was hearing... she had to go shortly after that, and she kept saying that she would be fine and that she did want to miss her show. I was hesitant to let her off the phone and tried to keep her talking to me as long as possible, but then I thought that I may need to let her go as I do not want make her feel uncomfortable. When I hung up, I was dumbfounded. She has not been taking care of herself lately, and I have not seen her for almost a year as well. All our communication is by phone, so she will tell me what she wants me to hear. She most likely opened up about her encounters due to guilt of some sort, but when I look back on it, she really does seem to find herself in bad situations. I am worried about her, and she started saying later through text messages that I was over reacting and that "it was not like I was RAPED" or anything. It was like she was now trying to convince me that such a thing was not spoken of earlier. Again, I just do not get what is going through her mind, and I argued that it seemed she regreted telling me this and was now trying to cover up. I want to help her, but she does not want to listen to me. She wants to pretend things did not happen, and just wants to do what is fun. I confronted her as best I could about her confronting the person if possible, and that I would be there to help her in her fight, but it all seemed to end with her not even wanting to speak to me anymore. I feel so stupid now... I got so high and mighty about how to help her and it forced her away from me. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Were you able to smooth things over and get back into that person life to support them? Were you a victim like this? If so, was the person trying to support you more overbearing than helpful?

 

[interguise]

I forgot to mention, her and I are just friends, but I cant help how I feel about her sometimes

 

[Terry]

Hmmmm , me suspects she may have been abused as a kid. See if you can find out.
If she was it would explain her behaviour and that she needs to see someone about it.

 

[interguise]

She was raped at the beach at the age of 10. She was held underwater by unknown individuals until she almost drowned (she never got to see their faces). Her Dad was there, but could not see her in sight, but when she got out of the water, she was quiet and said nothing. She played it off as if nothing happened. To this day, she still has not told her family. She went into graphic details about how it felt, how she felt about her dad missing such a thing, and how that also has affected the way she has looked at her dad ever since. She is uncertain how he could not of noticed something going on, he pretty much told her in a frightened manner that he was looking all over for her and finally turn around at just the right moment to spot her coming out of the water. He was ignorant to any of the surrounding guys. That happened so long ago that she is easily able to open up about it to certain people, but I feel she has gone into some form of shock or denial having it happen during this time of her life.

 

[Terry]

Worse than that, children who are assaulted or raped think that they deserved it in someway and also the mechanism for saying no in the future gets somehow damaged.
Their self respect is so low that they think they have no right to say no to someone sexually.

She really needs to get some counselling for this.

 

[interguise]

I beleive she has sought counseling in some form, but whether or not she desires continual counseling remains to be seen. Also, she is very independant and hates asking for help. I became fueled by emotions and preached to her about the ability to say no, to fight back, to do whatever it takes to not let such a thing happen... but given the circumstances of how she may have felt after coming to the realization that she was raped again... well, it certainly may not have been the best time for me to show so much spunk. I am by no means machoistic, but the thought of something like that happening to her really woke up some side of me. I was ready to do everything in my power to get her to fight back legally.

 

[~Nobody~]

I just wanted to second everything Dev has said, and also say that this girl is lucky to have a friend like you who obviously really cares for her . Just let her know that you are there for her and that you'll do everything you can to support her. When she wants to talk more, she will.

 

[interguise]

It really seems that is all I can do. We are talking now, but she is keeping the subject taboo for the time being, but I will stay be her side until I am given the proper oppertunity to help and support her. I thank everyone who took the time to read this post and respond to it.