I've been trying so hard to get away from these feelings that are killing me on the inside. It feels like there is a knife stabbing me in the heart, and there's no way to pull the knife out. All I can think about is death, and I begged whoeever is out there just to kill me. Just to please not make me wake up. I can't sleep right now, I don't want to sleep. I don't want to sleep because I feel that'll make tomorrow come by that much slower. I work, I don't want to...I have lost all motivation and I've lost it for a long time. 1 class away from my AA degree and I'm just like forget it, I don't want to do it. I am a writer, but now I think everything I have ever written is crap. No one is ever going to want to read my books. I've been struggling with weight loss...there are days where I don't eat anything at all...and days I feel like I eat too much...I feel bad if I eat 1 damn turkey burger. I try that whole tell yourself your beautiful...doesn't work. That voice inside my head just screams stop lying to yourself. Then I get the blade and make the voices just die down for a little while. I'm self destructive...I leave bruises on my skin, I make myself bleed, and I feel like I'm so messed up in the head. I wish I could start my life over again, but I can't...and starting fresh...I can't do that either, I've tried so many times...and everytime I do I just get hurt again I get crushed...devestated. All I can think about is hurting myself...or drinking till I don't feel anything anymore. I just wish I had a friend...but I got 0 friends...no one to turn to. No one to call at 1:30 in the morning...I'm just alone...with my cat...and my knife my only true friend.