I want to improve but I see no way how.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Falcon0006, Apr 7, 2008.

  1. Falcon0006

    Falcon0006 Well-Known Member

    Im trying to figure out why I find everything so hard, and have never been able to cope with anything in my life, I can spot underlying causes, but nothing makes the pain go away. When I spot the problem's it makes nothing better And I just can't do anything right.

    Basically I was born into an extremely disfunctional family. My dad is a workaholic/alcoholic, drinks about 3 bottles of wine a day, and works from the second he wakes up to the second he goes to sleep. He's told me that he values his work a lot more then he values me.

    So I didnt really have a dad, in my eyes, and my mum was severely depressed when I was born, and could not cope with anything, I could not really do anything to help, my older brothers would lend hands here and there but nothing would cheer her up. She was extremely masculine And refused to let anyone help her and would have a go at me if I brought up one of my problems because she saw her problems as bigger So didnt really pay much attention to me.

    My brother went through schizophrenia when I started going to secondary school, and would fight me from the second i got home to the second I went to sleep. He once told me that he was going to kill me in my sleep, and held a knife to my chest. My other brother got cystic fibrosis, and went through depression aswell, and would try and convince me that I should be depressed aswell through all the problems, but I wanted to be the normal one.

    To kind of make things worse I developed dyspraxia and ADD. I guess that's because I managed to keep my happiness, but my brain suffered as a result. So it was very demotivating as I was a complete clutz, which I got insulted for all the time, and took about 3 years longer then everyone else to learn everything. I found it hard to keep organised with homework, schoolwork as a result and was told of every second for it, but my family couldn't understand.

    But anyway, the thing I had left was friends, as when I went into school, I made friends with everyone, but because of my past, I developed social anxiety problems, and social dependancy. This basically meant I could only be myself, around people I had known for more then 2 weeks and Knew I could fully like them, If I didn't know them I'd get extremely scared and extremely paranoid.

    So despite all these problems I still kept my happiness, as I still had social power with some of my friends. But, they started seeing me as a bit of a loser, and a bit immature, because I couldn't cope with the work, would constantley get stressed out, and Couldn't find the time for them as I'd be spending so much time trying to do coursework.

    My mum practically beat me up because I hadn't finished coursework, and now my dad Is paying attention to me for the first time in my life, as I am depressed. As I am scared I am loosing my friends Im pushing them away because I don't know how to deal with them as Im so stressed out and depressed.

    I tried to bring up that I wanted to see therapist or psycologist but my mum got really upset, then started shouting at me and told me Im taking for granted everything she's bought me, and that She's gone through a lot worse.
    I mean the way I see it the five parts of a good life that need to be attended to, to be happy are,

    Friends,
    health,
    family,
    Love + relationship ( although im only 15),
    Work.

    Friends I've lost through my own failures through the other parts of life, Health I have a few mental issues, but all in all good health, Awful family... think bad and then think ten million times worse, had a girlfriend, and work is affected by everything in my life.

    I mean if you have any tips on how to bounce back from this, please don't hesitate, I just see myself from an analytical point of view in a Rut.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 7, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Falcon something important missing from your list is the ability to allow yourself to love you. And to make time just for you. When you can accept who you are and love yourself for it, the rest of your problems wont be as bad. You are the most important thing here. Not your mom or dad or your sibs or friends. And once you can love yourself, your friends will see the difference and will want to be with the new you too. I'm not saying it's easy, sort of a do as I say not as I do scenerio here. But the hard work to get there will certainly be worth the effort and by working at changing your outlook about yourself, you will also change how your depression has its hold on you. It's not going to be an easy road but it wont be anymore difficult than the one you're on right now!!! When you're ready to try and take that new road, I want to be the first to wish you good luck and hope you find all the happiness you so deserve.
     
  3. Falcon0006

    Falcon0006 Well-Known Member

    But i've never really liked myself, Im kind of the self-depreciative type. the first thought that comes to my head every second is an insult aimed at myself, I mean its just because my upbringing has led me to blame myself a lot of the time, as my parents enjoy blaming me.

    If I stop self-depreciating myself out loud do you think I'll stop self-depreciating myself internally ( By self-depreciating I mean like thinking im an idiot and saying it out loud, or when doing a task I constantley am aware of any and all failures that im producing) . I'd like to love myself, but I can only like myself If I make other people happy or laugh, If im not doing that I become even more self-depreciative, and I don't want to have to rely on friends to make me like myself.

    Its weird because I hate the way my life has run through, because in the end its never really been my fault, I just havent really been given the chance to appreciate my achievements in any situations. I mean heck I'd follow the journey to love myself, but I dont even know where to begin.
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi falcon, i struggle with the same kind of negative self-talk, i blame myself for every mistake, i call myself all kinds of names, tell myself i am weak and a loser. if i'm alone, and really distressed i will say these things out loud but mostly they are an internal conversation that goes on 24/7.

    i'm getting counselling for it... it's been too hard to change by myself.

    plus, all this negative talk takes me down the path to being suicidal, and i am trying my best to not go there again.

    i am learning different tricks in counselling (which i just started btw) and today's lesson was to say to myself "maybe, just maybe i'm wrong in some of these beliefs"... it's not much but it's a great start. then i just have to have faith that with time i will be able to unravel the underlying reasons for these thoughts.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Here's one place to start. Tomorrow when you get up, the very first thing you say to yourself is Good morning! ( yeah I know sounds silly, but it's not like anyone else is going to). Acknowledge yourself. Next pick one thing fairly minor that you want to accomplish in the day ( physical mental etc doesn't really matter). Then set out to do it, and don't let anything stop you from reaching that goal. Things can side track you but dont give yourself any excuse to not do it. Once you have dont it, tell youself, damn good!!! Way to go!!!! Because we only allow ourselves to be proud of the things we do for others it becomes too easy to forget about oursleves. Before you go to bed, tell yourself, hey I had a pretty good day. Do that each day hun. I too only feel truly usefull when I do for others but that is because when I do others appreciate my actions. Now it's time to appreciate them for yourself. Dont expect overnight changes, it takes a while, but it will happen. And once you can love yourself, others see the change, the confidence you will find. And they tend to back down from their negative attitude towards you. Hun anytime you need to chat or need a little pep talk, please pm me. But like I said earlier I tend to be a do as I say not as I do person. I'm trying to work on the exact same issues. Maybe we can pep talk each other into loving ourselves!!! lol
     
  6. Falcon0006

    Falcon0006 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I think that's exactly what I needed to hear from both of you, but I still wouldnt mind seeing a therapist about it because it wouldnt do any harm. Just need to convince my parents its the right thing to do. I've still got room for change.
     
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey I hope you get the chance. You might also consider attending a support group. You're in a group of people that understand exactly what you are feeling and so supportive. Lots of suggestions and leads to so many resources that can help. I know I have met many very good people through mine. Hun, I'm so proud of you for trying to get past this. It's so important to be able to stand on your own 2 feet here and be positively active about the issues. It helps to keep the deperssive and suicidal thoughts at bay. Good luck and anytime you need a shoulder to lean on pm me.