I want to kill him

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Axiom, May 7, 2011.

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  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    It might be the only thing i can do. Id ont know if i can. Not even in the right country. Dont know if he's alive Dont know his last name.. but i can find out.
    maybe he's dead.... wouldnt change anything. Ill still be like this. god i hate every FUCKING thing about me right now. The rest of the time IM A FUCKING ZOMBIE by my own creation.

    Fucked up shit. Little boxes to open when youre older.. little overwhelming desires to overcome. To rationalise out, to pander down with hope and dreams. FOR
    FUCK SAKES. I Feel the SAME all the time. Even when i ignore it... I want to kill him. I want to slit my throat and watch him as I die and fucking stab him in his head and heart if that was fucking possible at the sametime. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKING PRICK! YOU IGNORNAT MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE! i should be mad at everyone else... i should TRULY be mad at him.. but im not. hard to deal with when you can understand and rantionalize your way out of it.
    Whatever. "Somethings in life its ok to be irrational about"
    OH REALLY?!
    give me a fucking break. NOT FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME!
    getting loads of easy memories now back to it. It's like a slide show again :D OH joy joy. meh whatever, been there done that done this done that thought around it, felt nothing... waited for what i needed it never came, it'll never come now even if it did im too fucked off and up to open up and connect with it and hold a flow of connection.

    SO you know what... fuck the lot of you. Fuck all of you who helped in that time. fuck all my friends, fuck all my superiors, fuck all my dreams, fuck all my thoughts, fuck all my hopes, fuck all my inabilities, fuck all my failures, fuck it. Who cares.
    Oh you care... Dont... fuck you and your functioning lives. Go away. I am a self destroyer through inabilities and neglection. Or some sort of bullshit i string together. ug fuck you. I dont want that release to kill him. But god i am angry and I want to destroy .. but i dont. So I just destroy myself. Fuck it, no one cared truly, and i was already fucked so why not. Atleast I can follow my own path of self destruction back to these memories. Go go ignorance.

    Oh right.

    FUCK!

    YOU!!




    I have no idea why im posting this in here. Im angry as fuck right now, and it's getting worse day in and day out, im struggeling to care and care and care and care and care and care remembering what there is to care about. How to feel care... fuck i want more of this shit. Atleast I feel alive, which i know is a restricted perception of how feeling alive feels like, but atleast i feel SOMETHING. I JUST CANT BELIEVE IM HONING in on this prick.
    God i swear alot now... i remember i used to never swear.. I hated the thought of what itd make me. Hey guess what shem! Look at you now! Good job .. you prick. Fucked up your own life. For what? Honestly for WHAT?! Do you think you are only this...
    Yep. Gogo dissociative talk. Its the only way i can love my hatred to let myself know I understand and that it's ok. Even though it is not ok. None of this. Nothings right. Not one thing. Everythings Fucked up. Everything..

    You know what's ace :D

    I can roll on past this shit. PAST IT. I cant undo it. I cant free myself from it, I can't find me that was stolen.. I cant find me.
    Oh that's not true. Meh im just having a moment. Time to move forward. I think ill go have a cup of tea and never cry again. Oh wait.. been like this for how many years? Peachy, just peachy. did you know, I can't remember anything now. Well I can, to a degree, but it's.. you know the seperation beteween distinctive memories? Like ok a map, then the countries, then the boarders(which would associate to your memories of the countries and their places) ect ect... yeah it's all folded into one. When i expand it... how I feel inside? Disssappearsssss. Along with who i am. So my delemia now? Live in self created isolated dumb misery where i am unable to function, or keep going forward and try to "re-find" myself again through the positive parts of life.

    Tell that to a socially frightend freak who doesnt get it and when he thinks he does, he makes a fool of himself. Im tired.. im starting to imagine killing myself again. But... some people in my life give me so much hope and love that.. idk.
    Then i almost cry :) but i feel like a user for that. someone who takes and takes and never makes anything out of himself. So idk. circles...
    Making the best of it.. just frustrated


    ok i know im nuts on this forum. But you... when you're a kid and you think, i better not have any friends because i dont want them to have to have someone in their life kill themselves, and i dont want to have to deal with their carea nd rip it down and leave them crippled with a feeling of failing to help their friend. Then that flipped, then it flipped back, and i realised.. ..... Then i realized, im seflish.. then irealised i wasnt, then ir ealised i am.. then i fought back.
    And you know what i've found out, summaries of the past dont do me justice, Ill either make myself out to be All "good" or "bad" or "lost" or "ignorant" or "angry" or "seflish" or "dreaming" or .. whatever.
    I can't stand who I am anymore. Especially how I respond to life and people. but most importantly.. i.. dont want to talk about it on a forum or to anyone :D Donno. It's not that bad. It was just a 9 year old fucking about with a 6 year old and then the subsequent issues in my life that really arent that bad. Nothings bad in my life. So why the fuck do i keep failing and making things worse. He fucked my brain and heart that day. and everyday since,.. idk.

    I cant explain what im doing and how i feel. It's not rational at first glance, or the 1000th glance. meh this is a waste of my time isnt it. im making something out of nothing now. .. nothing... Oh if i give into this, if i give into all of it.. itll.. be apart of me. and i wont let it.. i donno.

    lol how do you respond to this shit? This doesnt feel real.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think one can hold more than one emotion in their space at one time...I am still that angry at two ppl after years, but they are not the center of my life, and I am not (that) negatively effected by feeling this way...this is a very thought provoking situation...what to do when one is so wronged by another...and is a very difficult balance to achieve...in others words, I truly understand where you are coming from...J
     
  3. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    :(

    I can deal with my feelings, but .. idk. Nothing seems to matter except for remembering. Like a reset, it's all i have. Everything else in my life that I have any control over sucks. Im 25, and a failure, but hey, you can bounce back from anything right :D

    yeah... just had a right argument and now i just want to fuck off again. But i donno. I give up on everything, usually because I cant keep a care alive in me.

    Meh, this is just a tip of the iceberg. But i just make shit out of nothing. So i suppose i have to just keep on rolling.
    Here's too another 19 years :stars:

    Everythings a circle to me. Im like this because of that, not specifically but because of whatever. So I guess I can just find the issues and get through them one step at a time. Just gotta keep on trucking. Forget about it or just acknowledge it happeend. I dont really care about it tbh. its not a big deal, it's just one of those things people deal with. Im just sick of compromising me for everyone else, and because of myself. It's like I have this dillusional child personality running around, and I want to free it or teach it or whatever, but i cant find it unless ... i actually dont know :p Just sick of this, and when i look into it.. into life, gah. Get it away :p
    What to do eh :) .. it's shit when you dont have anything benifical to give back.

    Hmm its not just a feeling balance,.. it's a mental discipline now that's messed up. As you may see from my posts, they've gone screwy. idk :( just venting i guess. Thanks for the reply sadeyes.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2011
  4. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Whatever i wouldnt kill him. I just felt like I would. But that good little bit of me is still there.
    You know what I know though. No matter what anyone says, or tries to do, even if you are here. I am alone. Im giving up on this place. It's so fucked up to who I am. I find alot of peace in music, even violent music, it flows. Like i can. And I just want to go with it sometimes.
    Atleast it's freeing from the fucking failure i am now that wants to fucking use his past as some sort of motivational aspect that Ive never let myself do. Now I dont care at this moment. If i told you I was going to kill myself in 5 minutes, no one would believe me. Or care. No one has ever cared that much for me, they just fucking say tehy do. GO FUCK YOURSELves. I dont need you, i dont need any of you. bunch of a fucking waste of my time that

    Trust me. I am a waste of your time. I know the words, but I dont know how to connect with you or understand you or see you. So why bother? I cant even feel myself without going into chaos.
    Don't tell me my issues don't involve getting sexually assaulted by a kid, who to me was a fucking adult in my eyes. It's the mental destruction for those who can apply the pain to everything they do, so that what I do doesn't lead back there. Welcome to my world, a world of chains and fear and now a world of built up walls that mean nothjing because I have no substance or any skills or any friends left, except the ones that think it's ok to FUCKING TALK TO ME once or twice a year. GO FUCK YOURSELVES! meh whatever :)
    So angry inside, but i can stop and sniff the roses at the sametime. IT's like dictating to yourself what feelings you can allow yourself to feel, and channel them back to what you felt. I know how to avoid my issues, so in a way, I know how to make my way back to them. And the closer I get, the more angry I get, and the more i know that to fix this shit fucking complex of a mind and heart is going to be impossible. So I TRY. Try on my own because i have to do it on my own. I try to try so i have something to do now. I can go do some other shit, but i will long for this deeeep down. So whatever. Im the master of my own destruction. There's your fucking caption You asshole whomever wanted to understand me. Cause I know youll find out about this place.

    FORGET YOU. YOU think you can understand me? Go for it. Tell me... come on.

    Whatever you need to overlay and generalize my and then rip me apart piece by piece. But im...

    ug a pos and not special in anyway. I guess u can define me after all....
    Believe me, useless springs to mind. And it's not a mental ploy, it's reality. I have witnesses :D .... ffs i do :( Whatever fuck you then, all i have is this pos mind and feelings.

    Arg.... I dont even know wtf I am doing why I am so obsessed with how I feel and all of this. It's just gotten nuts recently. Im so fed up with my life. No Im not Projecting my life onto my past feelings, my Past feelings and rantionals are the master of my life, because I AM my feelings and past decisions. Commitment and I never work in reality, but in my mind... we're very close.
    And im liking this bitching now... and I know it's wrong..

    Im getting tired of tomorrow. Im getting tired of the next week. Im getting tired of the plans. I'm getting tired of being wound up. Im getting tired of trying to figure out society just so I can function. Im getting tired of hearing and trying to see the maniuplation in society and people. Im getting tired of not being able to enjoy the best parts of life and societies.Im getting tired of cleaning, im getting tired of fake laughing, im getting tired of going outside, im getting tired of cooking, im getting tired of eating, im getting tired of gettting the fuck out of bed, for what? Id rather sleep or jump back into this. Im getting tired of dealing with things, then im getting tired of dealing with nothing. Im getting tired of .. thinking lol. I think im surviving ? For what lolol Oh come on what the hell do I have to live for anymore? Tell me eh... na fuck you im looking... oh god im tired of fucking looking
    I hate these desires I hate that i cant have them i hate all of this shit. I hate all of this fucking bullshit conflictions and contradictions. I dont understand why the fuck i was forced to be a bloody human being, but fuck it i was born that way like everyone else. I just cant make anything of it. So whatever. Fuck you for saying i failed. I most certainly failed! U dont understand how to function when your ... nm you probably do. Youve probably endured something 100x worse. Great...
    Hey go fuck yourself eh :D

    Sigh... round and around I go. Deeper each time. Lets go again shall we..

    See I used to hate it, I used to be terrified, i used to be afraid of it. Now I just fucking want it.

    So what do i do? any ideas?
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I once hated someone so deeply that when he died I wanted to dig up his bones so I could spit on them.
    Hatred has no rational, its a living breathing poison that colours every part of your life.

    One day, no particular reason why, I forgave him, just like that I let it go, don't know why or how I arrived at it, just did.
    It was like being able to breath again, I haven't forgotten what happened, I don't think I ever will, but at least the shit isn't poisoning my life anymore.
    I hope you can find some peace from what's happened to you. :hug:
     
  6. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I tired forgetting. Nothing really got better, i just zombied out to it and dealt with my life without really thinking about it, just kinda felt the remenants of it sometimes, but i could function. I tried, but what it left me with was nothing in comparison to the "norm". So...
    I've gone back. And im really making myself feel again what I hated so much, and i... didn't really expect this that much tbh. Guess I dealt with it like a child would. Childishly. Funny how my attitude on here is childish. Funny how my gf calls my a child and a useless prick,(in general, only because i put her through so much shit and dont help with anything anymore..).. ug.

    I dont know if i care about getting better anymore.

    I can understand what you mean. Death wont give me any release if I killed him. All id get is a person destroyed. I dont particularly want him to die... if i could Id go into his mind and rip it apart, make him relive what he did then... probably break his face but id not kill him. I get more satisfaction in ripping myself to shreads. He really has no impact on me, except for that.. impact i guess. Plus the rage that im containing. I know if i met him id feel it heavy, but i can control it, cause I can think through it.
    But killing him? ... idk.. anger is blind, like you said :).

    For me now.. im using my anger and rage to go deeper because Im sick of this. Every issue ive associated to this shit, every feeling ive neglected every desire i lost... that moment when my life was stretched and torn beyond my mental ability to comprehend. That being forced to continue on! Those nights of fear blah blah blah blah
    It's just one of those things isnt it... fuck me. peace? Peace I have. Happyness? I dont have my happyness. I dont have my motivation, i dont have my love, i dont have my conviction, i dont have my laugh, i dont have my.. actually i think im just making shit up now. i have everything lifes fucking PEACHY. sigh... idk

    Thanks for the reply terry :) xx Idk what to say tbh.. except that i admire your conviction to not give into your anger and being able to forgive him.
     
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well 4 years of psychotherapy and a wonderful therapist may have had a lot to do with it.
    This is a journey you cannot do alone, you were alone when it happened, now you need someone with you to get it all out and deal with it.
    I know only too well the hell of stepping out of yourself to function in the world, I stepped so far out that I blocked the whole thing so had no memory, just all the crap associated with it.
    Scraps of memory would intrude and freak me out.
    Facing it was hard and scary, but so much better than being locked in the past.
     
  8. kreative1

    kreative1 Well-Known Member

    Years ago, I was on my way to finish of my father (server mental abuser), somehow after smsing a couple people that I'm starting with him and properly end ugly in some street, my mate found me in a near street bloody after I smashed up my car. I almost killed him at my work few months ago, for some reason I pushed him on to the street and told him to leave. Don't go that path, its ugly, it a mental head F that you don't need. I understand that many of your other life paths inter-wind with the past, don't let him and his actions hamper your healing, have comfort that karma sooner or later pays back. I too find comfort in heavy music finding my loneliness/thinking is understandable, but not advisable as it triggers. Chin up and fight for something good in your life.
     
  9. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Thanks for the replies. I took them to heart :)

    It's just.. Have you ever had that feeling where you were told to "forget" and everything will be ok? Where you were just hurt and left with no way to respond that was fair.. or if anything..
    That forgetting feeling where "everything will be ok" ... god it's haunting me. And that.. idk, the point between when I feel angry and "alive" then to... nothing and "comfortable". God Im getting really... aggitated at times. Actually to be honest Ive only just started to remember and understand this particular part. I can deal with it.. but i dont like either side. It's either infuriating or numbing. I mean come on this is 19 years later, am I clinging onto this? ..
    I dont know if I am. I really tried for 19 years, as best as I could.. idk. Could be just a moment. But it's... comforting to see some parts instead of it's just being empty.
     
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Doesn't matter if it was 50 years ago!
    It's not a matter of clinging to it, it's that it's not resolved.
    You have to remember it all, face it and then it can be discarded.
    Is there anyway you can apply for therapy?
     
  11. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    The only way to overcome anything is forgivness. Forgivness of all the parties involved that you find yourself blaming. Forgiving is the most important thing to do in order to move on in one's life, but it is hard to forgive when you do not understand somthing.
    Seek understanding; there are answers out there for you to find when you keek them. Hatred is like a cancer, and what you have been through was traumatic and that is why you are dealing with post traumatic stress right now. It is normal. There are many people that suffer from this without even knowing it. Look it up if you don't believe me. I suffered from it for years. No one knew what was happening until it developed into bipolar and boarderline personality. Then they started to treat me for that, but nothing worked. I was about to accept it as something I was to live and die with, but that was far from the truth. There is healing, and I found it while on my spiritual journey for understanding and truth. Now I do not suffer from PTS or BP or BPD anymore. Prayer, faith, and understanding cured me from it all.
    It is good to get it all out and not hold it in, but it is better to overcome/ overpower this struggle and to come out victorious. You can do this. I have, everyone else can. Blessings..
     
  12. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    True, i suppose I say that so that people don't get tired that i run around in circles with it I guess. Though sometimes I wonder if it's time to just let go of it and that im clinging onto it for dear life. Well I used to think so, but now..

    Thearpy? I don't have time for thearpy, or money for it, or emotional trust, and to be frank im not that nieve when it comes to my own emotions. I dont particularly care about someone who gets paid to listen to me. They don't care, they just care about their profession, and indirectly i fit into that little piece of their life. I dont want that sort of help. Im sick of that sort of help to be honest. It's very difficult to find anyone that truly cares and wants to help, without any course of personal gain.
    Perhaps that's why im so like this :p But Id only just mess with their heads in the end.

    I hear what you're saying. I don't know if you'd believe me or not, but I knew about split personalities when I was a kid. I knew and understood to a very simple degree of how easy i could divert into one with how i thought after the result. So im, ? Aware of my thoughts and feelings enough so that they don't split, and one grows while another loses it's foot hold.
    As far as bi-polar, I know how to maintain a neutral mentality and presentation, which was another thing I thought about, being an emotional "rollercoaster" as they used to say. There were alot of other things i did to protect myself from deteriorating and being "seen". I wanted someone to see me for me, not for a self created problem. Unfortunatly, no one did, and no one really does i guess. Idk, now people are starting to care, but idk.. it's difficult to share, because i feel no comfort from talking really from others, I feel comfort in a hug and embrace and other things, but not talking. I can talk myself to a point and then anyalize it and break it apart then run away, then come back at it with whatever understandings ive got.
    It's just now.. i dont know if I care enough to. My prospects in life are fading rapidly, along with my social handicaps and failings, now my body is starting to fall apart. I started loseing hair on the left side of my head :p just a little bit, but it was enough when i tugged at it the roots were pulling out. My arms look like ive been scratching like a drug addict and im thin. But it's managable and easy to bounce back from if i want to.

    Forgiveness? I forgave him along time ago. He was just a child himself, so he was obviously abused or subjected to some form of abuse or something that made him believe that it was ok, or he was overloading and took it out on me. Either way I forgave him. I "moved" on. He was just a baby in his own rights, unaware, uncared for. I was just in his wake. Just an accident, a learning curve. Infact I was happy it was me and not someone else, because I could handle it and understand.

    Now look at me. Everything inside me is flipping. Im so enraged by who I am and who I have let myself become, this absolute nothing and waste of space. It's disgusting to see, it's insulting to life and who I should be. He killed my confidence with his failings, and then, i killed it even more with my failings and stupidity.
    Im angry, I don't feel i can really make anything out of this life or give anything back to be honest. Just float by, get by.. you know.. not live, just be. Find some "peace" and watch the leaves move with the wind. Maybe find a little conviction, a little place where I can "help" out in something else.
    Great...
    Forgiveness? .... :) Yeah... do you know that for ever post I am of hatred, I am also feeling a sense of forgiveness and sorrow for him. I balance it as best as I can, but from the beginning i was told to forgive. I was "guided" to forgive. I was shown the blessing and acceptance of forgivness. I was told of it's positive force, it's ample way of making you a stronger person.
    I was told the truth but it was not justified.
    Do you know what forgiveness taught me? How to be a tool to everyone else. I was able to see their imperfections and forgive them for being cruel to me. I was able to justify their actions. Everytime someone beat me or insulted me, I could justify it and forgive their actions. It clouded my anger, my natural defenses. Do you know now I don't have any wit or social behavior because insulting people hurts me inside? Because I have no hard skin i am absolutly weak as an individual, when people talk in general "social" talk and do the general "insulting" behavior and comments, I don't know what to do but neutralise it. I won't flow with it, but i used to for a tickle at one bit, but i got lost as a sheep would. Then I started resisting, and that just fucking cracked me like mad. Then I learned, to disappear and avoid.

    Forgiveness? I forgive. I constantly forgive, im forgiving him right now. But im also fueling me. Who I am, the bugger who was buggered. The twat who was kicked down, the idiot who didnt get it. The whatever punch line people use.

    You are right about forgiveness, and anger. And I really... really appricate the words you have written, but this is not the way for me. I have done my forgiving. I have almost done my anger.. depending on certain things, i dont know if i will use it or not. But I know one thing, i need to sit in my darkest points and be able to stand up and feel it burn across my entire body, and still be me, without succumbing to it. And this is impossible except in my head, or unless I hold a knife to his throat and know I will kill him. And find the way to live for myself and spare his life.
    That's how im starting to look at it. Im not able to see any other thing I can do in this life really. It's all connecting rapidly. Simply because, I just don't have the conviction to try for anything really, say a few things, and those few things are so far away, and in the end,... im just a leech anyhow. .. Oh idk.

    I ramble alot, but i never got a chance to ramble in my life. I used to be happy, but i was happy ontop of other peoples wakes. The moment i want to be me... im angry and destructive. Over the years I have broken so many of my own things in anger. So many precious things I loved. And I know why.. in that split second before i regret it, i remember how I once lost something so precious to me. I lost myself. I lost my innocence. A simple child taught me first hand how the world can be, but in the most confusing way. An Adult would have been worse, but so much easier to hate. Try worrying at 7+ that you will become a pedophile if you look at kids your age in that way. Im terrified of kids to this day. I can't stand them near me. I can deal with them and talk to them and have a laugh, but idk. I worry still. And it's a worry i can never ever ever let go of. Everytime someone hit the news or someone hit the paper or someone made a comment i felt it could be me, and it terrified me deeper inside. So sex was a huge issue. I knew it was better to restrict and deny myself to protect anyone else. Want to know how I knew this? Because if a child of 9 was abused, and could do this to a child himself? Then it was possible for me to. AND I was not and i am not ever going to allow that. Infact this little tid bit makes me want to off myself. I feel fucking wrong. but there's enough good that's grown over the years to calm it down, but it still burns through it all the longer i think about it.
    Forgiveness? I forgive him. I forgive him for grabbing me and doing what he did because he was hurting himself and was enraged and confused. I forgive him for his curiosity and desire to find himself but failing to by succumbing to what destroyed him. I forgive him for being a victim. I forgive the adult or whomever victimised him. I forgive them all.

    And now.... I am angry. I am alive somewhere in here, and Im sick and tired of this. The worst part is, i have no skills or ability to do anything. I used to love when my mother would "promote" said aspect of me that she thought had potential. But i know now, i have absolutly no potential. ... so i have to look forward to being a grunt. It's very confusing to think otherwise and be something that you are not. Let alone i have no commitment value, and not my decisivness is almost absolete. I dont mean this as in, whatever. I've just tried alot recently, over the last decade, and it's worn me down. Nothing really pans out. Every little thing i hope for in everything, either isn't there or gets negatised by my own fears and social issues, or mental failings.

    Forgive him? Sure. Forgive myself? .. ive done this many times. Now it's time to accept the truth. Sometimes the sting is what is needed to remind someone of the truth. Forgiveness works, but it leads to a dulling and forgetfullness, atleast in me. And repetitiion kicks in. A vicious circle :)
    Everytime i go forward, im... mentally distracted now. I want something i cant have. I want alot of feelings i was denied by his failings and by my inability to harness. I want my life back, and this is never ever going to happen because of the issues and repeititive failings i will have to go through just to overcome one minor issue. It's like watching a train wreck in the making.

    Forgiveness.... I just want to... idk.. it's numbing. I know what forgiveness is. It's seeing it, understanding it, realising you are better than the situation and what was done to you, and understanding the ignorance or nievety in the person(s) who subjected you to it, and potentially opening yourself up agan to give them a second chance. Even if you dont open yourself up to them, the point is to open yourself up again after being "closed" off by their actions, without holding onto a grudge.

    "let go to let go"
    Im telling you, if i let go of this.. im letting go of me again.
    Started venting again, but i deleted it. There's no point, i just rip the context away and feel it.. I resit it and embrace it at the same time. I attack myself and comfort myself. I destroy myself and stand up. I ... go on and on and on with the same old crap. Except now, it's gaining more momentum.

    fuck it. You know what I know? people come and go.. people leave me, people say things.. but im always ... " " that far away from feeling it, from touching them. Do you know what i mean? A barrier of restraint. idk.. best i could come up with.


    Thearpy and forgivness.. Hmm...
    Again i always come to.. what for. What's the point. What possible good or benifit can i produce or give back. What possible addition can i have on the sacle of ways I think? do I have to tune myself down to life a "normal productive life?" Well great. Did that... sometimes id rather live and die in 5 minutes as who i truly am, then live another 25 years as this person. People like me in doses, people tolerate me at a distance... i wonder why. It's not their shortcommings, yet people keep saying it is. But i know it isnt. Obviously it isnt. It's who I have chosen and now have to be. IT's great being an outcast and unable to keep up with anyone.

    It's great to fail at absolutly everything. And it's great to forgive yourself when you fail, instead of kicking yourself in the ass and trying again. It's great... it's great that the FUCKING MORONS WHO Were around me taught me passiveness(im not meaning you daphine, i agree with waht you are saying.. i just mean the fact that Im just mad slightly at the lack of understanding between everyone and myself at the time).

    Oh im just mad.. im absolutly worthless, and i dont mean that as in, tell me my worth. I mean that as in.. yeah I have absolutly nothing to live for, except other people. And that is when the leeching begins. So screw that...

    :( idk.. idk if i want to kill him or myself or both now. Dont know if itd make any difference except for giving me some degree of satisfaction and then eternal remorse..
    8888


    You know what kills me the worst... when someone gets close, i close off. Always. And im dying inside feeling only me.. i want to feel someone else.. but it's either to tame or nto enough or i dont let it in or im repel it or what have you. ... idk. fuck it. Just me i guess. I just hurt people. And you know what.. the people i love ... i love them more then I could ever explain. And hurting them by simply being me is.. killing me. This whole stupid life ive let myself live is killing me. :( All of my feelings arent revolving around this twat. But some of them are... but it's hard to talk about how i feel because of this twat. I dont feel how if eel because of him overall, ive made sure not to let this idiot ruin my life like that and taint my true feelings. but he has stolen some very precious feelings from me by association and IM angry.. and well.. i dont have the luxery of being sad anymore. I just get yellled at or whatever. Cause i just drag on.. like i am in this post.. :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2011
  13. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    You are worth more than you give yourself credit for. There are so many questions in this life, and no inkling on where to find the answers. The answers are there and with them the understanding that will help you in every way imaginable. You gave great examples of forgiveness. Thank you for that.
    To forgive to me is to not react in a negative way, and to accept what had happened by the fact that we are all humans. Imperfect and flawed by ignorance.
    So once that ignorance is squashed I believe people will have the power to make better decisions in life to not harm one another in anyway, and to see the wisdom in love. Real love not only the romantic side of it, but the unconditional love of a parent to a child.
    Everyone alive has a chance to make things better. They have a chance to reach out and to do something about their situation. Some reach out to other humans for help. But the sad truth is that we ALL suffer in some way so how can we truly help someone else in their suffering if we cannot help ourselves? We are weak fleshly beings that focus only on the here and now. We rely fully on ourselves for everything and when we cannot do it on our own we freak.
    But we are never alone. and eventually we turn to divine intervention for our lives. This was the best decision I have ever made. Now I get it: life, suffering, forgiveness and most importantly LOVE. And it all came through squashing that ignorance and seeking answers. This is the point I was trying to make. Blessings...
     
  14. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Please dont take anything here personally... im just lost, and being me. I'm not targeting anyone, i love the care and help i get... but i feel so lost. Im having so much difficulty seeing, and caring about the rest of life as an equal to me. I have to scream but i dont know how to this is all i know how to do. im sorry dont take it personally if you even read it. This is just me right now. Somewhere inside, i care.


    That shit below i wrote right now, but read this. Im at my wits end. Im tired of this How I feel right now, i want it. Im angry, im frustrated, and I feel more alive like this, but so fragile in this state. IT takes so much energy and explosions inside to bring me alive now. Why do you think 19 years later i want to kill him? Because it's the only door way back to how I feel in a pure way.Its the only way I can feel alive.

    Below is anger.. below is a tame tame tame tame tame anger. A controlled anger a anger I can mold and manipulate to my own advantage a way to recreate myself. But blinding rage? .. i hide from myself. I taught myself so long ago how to control my feelings by loooking at the world around me. The world never saw me, but I saw you. But what did you do for me? nothing. Just give me the tools and left me to it. but i am too stupid to learn and see and grow and become aware. .. sigh

    The reason im getting so angry is to help fuel my motivation, to help keep me alive, to help give me the strength to resist the crushing reality of my pathetic tame boring dull monotonous lying deceptive circular reality. My Anger has never been useful. But now.. reality is closing in too fast. To real, too much, and it's so tame. I dont have a bad life, I have a great life. great life. good life. happy life.. loving life, feeling life,.. embracing life... :( no ones touched my heart .. no ones let me fall into them. No one knows how to. AND i dont know how to. And i trust none of you mother fuckers. Im not falling into religion. bunch of fucking idiots. Im not falling into twisty liars. Bunch of fucking users. Im not letting someone fall into me now.. i dont trust myself. Im just.. Closing. In contrast, my love, my care is being shrouded by this hate by this glare by this gaze by this drive by this destruction. So whatever...




     
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