I want to kill myself again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Dec 7, 2011.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    My husband relapsed again and is lying about it. I slept like shit last night and don't want to be here anymore.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that hun, keep the chip up though and think positively x
     
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Well I let his doctor know that he used and his doctor said he was going to drug test him. Now I'm scared...what if he gets forced into inpatient rehab. I know it might be best for him, but I don't want to be away from him for that long...We've never been apart for a whole day since we met. And I have severe separation issues. Can doctors force you into rehab? I don't know...I'm scared. :(
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I don't know about that hun, that's something you'll have to look into.
    How do you know he's lying about his relapse?
     
  5. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    He's been acting weird lately. Spending too much time in the bathroom. He made a huge deal about me going to class yesterday when I said I didn't want to because he needed me out of the house seemingly. And when he had to go to his Suboxone group last night he made another huge deal about not wanting me to come with him, even though he offered it himself before. And lastly, I saw a bruise on his arm with a needle mark that looked pretty fresh.
     
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Okay so I told him that I talked to his doctor about it because I was scared of the rehab thing (wanted to ask him if his doctor could force him into it), and he flipped both at me and his doctor and now I feel like I fucked up because apparently he says his doctor doesn't approve of him taking benzodiazepines. His primary doctor prescribed him some for anxiety though, and he takes them. He says he would have gotten dropped if he took the drug test. I, personally, still think that benzos wouldn't have been the only issue and am still convinced he's using. Anyway, he got dropped from the clinic and now he's probably going to go back to using every single day, starting tomorrow when I go to school. And as a result, I'm going to start feeling suicidal and planning to off myself again. Just great.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2011
  7. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    can you seek a divorce?
     
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Sure. And I can also plan to kill myself afterward, which I probably will.

    Nobody is holding a gun to my head and making me stay, I just know that if we break up, I won't be able to handle it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2011
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Give him an ultimatum , you - or the drugs he's using. You don't have to really mean it but it may make him think twice.
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Give him an ultimatum , you - or the drugs he's using. You don't have to really mean it but it may make him think twice.
     
  11. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I've already done that :/ He keeps lying and claiming he's not using, even though it's completely obvious. And it basically ends with me kicking him out of the house while he's claiming he hasn't done anything, and then the next day we make up and the saga continues. Even if I say to him, "Listen just tell me the truth and we can get you help. I won't get mad and I won't leave you." - He still won't admit to it. I don't know if it's because he's ashamed of it or afraid or what.

    But I really can't deal with us breaking up for good. I have too many issues. I'm suicidal, Borderline PD, anxiety, etc. I just can't.
     
  12. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I was right this whole time. He was using - he finally told me. Irony is, it doesn't make me feel any better. This whole situation sucks.
     
  13. setekh

    setekh Member

    Someone should probably explain to you that there is no point in pinning your hopes on an addict - it makes about as much sense as strapping yourself to a bomb. Only a small minority, with or without rehab, manage to get clean and stay clean permanently. For most, the best that can be achieved is some strategy for harm reduction when they relapse. If you are going to stay with him, you need to reconcile yourself to that fact. This is not likely to be the last time he relapses, it is merely one of a number of such times. If you can't live with that, get away from him. Those are the choices.
     
  14. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    setekh - Firstly, your bluntness/rudeness is uncalled for. I can see you haven't spent much time using these forums, so I strongly advise, before you reply to anyone else, to read this thread: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?26645-Tips-On-How-To-Reply-To-a-Post

    Secondly, I never said that I wanted him to stay clean permanently. His lying is my biggest issue. I know he's going to relapse in the future and I can deal with that, as long as it's not every single day for over a month like before, and he stops lying about it.

    Anyway, what I AM going to probably do is try going to therapy with him so we can better learn to communicate with each other. I have BPD and I am the kind of person who is extremely self-aware of how they act and what they need from other people. I've always told him to do (or not do) A, B, and C if he wants me to treat him civilly and with respect. He's never told me what I need to do to be respected in regard to his addiction. Therefore, I end up having to guess and do trial and error. And so far, it's been many trials and a lot of errors it seems. He did tell me from the beginning that he hates being accused of doing it when he's not, but there have been situations where I know for a fact that he's doing it, but if I tell him that, I'd be "accusing him", so instead I have to pretend to believe his lies. There has to be a better way because if I pretend to believe him that's just encouraging the lying. I know that I probably do things that I don't even realize that make him afraid, ashamed, or wanting to avoid confrontation, and thus unwilling to tell the truth. So, I figure that maybe if we try therapy together, we can both reach a level of understanding of what to do and what not to do because currently it's getting to the point that I can't trust him going to the bathroom without wondering if he's stashing/using drugs in there.
     
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