It might be the only thing i can do. Id ont know if i can. Not even in the right country. Dont know if he's alive Dont know his last name.. but i can find out. maybe he's dead.... wouldnt change anything. Ill still be like this. god i hate every FUCKING thing about me right now. The rest of the time IM A FUCKING ZOMBIE by my own creation. Fucked up shit. Little boxes to open when youre older.. little overwhelming desires to overcome. To rationalise out, to pander down with hope and dreams. FOR FUCK SAKES. I Feel the SAME all the time. Even when i ignore it... I want to kill him. I want to slit my throat and watch him as I die and fucking stab him in his head and heart if that was fucking possible at the sametime. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKING PRICK! YOU IGNORNAT MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE! i should be mad at everyone else... i should TRULY be mad at him.. but im not. hard to deal with when you can understand and rantionalize your way out of it. Whatever. "Somethings in life its ok to be irrational about" OH REALLY?! give me a fucking break. NOT FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME! getting loads of easy memories now back to it. It's like a slide show again OH joy joy. meh whatever, been there done that done this done that thought around it, felt nothing... waited for what i needed it never came, it'll never come now even if it did im too fucked off and up to open up and connect with it and hold a flow of connection. SO you know what... fuck the lot of you. Fuck all of you who helped in that time. fuck all my friends, fuck all my superiors, fuck all my dreams, fuck all my thoughts, fuck all my hopes, fuck all my inabilities, fuck all my failures, fuck it. Who cares. Oh you care... Dont... fuck you and your functioning lives. Go away. I am a self destroyer through inabilities and neglection. Or some sort of bullshit i string together. ug fuck you. I dont want that release to kill him. But god i am angry and I want to destroy .. but i dont. So I just destroy myself. Fuck it, no one cared truly, and i was already fucked so why not. Atleast I can follow my own path of self destruction back to these memories. Go go ignorance. Oh right. FUCK! YOU!! I have no idea why im posting this in here. Im angry as fuck right now, and it's getting worse day in and day out, im struggeling to care and care and care and care and care and care remembering what there is to care about. How to feel care... fuck i want more of this shit. Atleast I feel alive, which i know is a restricted perception of how feeling alive feels like, but atleast i feel SOMETHING. I JUST CANT BELIEVE IM HONING in on this prick. God i swear alot now... i remember i used to never swear.. I hated the thought of what itd make me. Hey guess what shem! Look at you now! Good job .. you prick. Fucked up your own life. For what? Honestly for WHAT?! Do you think you are only this... Yep. Gogo dissociative talk. Its the only way i can love my hatred to let myself know I understand and that it's ok. Even though it is not ok. None of this. Nothings right. Not one thing. Everythings Fucked up. Everything.. You know what's ace I can roll on past this shit. PAST IT. I cant undo it. I cant free myself from it, I can't find me that was stolen.. I cant find me. Oh that's not true. Meh im just having a moment. Time to move forward. I think ill go have a cup of tea and never cry again. Oh wait.. been like this for how many years? Peachy, just peachy. did you know, I can't remember anything now. Well I can, to a degree, but it's.. you know the seperation beteween distinctive memories? Like ok a map, then the countries, then the boarders(which would associate to your memories of the countries and their places) ect ect... yeah it's all folded into one. When i expand it... how I feel inside? Disssappearsssss. Along with who i am. So my delemia now? Live in self created isolated dumb misery where i am unable to function, or keep going forward and try to "re-find" myself again through the positive parts of life. Tell that to a socially frightend freak who doesnt get it and when he thinks he does, he makes a fool of himself. Im tired.. im starting to imagine killing myself again. But... some people in my life give me so much hope and love that.. idk. Then i almost cry but i feel like a user for that. someone who takes and takes and never makes anything out of himself. So idk. circles... Making the best of it.. just frustrated ok i know im nuts on this forum. But you... when you're a kid and you think, i better not have any friends because i dont want them to have to have someone in their life kill themselves, and i dont want to have to deal with their carea nd rip it down and leave them crippled with a feeling of failing to help their friend. Then that flipped, then it flipped back, and i realised.. ..... Then i realized, im seflish.. then irealised i wasnt, then ir ealised i am.. then i fought back. And you know what i've found out, summaries of the past dont do me justice, Ill either make myself out to be All "good" or "bad" or "lost" or "ignorant" or "angry" or "seflish" or "dreaming" or .. whatever. I can't stand who I am anymore. Especially how I respond to life and people. but most importantly.. i.. dont want to talk about it on a forum or to anyone Donno. It's not that bad. It was just a 9 year old fucking about with a 6 year old and then the subsequent issues in my life that really arent that bad. Nothings bad in my life. So why the fuck do i keep failing and making things worse. He fucked my brain and heart that day. and everyday since,.. idk. I cant explain what im doing and how i feel. It's not rational at first glance, or the 1000th glance. meh this is a waste of my time isnt it. im making something out of nothing now. .. nothing... Oh if i give into this, if i give into all of it.. itll.. be apart of me. and i wont let it.. i donno. lol how do you respond to this shit? This doesnt feel real.