I want to leave this plane of existence..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Punkguru, Jul 13, 2011.

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  1. Punkguru

    Punkguru Member

    As long as I can remember I have been depressed. My life has been a waste to me. I feel as if I have been brought on this earth for nothing. My relationships with people have been strained and awkward and I have constantly come into conflict with them even when I try my damnedest just to be left alone. But no matter what i do, someone has something to say.

    My relationships with women were great in the sexual department, but when it came to companionship and communication, it sunk like a lead balloon and the cycle would just repeat again and again. All my relationships have ended in cheating and distrust. I am starting to resent women just as much as I resent men. I was recently cheated on and caught my ex with my friend who I no longer associate with. The pathetic thing is she claims she didn't do anything wrong. Well when you admit that he slept in your bed umm..you cheated..
    Since then my blood boils and eyes turn to fire every time I see them together. I feel like the only thing that could satisfy my resentment is if I beat the living shit out of my ex-friend and make him pay..of course I am better than that and know that that is not the answer to this problems. My friends were offering to join in and jump him for me and encouraged me to beat his ass, and believe me as tempting as it was, I declined the offer...I still regret having to turn it down..
    I have been with someone since, but its not going anywhere. The two of us barely hang out due to various reasons; gas, money, time, and my own depression. What bugs me the most is she talks to my ex from time to time and that just sets my paranoia sky high: I cannot trust her. It bothers me she talks to my backstabbing friends from college and enemies..I don't know who to trust anymore.
    To make matters worse, I have been jobless for two months now and I am still not finding luck..fucking economy..and I feel like a loser having to move back to my parents house and have to rely on them for everything; which is just adding fuel to the fire when it comes to my relationship with my parents. For the past couple of weeks I have been arguing with the both of them. My Dad says I need growing up to do, and I need to start taking responsibility and advantage of him when it comes to money. All those things don't apply to me and its starting to get under my skin because its been said so many fucking times. My Mom says it the most; especially the whole "stop making it about you" when I don't. The other day I just tried to talk to her about how I feel lately and how depressed I am, and how I feel like my Dad doesn't like me. Instead of being sincere and considerate of my feelings she tells me to shut up and knock it off; like I am a fucking retard who doesn't deserve respect. The sad thing is that is how I feel as I am writing this, I don't get no respect from anyone.

    This argument happened the other night. I was having some difficulty with friends and my GF also at the same time, and I also had to go the DMV to get my licensed renewed (we all know how the DMV can be, right?). Let me tell you, it was a horrible day..

    I was so fed up with my life, I went into the garage and found a extension cord on a shelf and was so close to making the first move..but I couldn't..

    and not because I thought about the consequences or any of that shit..but because the one and only beam in the garage would not support my weight and I would have fell instantly..

    This isn't the first time I thought or attempted suicide. I almost jumped out of my Dad's tractor trailer while we were driving on the highway. This was when he was telling me I am worthless and will never amount to anything and such..

    I think about it every day..sometimes I think how people will feel if I passed away and moved on..maybe they would give and shit..maybe not. I think about what it would be like on the otherside. Maybe I can finally just be left the fuck alone for once. I am so different from the people around me. I am an eccentric, funny guy who wants peace among people and strong friendship..but I can't even get a hello or a day of peace from anyone. all I want is to have everyone around me (including myself) to just get along..but it never happens...

    As of right now..I am still jobless, fighting with my Mom, and my GF and I haven't talked in a couple of days and found out she is still in contact with my ex..so I broke it off..I broke it off because I don't want her to deal with a bum like me anymore and I don't think she gives a fuck about me either..

    Whoever is concerned enough to read this, I feel bad that you even have to read this depressing shit..but I need to vent..I can't even vent to my damn parents..I don't know what the hell to do anymore..

    I cannot take this depression shit..I want to leave this plane of existence. I tried talking to my parents about seeing a therapist or even going back on meds and I hate taking medication..but they refuse to..so I am not getting help either way..and I want help..but its not happening..so what else can I do?...
  2. FamilyGuyFan1986

    FamilyGuyFan1986 Active Member

    and the older you get, and the better things start becoming, you can look back with a glass of red wine and say, "Wow, I made it. It was tough, but, I got through it."
  3. m489332

    m489332 Member

    Depression is temporary. We each have only one life to lead, and you were brought here to make of your life as you desire. Except for a few individuals (like Mozart or Einstein), the rest of us have to puzzle out by trial and error what we want to do with our lives. It is up to you to answer. Offing yourself is answering the question in the negative. I think you can answer it better than that. Your life is the answer to that question.

    I have a pet theory which is that depression is sometimes constructive -- you feel it when you are 'going down the wrong road' in life -- like you missed a turn. If you are say driving and you miss a turn, you kind of get a feeling either from the neighborhood or signs that you are in the wrong place. But what about life? What if you are either doing the wrong career, or should have taken something else in college, or dedicated your life to just consumer culture (work -spend-work-spend...) when you should really be helping others? I sometimes think that depression is life's way of saying: "hey, you are barking up the wrong tree".

    I know depression, it clouds your perception of everything: your past memories, your relationships, your hopes. Makes you feel lethargic, and like nothing is helping or will help.

    When I am feeling better everything looks brighter.

    You said it was related to communication, probably also mutual understanding. You didn't elaborate here much.

    Why do you think they fall apart? If you knew what to change in your behaviour in your relationships to stop them from destructing, would you?

    You will find a job, don't give up trying.

    Your parents don't sound too understanding. Your dad is wrong that you will amount to nothing. You can amount to whatever you put your mind to. Whatever you do, don't start believing him.

    Parents usually like their kids, but they are only human. My wife's family is a little like that, she could never talk about how she felt with them. They didn't have feelings (or at least they would never talk about them), so I guess no one in the family could ever be depressed. They spent a lot of time in denial. Her best decision was to get some distance (move away) from them, but you will have to find a job first.

    I am afraid this is the only plane of existence, there is likely no other. It would be best to try to make a better go of it. I think you owe it to yourself to make more of your life, learn to fix whatever is breaking in your relationships with women, and figure out why you feel like you have been brought to this earth for nothing. Your family isn't helping, but they cannot answer the question for you, it is for you to answer. Meds and a therapist will help you temporarily, and some people who have true chemical imbalances need meds constantly.

    I think you do need to see a therapist or meds, but you may have to take the situation in your own hands to get the help you need. You do realize you need it, but you want validation from your parents -- they aren't helping.
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