I want to hurt myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by effervescentpsyche, Sep 2, 2008.

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  1. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    I've been trying so hard to get away from these feelings that are killing me on the inside. It feels like there is a knife stabbing me in the heart, and there's no way to pull the knife out. All I can think about is death, and I begged whoeever is out there just to kill me. Just to please not make me wake up.

    I can't sleep right now, I don't want to sleep. I don't want to sleep because I feel that'll make tomorrow come by that much slower. I work, I don't want to...I have lost all motivation and I've lost it for a long time. 1 class away from my AA degree and I'm just like forget it, I don't want to do it. I am a writer, but now I think everything I have ever written is crap. No one is ever going to want to read my books. I've been struggling with weight loss...there are days where I don't eat anything at all...and days I feel like I eat too much...I feel bad if I eat 1 damn turkey burger.

    I try that whole tell yourself your beautiful...doesn't work. That voice inside my head just screams stop lying to yourself. Then I get the blade and make the voices just die down for a little while. I'm self destructive...I leave bruises on my skin, I make myself bleed, and I feel like I'm so messed up in the head.

    I wish I could start my life over again, but I can't...and starting fresh...I can't do that either, I've tried so many times...and everytime I do I just get hurt again I get crushed...devestated. All I can think about is hurting myself...or drinking till I don't feel anything anymore. I just wish I had a friend...but I got 0 friends...no one to turn to. No one to call at 1:30 in the morning...I'm just alone...with my cat...and my knife my only true friend.
     
  2. lol (this is a joke i always tell myself to make myself feel a bit better)

    "Oh, well, nothing re-incarnation won't fix" XD

    which i find totally appropriate.

    im not a self mutilator myself, i figure im ugly enough. And lets face it, u dont kno where that knifes been XD

    I have quite a few friends, and they all suck. I dont care about them and they feel the same im sure.

    The feeling of complete lonliness is one of the worst, which is why i endevour to become selfish and self-involved.

    Now, when i hang out with me, i have the most fun i've ever had.

    Not so much today tho =(

    P.S. u are a good writer, thats a well worded (bit lengthy tho) thread
     
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi evervescentpsyche. Don't give up on your dream of being a writer, persue it. I like your writing style. The first step to getting better is looking in the mirror and loving yourself. You have to be able to see yourself and like what you see. The next step is to tell those negative voices to shut up and block them out of your mind. Maybe try meditating as a way to clear your mind and focus on positive thoughts. And try hard to resist the urge to cut yourself. You can get better, but it will take a lot of effort. Don't give up. :hug:
     
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