I want to kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by suicidalfish, Jul 3, 2015.

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  1. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Hello, I am 22 years old almost 23. This year I had a girlfriend who was into drugs and I did them with her mainly because I liked her and wanted to keep her and I loved her at the time and I had done harder drugs in the past and wanted to revisit the good times I had with even more good times with her. I was being drug and alcohol tested by my father so I bought synthetic urine to pass his drug tests. It worked for a while but then he randomly went into my apartment and found a pint of premethazine codeine a bottle of baileys and weed and bongs everywhere. He called the university I attend and talked to a drug counselor there. He met up and talked to me and tried to convince me that he will make my life better and my relationship with my father better. I did not want anything to do with him. Then my girlfriend one day decided to go to rehab. I supported her decision but then two weeks in she dumped me saying that she wants to work on herself. She told me how much the AA program and rehab was changing her life and how much happier she was and how she no longer feels alone. I was crushed and began drinking at least a bottle of wine daily and smoked weed daily. I started to think hey if she is getting her life together and making it better maybe I should too. I then contacted the drug counselor again and asked if I could go into the sober living. I was going to wait to tell my father about it. Then a week in her decides to randomly drug test me and I tell him that I wanted to go to sober living and that I had alcohol in my system. He says okay and I get to go. I buy ecstasy the night before I was going to go in so I could have one last drug experience. Then I go in and they ask if I want to get detox. I thought that it would be a good idea to get detox so that it would be easier to get used to not smoking weed. They tell me I will only be there for a week. I take the ecstasy pill on the way to there. I get there and they tell me that it is a rehab not a detox place and that I will be there for 2 weeks. Then they tell me two months. I get pissed and contact the sober living and they tell me they will let me come in after 28 days. I hate the whole experience. I get to the sober living and they tell me if I don't stay then they will have me expelled from the university that I go to and that the sober living is affiliated with. My father also tells me that if I weave I will be a worthless investment and he will no longer support me. He freaks out over the fact that there was ecstasy in my system and the rehab lied and told him I had heroin in my system which was not even true but of course he does not believe me. I hate it here at the sober living and I hate being sober. I want to kill myself. I do not want to be here any longer but I have no choice or I will be homeless. I do not like that I am being controlled after it was my decision to come here. I keep making stupid mistakes thinking that they are the right decision and it ends up screwing me over in the end. I hate my life, I hate myself and my stupid decisions, I hate sobriety, I feel like I might as well kill myself. The other day I left the sober living and was driving to a motel somewhere and was going to stay there until I ran out of the $300 I have and then jump off of a at least 10 story building to kill myself. My father starts screaming at me saying that drugs are controlling my life and that I am an addict. I end up going back to the sober living. I still hate it and I just want out of my pathetic life. I want to kill myself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your father is right y ou want control over your life then stay in rehab and get that control back right now the only thing or one controlling you is the drugs and your need for them Your father obviously cares for you a great deal to go to all trouble to get you support to get well again
  3. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    I don't care though I put myself in treatment I deserve to have the option to leave if I want to he is railroading me in here and that's bullshit. I don't care that much about other drugs I just want weed and maybe some alcohol like a bottle of wine it's the only thing that will make me happy nothing else will I think about suicide 247 while sober and I know it's never going to stop I am happier using I just am that way and always will be and it's nothing bad or wrong I am still a productive human being and my life is better using.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    The problem is that addicts are productive human beings until they are not. The fact that you need drugs and alcohol to be happy - to want to live - that makes you an addict. I don't say that like it makes you a bad person - it doesn't - but it is still true. Addicts are productive human beings until one bottle of wine, one smoke, one cake, one whatever it is that the person is addicted to isn't enough to make things better anymore. They need more. They need it more often. And before you know it, you are constantly drunk, you can't pass a drug test so you can't get a job and nothing else matters apart from the next bottle of wine and the next smoke.

    It is pointless trying to reason with you, I am aware, because you do not want to get sober and you have not acknowledged that it is a problem. There is a reason that acknowledging the problem is always "the first step". With your current mind frame the money your father is spending right now trying to get you treatment is a waste - you will drink and smoke it away the second you leave. And truth is that I feel bad for him - it is hard to love someone, to try to help someone you love, and have to watch them willfully self destruct anyway.

    I am sorry that you want to die - I know that feeling well and nobody should have to feel like that. But alcohol and weed can't help you with that. The only thing that can is the right treatment program and that probably means meds as well as therapy - and a lot of hard work on your part.

    I hope that you stick with the treatment - I hope you reach out for more help instead of going back to drugs and alcohol and falling further into the abyss.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I couldn't say it any better than freya has. Completely agree. I have had my issues with alcohol years ago, it would have spiraled out of control had my family not intervened. I hope you can get out of this rut but the things is, you really want to have to yourself. You need to have it as a no.1 priority and get all the help and support you can get, good luck.
  6. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Well fuck… I don't know. I always maintained good grades in school and always was able to make sure I was productive. I have gone long periods of time of only smoking weed, but I can't say I wouldn't want to do other drugs if they were in front of me, but normally when I would do them I would complain about them not being that good anyway and not do them again for a while. I feel like I could go back and just smoke weed and sometimes drink…

    I just look around at everyone around me in treatment and they're all smiling, all happy, laughing, accepting, feel like their lives have gotten so much better even with little time, and I just don't. I am the only miserable one. Everyone else seems okay and I am just not. I just think it's fucking bullshit that I put myself in this treatment center and now my father after I voluntarily put myself in here threatens to make me homeless if I don't stay, keeps bringing up the fact that I had ecstasy in my system and fake urine in my car when they searched it, keeps saying "what's something positive about that place" and gets pissed off when I don't have anything to say. Doesn't understand that I just want to have my own place and be free. I have even been threatened by the drug counselors here that if I don't stay they will have me expelled from my university and will have me be labeled as a threat to myself and others and will no longer be able to attend (some people here have the power to do that since they work for the school and have done it to other clients here which forces them to stay) so I feel trapped. Like they trap me here make my life worse and then say if I leave then my life will get worse. I think it's bullshit. I want to express how I feel but they just theten me, not even provide me with support, just threaten to have me expelled, threaten to speak with my father, I don't trust anybody here. I feel as if I have to just manipulate myself out of here by pretending that I am happy all the time and that I no longer want to use because if I don't they'll keep me in this hellhole forever. I wish I could just talk normally about how I feel but I feel like I can't without severe consequences.

    I came here because I wanted to get help but instead I just get railroaded in here. I am scared to talk to anyone. Absolutely scared. If I told anyone that I felt suicidal they will put me in a 5150 hold and call the police. So I can't tell anybody, not even my therapist here, and especially not my father for he has threatened multiple times to call the police when I tell him I feel suicidal.

    You say if I go back to drugs and alcohol I will fall further in the abyss. Why are you so confident that my life will become in ruins? What about all the celebs rockstars, rappers, business people etc who drink and do drugs and live very successful happy lives. Why is everyone so confident that drugs will ruin my life? I feel like my life was WAY better using and doing everything I can to use because I was happier and actually more productive because I was not sad all the time. I had FREEDOM. That is all I want is to be free. Not be stuck with roommates and people constantly making threats, making me not allowed to do what I want to do, etc.

    I am open to hear more. Your post definitely did get my attention.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2015
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    drugs are a way to escape and cope with your own inner demons. That's how I see it.

    You're deluded about famous people partying hard and getting away with it, look up many of hard users, they are either dead, in/out of rehab, broke or dead.

    Not many can do it that long without deadly consquences

    It's the drugs that win, not the human every time.
  8. shippergirlky

    shippergirlky New Member

    Give the whole rehab thing at least a year. If your life still sucks the big one, then you can have your misery refunded back to you.

    I was in-patient when a counselor said that to me. Not for drugs but for mental health. I was extremely depressed. The ward had both types of people there.

    It is a terrible thing to not feel you have the freedom to even breathe or make your own choices. The best advice I was given was to make a specific step-by-step plan to have small successes that could be built upon to become bigger successes.

    If you don't feel comfortable there, start by making a plan of action for counselling for when you leave. That is usually a requirement. It also demonstrates that you are thinking ahead about dealing with your problems. Get a phone book, access to the internet or whatever else to start making plans for a life after this period. Heck, go to one of them (even though you do not entirely trust them) and ask for help in making a plan to get help after your in-patient time. It makes it harder for them to keep you there. Seriously, pick out something that will make you feel better about things. You did not get to this point in one day nor will it get better in a day.

    Make a specific plan of action for when you want to drink or use. Instead of drink/drugs I will do _______ . Show it to the staff. Every time you do something like this, it shows initiative. And it gives you control of your life back to you.

    But this is really up to you.
  9. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Really all? What about those rappers Juicy j? Or people like Charlie sheen? Hunter s Thompson lasted long but killed himself...?
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    juicy j lasted because he has self-control and does it smart. He is not an addict to be frank with you.

    Charlie sheen, are you off your rocker? He's a bad example and a poster child what drugs do to your brAin. He's blacklisted in Hollywood in some places. He bites the hand that feeds him, he's classifed as a rabid dog in some circles.

    For Thompson, duh ended up dead early didn't he?
  11. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Yeah cuz he ended it though.

    44 days sober and still want to kill myself.
  12. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    62 days and still want to kill myself. If I get to almost 90 and I still feel this way I'm either going to go back to drinking and doing drugs or I actually am going to kill myself.

    I am on my 9th step for those who know about AA. It fucking sucks. Doing the steps fucking sucks. It's not fun at all. I hate this shit. Life seems to fucking hard. Too stressful. I can't stand it. I want to kill myself.

    I've tried helping people who don't have much time in sobriety and it doesn't make me feel any better. I've made amends to people I have harmed and it makes me feel worse. I don't know what to do. I just don't trust AA or sobriety, I don't think it's for me.
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