I want to kill myself-- not sure why though

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sunshine1994, Jul 23, 2011.

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  1. sunshine1994

    sunshine1994 Member

    For the past month, I have had on and off feelings of wanting to kill myself. The thing is, I could never bring myself to do it. I also feel like I have no reason to feel like this.

    I have major anxiety--sometimes leading to attacks. I am paranoid about everything and I think that everything is going to turn out terrible. I am leaving tomorrow for a summer camp at a university for 2 weeks and I am terrified that I won't have any friends or that I'll be alone because I am shy and that people will just think i am weird and won't want to talk to me. That is an example of what happens to me.

    The reason I have thought about committing suicide is because I feel like nothing has been right in my life. I am not sad, but I feel like some things just bring me over the edge. Sometimes I am really excited about something and I want to share it with my mom.. but when I do, she doesn't care and just shrugs it off. Sometimes I feel so lonely. I have a boyfriend, but he is diagnosed with clinical depression so I am too scared to talk to him because I feel like he'll say I don't understand anything and that my life is perfect. I haven't talked to anyone about how I feel and it drives me crazy. I tried to get my mom to take me to a psychiatrist to talk about my anxiety, but she refused to because she does not believe in psychological disorders.

    The thing is... i don't really know what is wrong with my life. I have a great family. Over the past few months I have lost a lot of friends. They have stopped talking to me or I have realized they were not really my friend. Some friends have tried to purposefully sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend or make him believe things that were not true. I feel like I mess up in our relationship all the time because he is constantly angry at him or i get mad at him for no reason.

    There is just so much going on with different things that I don't know where to start or what to say. I feel like I am going nowhere. I feel like everything would just be so much better if I were no longer alive. Everyday I wake up and I'll be ok, but then a couple hours later something happens and it is hell. I don't know why i feel this way, or if i even have the right to feel like this; but all i know is that I want to die.
  2. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    I used to be like that too. Looking back I came damn close to falling through with it but I didn't for some reason.

    It's better to live man.
  3. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    A woman's emotions often fluctuate during every month. It's nothing to worry about. It's great that you came here and your mother should be more supportive and understanding.

    P.S. I am not going to edit what I just typed. I just realized that I came off as dismissive. I'm think PMS, but I know that doctors I have seen have been extremely insensitive to my pain. I will be better than them and say I might be wrong.
  4. sunshine1994

    sunshine1994 Member

    Thanks for the replies. I am glad I get to post on here and talk. Right now, I feel so alone. My boyfriend and I are fighting and things are not going right. And ontop of that, I am worrying about tomorrow.

    Thank you for letting me know that someone feels similar to me. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend about my suicidal feelings, but I can't bring myself to talk to him about that.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Sunshine welcome to the forums!! What it sounds like to me is you have SI (suicidal ideation) Thats when you think about it but aren't actually in crisis..If you mom won't take you to see a shrink then go to the ER yourself and ask to speak with someone in mental health..That shpould open her eyes that you are crying out to her..It's going to be up to you to take that first or should I say second step.. Your first step was comoing here for support..Keep posting and don't be afraid to show your anger and vent..Thats what we are here for!!!
  6. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    How are you doing today?
  7. sunshine1994

    sunshine1994 Member

    I haven't been on here in a while because I was away from my home... and for once I was very happy. I was at a camp for two weeks and I made new friends and everything was just so different. I actually had thought that it would be gone forever.
    But then I came home last Saturday. I saw my boyfriend... everything was great. And slowly... it started coming back. The stress of having to deal with summer almost being over and having to go back to school, one fight with my boyfriend... I feel like everything is starting to fall apart again. My boyfriend is depressed too. But I am to scared to even tell him how I feel about everything and how I want to kill myself. He doesn't notice my sadness... almost as if he doesn't accept it because he truly is depressed and medicated. But everyday the thought of suicide gets easier and easier. I don't know what to do.
  8. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Do you have a family physician that you see regularly that you can tell all of this to?

    I am not sure if you have any idea about this, but anxiety as bad as your describing can bring on feelings of depression and suicide. I don't think your going to be able to have one problem treated without having the other one addressed.
  9. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    It seems like form what you've said in your posts, that everytime you're with your boyfriend, you get stressed out, and it ends in a fight. Maybe you two should a time off. He's depressed (and i think you are too) so he can take time to work on himself so he can get better. Because I know when someone is depressed, they're kind of wrapped up in their misery, and they can't see the pain of others.

    And like Cutiepie132 said, anxiety can lead to depression, which is what is probably causing your suicide thoughts. You definetly need to see a doctor who can help you figure all of this out.
  10. sunshine1994

    sunshine1994 Member

    I have tried to talk to my mom to take me to a doctor, but she has been so ignorant. She won't take me. I don't know who to turn to.
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Go to the ER and ask for someone in mental health!!!!
  12. sunshine1994

    sunshine1994 Member

    I'm trying to find help
  13. sunshine1994

    sunshine1994 Member

    i lost my temper a little today at my boyfriend and I hit him. And my mom saw and got mad at me and told me that the day he hits me back she's not going to do anything but hit me too. I'm done.
  14. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I think you need to seriously consider taking a break from the relationship - it seems like it's causing - or at least perpetuating - more problems than it's worth.

    Hope you stay strong whatever you decide,
  15. sunshine1994

    sunshine1994 Member

    i just don't know. i love him
  16. sunshine1994

    sunshine1994 Member

    today i went on twitter and was disgusted by some of the tweets people in my school had posted... so i very vaguely said that people needed to tone down their tweets because they are disgusting..

    and i got a tweet back from a boy thats a year younger than me that said that i was fat, ugly mexican and that nobody wanted my input
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